Wow, actual insight: not bad, just different
Therapy was really helpful today. It was so good to get to talk to my therapist after being on vacation for so long. Mae must have talked to her first although I'm not sure what about. It could have been anything.... there were pictures laying out and pictures of toys she wishes she had that my niece has. But then I got to talk to my therapist too, and she asked what MY take on our vacation was.
This time, I think I actually did good. As long as I was never in the same room as my asshole dickhead brother in law, things were fine. It was all I could do to not trip him or give him the finger every time I saw him (gee, angry much?) Creep.. Anyway... I stuck to my meal plan the whole time. We stuck to our goal sheets mostly every day (we have this notebook full of therapy goals and worksheets to fill out every day). Everyone worked together inside and there wasn't any arguing or fighting inside. I handled being around my parents. Today in therapy I actually had a sense of humor telling her about how bizarre my sister and I think our family can be.
One of the things that we talked about is how different I've always been from our huge family. We've got this big family with lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandkids. They all like to get together all the time. With tons of food, loud talking, lots of people. They all talked on a video tape about how they love how the family is so "close" and "there for each other when we need each other." I've NEVER thought that about the family. I've never felt that closeness. I've never felt like anyone was there for me. In the times when I had trouble in my life, my parents and aunts and uncles ridiculed me and made fun of me, never let up teasing me. I hated the family get togethers even when I was little. I remember being as young as 2 at family lunches or picnics and feeling trapped. I just wanted to get away from all the noise and go home. I just was so sensitive-- I picked up on everything. I felt strangled by everyone's words, all the talking, all the feelings, all the vibes, all the body language. I was just too sensitive of a child. I couldn't take all the people together. I needed to be with just 1 or 2 people. But there was my family, 30 or more people crammed in 1 house or 1 park, all talking and interacting-- it was just too much for me, and I retreated.
Then as soon as I could, I moved to the other side of the country.
I always thought of all of this as "what is WRONG with me?" As in... I'm SO different from everyone in my family. What's wrong with me? Why don't I fit in? How come they are all the same, and I'm so different? I must be really bad.
But then while talking with my therapist today, she helped me see that it isn't that there's something WRONG with me. Its just that I have a different way of being than they do. Like I have a different style of interacting with people. I'm not BAD, just different. So THEY all like gathering in herds around food every week and everyone all talking at once and having lots of things going on. I happen to like just 1 or 2 people sitting together on a couch and just having a nice quiet conversation. Its just different.
That really made me feel better.
Now all I have to do is go out and find me a family that's like that.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I'm glad the trip AND your T appt. went well. I know there was a lot of scary stuff and you worked hard, but it sounds like you really accomplished a lot AND enjoyed your sister, etc. Thanks for the update! Blessings to you!
I prefer the quiet evenings to parties and loud music with a lot of movement. I pick up on the feelings of others, their body lang, and I seem to respond to every bit of stimulus around me. It's awful. I prefer the quiet. And...I'm very different from my family too. 1) I'm not an abuser. 2) I'm not into crowds and large gatherings and 3) I don't sugar coat the fact that we are a disaster that breeds children who have to recover because the adult disasters refused to get help for their problems. I do not sugar coat. I do not sweep abuse under the rug. 4) Denial. It's a protection as well as harmful. I'm able to move between them both whereas my family is just stuck in denial.
smiles to you,
Austin
Good for you, Pilgrim, you're making some valuable progress in the way in which you see yourself in relation to your fam of origin. I'm the same way as far as prefering to talk with 1 or 2 people at a time, versus a huge group. Too overwhelming!