I want to join the witness protection program

Just FYI, i am going to join the witness protection program.

its jo.
Tuesday was a hard session-- not bad, but hard. My therapist said I worked hard.But afterwards in the parking lot Missy took over and was really mean-- she was really pissed off at something I accidently mentioned in session-- and she started screaming "YOURE MINE NOW! I'VE GOT YOU!" and she cut my hand (WHY does she always have to go for the hands where everyone can see?)
Well anyway i emailed our T about what happened (she is less than thrilled ).
Then tonight I went to see our dietician.
We have lost more weight. Several pounds, or maybe she said quite a bit, since last month, "and you are even wearing heavier pants than last time" . And I lost weight last time too...and the time before that...um...and a little the time before that.
Well I am not having a good week, so to me, this is the best news I've had all week. She knows it is of course. But she wants me to eat more . She wants me to GAIN WEIGHT!
I do not want to eat more. I am fat. I am gross. I am being punished and Missy won't let me eat more. I'm afraid to eat more. I am fat and gross and I'm tired of being ugly.
My Nut tries to explain to me (100th time ) that I am already skinny and really pretty... But I couldn't explain to her, that I don't LOOK like this, she is looking at PILGRIM, not at ME... but its hopeless to try to explain to anyone, they don't get it, you know?
She, of course, says she's going to have to tell my T that I have lost more weight.
I can already feel my ears burning. I just want to run away. My T already e mailed me things she wants to talk about next session (having to do with Tuesday night's aftermath, and she even wants to talk to Missy, shit!)
I am so done for.
I am scared half to death.
They are really good friends. They are probably on the phone right now.

I KNOW that Carolineine wants recovery, so does Pilgrim. but i just want to be skinny. i am so afraid to have anything in my mouth. i dont want to eat-- i'm scared to. I'm not like them.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


it is my understanding that the definition of an eating disorder is not what you do or don't put in your mouth but your view of your own body image.

i have a very good friend that is a recovering anorexic. her recovery ultimately meant that she could look in a mirror and see what other people saw. not just the physical being, which is becoming more healthy looking everyday, but the internal person that was smart, funny and kind.

Jo, isn't it just possible that general recovery for the whole group will help you with you see your own true body image?

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