Being the caretaker
This is Carolineine. Today I went to see our therapist-- we got to have an extra session this week, because we have a couple of days off for Easter vacation, and I'm so grateful. I meant to go in and talk , for once, about myself and the things going on with me, but as usual, over half the session ended up being about everyone inside and how we can help the girls and the kids....
I finally just stopped myself and said, "I'm going to stop talking about them now." So we switched gears, and I took the last 20 minutes to talk about the stress I'm under and trying to live up to the expectations everyone has of me.
Anyway, it helped a little. Later on I went to a massage. Its one of the best ways to get me to relax.
No one else decided to take over, as tired as I was. I started to fall asleep a few times-- I would start to feel vulnerable though and I don’t care for that, so I would make sure I was awake again. Not feeling so safe today I think, a little exposed from our session this afternoon. Before the massage lady came in, I gave the kids a HUGE lecture, because I just really, really wanted them to behave for 90 minutes. I had to slip into teacher mode and refer to myself in 3rd person: We are NOT going to bother Carolineine tonight.. WE are going to let Carolineine have some peace and quiet. .We HAVE to chill out because all this stress is making ALL OF US SICK -- and its not fun to be sick IS IT? Do you LIKE being stuck laying on the couch? We are NOT going to argue, we are not going to fight, we are not going to interrupt with 20 questions a minute. I don’t want to hear you call my name every 34 seconds. I want to close my eyes and not have someone else open them a minute later. We are not going to be all wiggly (the kids always are). We are not going to suddenly get “itchy” (Pilgrim's clothes always bother her-tags and seams, so she’s always itchy). We are not going to all of a sudden start playing Godzilla Boy or have a discussion about ‘ would Godzilla or Megazilla do a better job at delivering eggs than the Easter Bunny?’ We’re going to let Carolineine BREATHE. DO.YOU.UNDERSTAND.? Etcetera.
So things were ok… only a few problems and although I heard quite a few voices there were also a lot of “Shh!!! Don’t BOTHER her!” ha ha. At least there was an attempt.
Me, I still couldn’t shut my mind off. I was trying to picture myself in calm, peaceful places (Bahamas, by a waterfall, in a field of flowers), and then after a few seconds I’d go back to thinking about work or about the girls or trying to figure out what to do, or thinking about what you and I talked about today. My brain just doesn’t slow down. I thought about some things that happened to the girls when they were younger, and I thought about how sometimes I just really can’t stand myself, how I hate the way I talk.
Anyway- that kind of thinking doesn’t get me very far.
I feel like I have all these rules I have to follow:
1. Everyting in my life MUST revolve around everyone inside.
2. I must appear happy all the time.
3. I must always be helpful.
4. I must always be a good role model.
5. I am not allowed to do anything for myself.
6. Nothing can be about me…. I can’t talk about just myself, I can’t ask people to ask questions about me, I can’t talk about things that I want, can’t have the things I want.
7. My job is to WORK. I feel guilty if I try to do anything non-work… because there is always something else that needs to be getting done. SO much: bills, chores, work,kids,laundry,errands,everything.
Its not that I’m complaining… I’m just wondering, how long am I going to last like this? But I HAVE TO. I mean, don’t I? Who else is going to do it? What if I didn’t?
It seems that everyone is trying to be themselves-- which is good, I want them to. Its really important. I wish they didn’t have to hide the 99% of the time that they do. In a perfect world, all the inside kids and the girls would all get to be themselves all the time, and be accepted for who they are (1st we’d have to get a 300 hour long day.) What if I tried to be myself? Who am I anyway? Is that ALL I’m ever going to do is take care of everyone? Tonight I had a little container of frozen yogurt… not because I really wanted it, but because the kids wanted it, and I was trying to show them that its OK to eat something at night, I’m trying to show them “you won’t get fat if you eat a cup of yogurt at night.” (Even though I’m sitting here thinking to myself, maybe I shouldn’t be eating this, I don’t even really want it in the 1st place, what if I AM fat like the girls think THEY are?)
Maybe someday… once everyone else inside is a little more calmed down… maybe I could actually come talk to you about myself and not the kids. I wish I had someone to talk to. I need so much advice. I need some direction to go to think about all these things. Everyone wants me to fix things, but honestly, I’m just pulling things out of a hat so much of the time… that’s one of the reasons I’m so afraid of everyting crashing down. All I know is what I read about. The bad things that the girls had happen to them didn’t happen to me, but I didn’t exactly learn anything from our parents either. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. I’m not a therapist, and honestly I’m probably just as naïve as the rest of the girls. I know the kids think that “TEACHERS” are the top of the heap as far as people go, but just because I am one doesn’t mean I know everything…. They put me up on a pedestal where I don’t deserve to be at all. I took this role because SOMEBODY HAD TO or we wouldn’t have survived. . That was all.
Carolineine.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hi Caroline
I really identify with what you say here...I share many of these feelings. Like with the evening yoghurt, not sure if you're doing that for yourself. Quietening the children for things I need for me, like adult touch.
I don't know how long I've been doing this mothering job but it's a full-time one. And no-one sees this: the 'real' mothers I work with think that I have more time outside of work than them because no 'real' kids. I have SO MUCH to deal with and SO MANY inside kids. It gets me down. Thanks for being so honest.
Yah, its pretty much never ending... I try to just deal with it. I know that most mothers can at least get their kids off to school for a little while or put the kids down for a nap, or climb into their own bed.
I don't seem to be able to do that.
Even in the middle of the night, I wake up for a moment, and I can hear Mae and Tuck talking, and they'll ask me questions, "Caroline, what does ___ mean? How do you spell ____ ? Why do we have ____?" I can't go to the bathroom on my own (like most mothers!) I just want them all to be quiet for FIVE MINUTES. But they are inside my head. They are not going to go away. In 18 years, they'll still probably be here, not off at college.
They are with me all day at work. They are there when my husband and I are together in the bedroom. I can't get a babysitter for them.
Its ok though... I mean, this is my job. This is what I was made for... I was made to work. This is my role. I understand that.
I can recognize some of these things that you feel too. It's so hard. But, like you said, I can put my kids to bed. They SLEEP. :-) But, it is still hard being the sole caretaker. Feeling that taking any time for yourself is a crime.
You're great at what you do. But you're still growing too, and I think that as time goes on, you'll learn how to get some quiet time from those kids. Maybe some of the older ones can help by shhhhh'ing the littler ones. I think it will get better. Don't give up.
Caroline et al,
I linked here from AMJ- may I "friend" you or whatever? I've liked reading AMJ and would like to continue reading your blog as well. Is that ok?
Rainbowthespian (on AMJ, too)
Caroline, what you are describing is motherhood. you are the mother, different because you don't have little ones under foot but i'm guessing what you deal with each day is more difficult because most mothers can put their children down for a nap or to bed for the night and there is quiet, peacefulness, if only for a few hours.
motherhood is sacrafice. from the time they are born to the time they are old enough to go out on their own .. and then even beyond that ... mothers do for their children without a thought for themselves.
i know that i see such a small view of what goes on each day but personally, just seeing that little bit, you are a very patient, very loving mother of these children who are sad, lonely, hurt, and even damaged.
even the best mother in the world would have tough days.
keep at it. i hope and believe that things will get progressively better for each person inside.