Its been a long 3 1/2 weeks since Therapist left us; still brokenhearted
The past few weeks have been really bad. I've lost more weight, still not sleeping or eating much.Every minute in the back of my head, we still think about our old therapist and how she left us. We still have bad dreams about it. We have been reading books on grief, on getting over abandonment; nothing has helped. We have bad stomachaches all the time. We're on more medications for anxiety that don't seem to be working. Our weight is way too low. In a few weeks we're going to a week-long eating disorder workshop, which is a 14-hour a day group therapy treatment place, to try to get started back on recovery. We've been getting sick over and over again.
The "new T"-- we still can't stand her. Don't know if we will stay with her. She isn't Sharon, she isn't someone we have a connection with, and things just aren't clicking. Don't know. But she's supposed to be this "expert" on DID. So far we're unimpressed. On Tuesday we have an appointment with an art therapist, too, and going to give art therapy a try as well... maybe that will help.
About 10 days ago on the way to stupid new T's office, it was at the same time we usually would be sitting in our old T's office for an appointment. We felt so horrible inside. It felt like our heart was being torn apart and inside kids were crying so hard. I was trying so hard to stay composed so I could drive.
On a whim I dialed old T's office just so we could hear her voice on her voice mail.
BUT SHE ACTUALLY PICKED UP THE PHONE.
I said, "omg I'm sorry... we just wanted to hear your voice on your voice mail..."
Of course she knew who it was. I'm sure we sound like we're 12.
She sort of sounded happy to hear my voice...at least, friendly, if nothing else... she said, "Just a minute... I'm on with another call, hold on and I'll be right back."
I was so SHOCKED that she didn't say "You know we cannot talk anymore" and just hang up the phone, you know?
So I waited on hold for 2 1/2 minutes... I was so afraid she wouldn't come back.. but she did.
I told her again, "I'm sorry, we just needed to hear your voice on your answering machine, right now is when we're usually in your office, and this is so hard we can hardly take it."
She said she knew it would be really hard for us and she had talked to our nutritionist (they're friends) and she was proud that we are seeing new T and asked how things were going with that, we said we hate new stupid T and that new stupid T hasn't said or done anything yet that SHE didn't already say and do. She laughed. We told her our weight has dropped more and we're having a hard time eating and sleeping and we are looking into art therapy also, we don't know what to do, but we said we'd give new stupid T a 30 day trial so we're committed to that. Sharon said she was proud of us for committing to 30 days, she knew this was hard, she couldn't think of any better way of ending things than how she did. I told her how each of us inside thinks everything is our fault, even Missy. How we know she always wanted us to all work together inside, well, now we are all working together because we're all against the world and don't trust anyone now especially grown ups and we're just missing her so much, but we're trying. We told her how stupid new T wants to wait til the 30 day trial thing is up to invite her in for a transition session and will she still come even though its that far away, and Sharon said of course she will still come because she said she would.
We didn't want to take up any more of her time. We just told her there is so much we have to say to her, we have been writing her a letter to read at the transition session, and we miss so much even just telling her little things, the kids all miss her too. She said she appreciated getting the thank you note we sent her (through our Nutritionist) last week.
We asked... the questions we always asked her when we were so scared... do you still like us? Do you still care? Did you give up on us? Do you still believe in us? She said she still does like us, and she still cares a lot and wants the best for us, and she didn't give up on us, she still believes in us.
We didn't want to take up all her time so we told her how much we miss her and love her and said goodbye...it was so hard to say goodbye.
But it helped a lot to get to talk to her... because we were so afraid she'd hang up the phone-- she could have easily done that, or been mean, or said "I told you no more contact"... She could have said a lot of mean things.
And at least we got to say a few things.
We still cry all the time. When we have the energy to. Our hearts feel broken.
We just want things to be better. We just want her back.
That's enough writing for today.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
It sounds like you were really brave to say all you did to your therapist i.e. allowing yourself to be vulnerable and show her your feelings - anger, sadness, fear, guilt - even though it was so risky because she could have cut you off. I'm glad her response was okay.
Good luck with the new T, art therapy and the reading. I guess it's almost like getting over a broken love affair.
To Anonymous
Getting better is subjective, not for anyone outside to measure. I don't think it really matters what the diagnosis is - borderline, DID or whatever - it's feeling needed and cared for that counts. So the bravery was in expressing feelings to someone who had seemingly withdrawn their care.
It takes every one their own time to reach that turning point when they decide no longer to be miserable.
i'm so proud of all of you for having the bravery to stay on the phone to talk to Sharon. those 2-1/2 minutes must have seen like a life time.
i hope that you are really listening to what she is trying to say to you all. she didn't end your therapy relationship because you had failed or disappointed her. she did it because she wanted what was best for you. she realized her own limitations and knew that for you to move on and to continue to get better you needed someone that knew more than what she knew.
every day that you get through. every day that all the kids stay present and don't retreat is a success. every day that jo is here and taking care of the crew is a success.
all you can do is to get through each day, one hour, one day at a time.
keep going .. it will get better, whether you stay with your new T or not.
to "anonymous"!
i bet your email was fake. if you aren't brave enough to put a name or handle on your own posts then you hardly have a right to criticize someone else's bravery.
unless you KNOW for a fact that pilgrim's diagnosis is not real, unless you are their therapist and have spent hours and hours with them and truly KNOW then you have no right to challenge the diagnosis.
unless you know them personally then you have no right to put anyone down just to make yourself feel bigger. so unless you have something nice to say then keep it to yourself. no one hear wants to hear it.
Annonymous is no different "jax". You're annonymous too. I don't put my name on the internet because it isn't safe. Is Pilgrim this author's real name? Highly unlikely. That makes her annonymous. It's wise to remain annonymous online. This is a public journal open to scrutiny. I found it a week ago and read it. I'm not obligated to share personal information because I don't post personal information. I do not believe in DID after years of studying about it and believing I had it. No I am not a therapist. And after reading this journal my opinion stands. This person wants attention and I believe she is really miserable but it is self inflicted.
anonymous ..
if you had actually read this entire journal then you would have known that i have stated my real name and where i live more than a few times. so don't put this on me.
regardless of your own experiences with obtaining a diagnosis for what ails you doesn't give you a right to blast pilgrim and their efforts to find peace and help.
your post was harsh and in the wrong circumstances posts like that can cause damage to people who are feeling fragile and vulnerable.
kicking someone when they are down is never the right thing to do. especially if you aren't there to help pick up the pieces.
Dear Pilgrim,
I'm sorry that some people feel the need to make comments that they know will be hurtful when you are already having such a difficult time. I have been following your blog for a couple of years and want you to know that there are individuals, like myself, who do not routinely make comments, but still gain a great deal of support and encouragement from reading about your daily experiences with DID. Thank you for sharing the details of your journey with us and I hope that things get better for you very soon.
Meg
Everybody,
Its okay. "Anonymous's" comments are nothing but amusing and don't mean a thing to me. They can say anything they want, and they don't sting or hurt at all. If they choose not to believe in DID, or that I'm doing this for attention, that is their right to do so.
Thank you all for your support, as this has been one of the hardest times of our life, and its a real fight. In the next post (later today or else tomorrow) we will write about some things that we're working on to get through it.jo
I know the emphasis on "we" and "our" is something I did too. I did to further convince myself I was split because of the abuse I went through as a child and come to find out it was only my own imagination and I was one person all along. When I found the right therapist who showed that to me and stopped being hurt over therapists dumping me because I never got better for therapy of something that is nonexistent. Find a therapist who believes DID is fake and you'll recover from your childhood abuse.
glad you were able to talk to your old T. take of yourselfs ...
Seems like Anonymous needs to really get a life... sorry to say but who are you to judge anyone??? If you truely had a horrible upbringing the way pilgrim did you would realize it is not for you to judge anyone... Do you want the world judging you?!? You choose to read this blog which is your choice. They choose to share with others and that is their choice. Seems to me you have much more healing than you realize to do yourself... True peace comes with understanding and love of others around you. Might want to look more at yourself in the mirror then others...
Maia
I don't know if dissociation is real or not, but I believe if anyone here is looking for attention it's anonymous. And they're so desperate for attention they'll accept even bad attention. They'll hunger for being hated rather than being ignored. That's the diagnosis for most trolls.
There's one other thing I'm sure of. Everybody hungers for attention. And everybody strives for it. But dissociation isn't about attention; it's about hiding. If you needed attention dissociation is the very last affliction you'd claim.
And finally, there's one thing I'm not sure of but I believe. I believe that no matter what her motives, or her personal needs, Pilgrim's therapist behaved really poorly. I hope Pilgrim can some day come to forgive her.
I am so impressed with your response to those comments (the negative ones). I am going to copy you exactly if that happens to my, if you don't mind--it's an inspiring example you're setting. Thank you.
eeabee,
Oh, thanks! You know, We have had SOOO many spammers and negative comments on this blog in the past few years. Some people have said some downright MEAN and nasty things.The 1st year it bothered me. Then Caroline started to reply to them instead, and she taught me to not be bothered. I decided that I can choose who I listen to and who I don't. And then I also realized, what people say is more about them and it is about us. They might be angry, bitter, disillusioned, or having a bad day. Well, THEIR problem is not MY problem(unless I let it be.)
So now when someone replies with nastiness, I don't give it a thought, it doesn't bother me, doesn't hurt, and I just give them their space to vent. They can believe what they want. Its not my job to change them, only to stick to my own beliefs and morals.
Just my 2 cents.
Jo
I have read been reading your experiences with losing your therapist and I really have been feeling for you. I haven't lost mine completely so I don't know how that is, but I've feel like I've partially lost her (she has less time and some trust has been lost) and even that has been hard to deal with. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, but I think it's just that because I've had attachment problems and so I'm afraid everyone will be harsh or indifferent, and at the same time I SO need them not to be. But it's helped me to read your experience--to realize that this is a very real kind of pain that isn't at all easy to deal with.
I'm glad you're trying so hard to get through it
, even though it hurts so much.