Saying Goodbye to Anorexia
I'm ready to say goodbye to my eating disorder I've had for over 20 years. This is the 1st time I've ever felt this way. The week at Shades of Hope made such a difference inside of us. And before we left--especially the middle and end of January-- things were just SO bad. That was the bottom of everything. I never want to get that bad again. I never want my weight to get that low again. I never want to feel that horrible again. There were no lower sizes to wear at the stores. There was nothing less to eat than nothing. Then we went to Shades determined to work as hard as we could and do everything we could to get better. We ate everything every day. And we didn't gain a pound. We found out we could eat and not gain weight. Last night I went to see my nutritionist and got started on a meal plan. I told her that I'm willing to eat and work the meal plan and everything.
She doesn't have to fight with us anymore.
We're not fighting inside anymore either.
At Shades we did this psychodrama where someone was whispering all these eating disorder thoughts and words into my ear. I kept telling it to go away, but they kept coming back even after I pushed it away. So I just got up after a second and walked across the room and left it behind. The therapists said out of everyone there, they'd never seen anyone just get up and walk away from their eating disorder like that. I felt strong.
I know I can do it in real life too.
I've been eating good this week and I'm proud of that.
It feels like each pound gained back will be an accomplishment. It's still going to be hard though. I know that eating disorder will still give me a hard time and try to make me really scared and worried and panicky. I think I might have times of relapses and times where I want to give in. But I don't have to give in for good.
But this is what I know now: that wasn't a life I had. That was death. And I don't want death. I don't want to be told I look like a walking skeleton anymore.
I want to look and feel healthy.
So I'm saying goodbye to that anorexia that was eating away my body and my brain and my life. I am going to be healthy instead. I don't need the eating disorder to speak for me anymore. I can use my voice, and not my body, to talk and tell people what I want and need.
Finally.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
dearest jo,
the last few posts are so full of hope and promise and if you could see me you would see such happiness in my eyes.
at one point in my life i found the bottom. it certainly wasn't an experience that i would ever want to relive but there i was, travelling in a car, looking out at a funeral procession line of cars in front of me and i knew i had finally found bottom. and that day i knew, finally, which way was up.
i think often times when we are free-falling we lose our bearings and can't figure out which way is up, or down for that matter.
i'm so glad that shades of hope has become a pillar of strength for you. a place that you can reference again and again as you traverse these next few exciting months and beyond.
i know that me being proud of you isn't much in the bigger picture of things but i am. i've been reading your journal for a long time. i have seen and felt your struggles and tried to offer support and perspective when i could. but more importantly i have witnessed your resiliency and goodness and the resiliency and goodness of all of those inside.
i'm not going to wish you luck because i know, like you know now, that when there is only one way to go and that way is up you don't need luck .. you just need momentum.
and now you have it.
smiles and hugs,
jax
I'm so glad to read this, I'm having a cry, and next I'll be praying thanks to any god near enough to hear me.
*wordless joy*
thank you for sharing this wonderful turning point in your life with us - we're honoured!
Anna & others
I walked away from mine too. It wasn't that bad once I got used to it. PIW was good for me in the way Shades of Hope was good for you. I think the things you came up with that are positive are good steps, but don't get overwhelmed on the positive side. Once Stephanie (old T) was booted, we had this major turnaround of positiveness and crashed after 3 weeks. It came back, don't get me wrong, but take things one day at a time. Good luck.