Trying so hard to move on and let go
I'm trying so hard to move on and let go. But I feel so defective. My thoughts obsess over what happened with Sharon and the lousy way things ended. The guilt and shame over the way things ended, the letters she wrote, how she changed her mind about giving the inside kids time to say goodbye, everything--all my fault--- the guilt feels like its eating me alive. I get stomach aches a great deal of the time now. I get headaches. These thoughts ruminate through my mind. I keep trying to re-focus on other things, but after a moment it goes back to Sharon, to regrets, to all my mistakes.
I'm not eating very much these days. I feel like I don't deserve it. Sharon gave up on me. She didn't think I deserved a 2nd chance. Sharon knew me more than anyone else did. If she didn't think I did-- then why should I? If she gave up on me then what chance to I have?
It would make such a difference if I could just hear from her. If I could just talk to her. And I know I never will and it breaks my heart.
I keep crying and random times, just out of the blue. Doing dishes. Doing laundry. Watching TV.
Reading the Bible.
I have to throw out my favorite blue butterfly socks, I think. I used to wear them to therapy all the time. It makes me sad every time i see them.
I'm trying to find another therapist. But I don't know how anyone will ever be as good. There won't be anyone like Sharon was. She was the best.
She meant so much to us. Mae's heart is so broken that she just doesn't even speak anymore.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
It's hard to learn that your life can't revolve around one person. This is a learning experience. Don't throw the rest of your life away. It's too precious. Don't throw away all that you've learned. Sharon was a person, that's it. She failed. She left you because she felt like a failure. And I think she was right.
I think Jax's advice in reply to your previous post is spot on.
Do you ever think this blog drags you down because it's where you put all your anxiety and sadness?
There are people here who will keep reading and cheering you on if you decide to take a second leap of faith(after deciding to eat) to put down all the positive stuff you can think of.
You ARE a woman of great resilience to have survived this far so maybe you can affirm this in little ways each day. Some ways:
(1) Giving thanks for something good that you do for yourself
(2) Affirming something positive about your day, even if it's one moment out of the whole 24 hours because this is what keeps us alive
(3) Telling your kids something hopeful for tomorrow
I believe that the ability to do these things makes a true survivor and breaks cycles of abuse.
After learning so much and coming so far, its such a waste to give up now. You owe it to your self to keep trying. You may feel as though you don't have the strength to keep trying but you do all you have to do is look and you'll find it.
Did you ever think God wanted Sharon away from you because you put her and her advice above His? You're dependent on a woman for your very life. Depend on Christ.