Dreams

Last night was a bad night. We had more bad dreams about Sharon. Over and over her rejecting us and the things she said that night. Over and over again how we screwed up and ruined everything. How we'll never be good enough for people. Then one about being killed in a car accident because we drove wrong and turned off the road. There were so many dreams we used to have too about our future. That we have been giving up. Like getting over this eating disorder. I don't dream about recovering from it anymore because I don't care anymore. Weighing less is better. Sometimes when I'm having a lousy moment the only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that my stomach is flat. It doesn't matter. I KNOW its stupid but when my treatment team gave up on me I just gave up on myself. They said I have this "pattern" that I do. Get better for a little while and then get worse again. They didn't want to deal with it anymore. I guess I am just proving them right. Stupid. I want to care. I do. It would be easier if someone believed in me I guess. Stupid.
Everything I think and do is stupid.
Its these bad dreams. They get me down. Mae was up screaming in the middle of the night. There's so much we needed to say. It all gets stuffed down inside. I guess it has to stay there because there's no one to listen anymore.
I sound stupid. I'll shut up. Dumb stuff continues to come out of my mouth. I want to disappear. I really need to disappear.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

1. Posted by michelle on July 26, 2008