October 20, 2005
Hunger hurts but starving works....
I love the song "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple. That line just sticks with me.... "hunger hurts but starving works, when it costs too much to love."
I met Nikki today... well, tonight I guess. She left a message on my xanga.com journal and we found out we were not only from the same city, but went to the same gym. Small world. She's anorexic as well. We were gonna go get coffee, but Moxie's was closed so we just went to her apartment and hung out there for a few hours. I'm amazed at just how many things we have in common. It was so easy to talk to her... she understood me.
The thing that just really surprised me though, is that we were talking about being anorexic and I said something about how I felt so incredibly fat next to her, cause she was so tiny. And then she says she was thinking that same thing about ME. WTF??? So then, she asked what I weigh, and I told her. Turns out we are within 5 pounds of one another. So how can she look so thin, and I look so gigantic when we are the same exact height, pretty much the same weight? I don't get it.
The thing with Nic though, is that she is more in the recovery mindset than I am. Her personal trainer at the gym (Nathan) has her on a meal plan almost identical to the one Marcus had me on (like 1700 calories a day). She's been doing pretty well with following it, and said in the last 10 days, she hasn't gained even a pound.
That doesn't make any sense to me what-so-ever. I simply can not comprehend how one can eat and stay the same exact weight. Marcus won't work with me anymore cause I've lost about 25 pounds since I first saw him. I won't follow the meal plan, even if I start out the day with every intention of doing it. I simply can't. As I start to fill in the list for my 'daily intake' the anxiety grows. As the calories pass 500 and then edge closer and closer to 800 I freak out. I think the highest calorie intake I ever had was about 600-700 for the day. And then I'd freak out, purge the last thing I ate and go on a total water-coffee-diet soda fast the following day.
Anyway, Nic and I talked about a lot of things. And it really surprised me that she could feel bad for NOT eating all she should have (still 900 calories short for the day). My mind twists that all around and I feel ELATED if I fall short. I feel guilt and... I dunno... hate and anger at myself if I DO eat. At 1700 calories, Marcus said I'm still 7-800 calories short of where he wants me to be. I was barely able to do 1/3 of that and the guilt was horrendous.
I had Monday and Tuesday off for Fall Break. I should have gone to Judy's both of those days-- just to do homework or whatever, so at least so I wouldn't be home by myself all day long. But instead, I stayed home, trapped by my disorder and all the things associated with it. NOT a good thing. I spent the entire day in this semi-disociative state. Like I was watching myself go through the motions of life. I tried to eat on Monday.... just a small salad. Felt so damn guilty over those measly 50 calories, that I had to get rid of it. Which set me up for fasting most of this week. Tuesday, the thoughts of cutting intensified, and I've been considering the thought all week long... haven't yet done it.... but damn.... it's getting stronger all the time.
I need to stop thinking. I need to go to sleep. I've been sleeping so horribly the last week or so--- even worse than before.....
Posted by Wendy on October 20, 2005 11:07 PM
Comments
my heart goes out to you. i know both your mindsets. i've been in both places. believe it or not the best thing to do is stop adding up the calories. just stick to nutrient rich low cal options, vegetables,almonds, egg whites etc. drink herbal tea. make sure you eat frequent small meals/ snacks throughout the day. take multi-vitamins. DON'T DO lax's/ diet pills (will fuck up yr metabolism. judge weight gain or loss with a good pair of jeans. even if your eating more cals then usual, your metab will naturally speed up w/ the nutrition and you will look and feel soooo much better. not to mention you can respond to your appetite based on actual gain/ loss not obsess over scales that will only tell you accurately w/ in about6 lbs b/c of h20 retention etc. be careful. you don't need me to tell you this, but if you don't let go little by little you will be dead. and the only thing anyone will remember for your obituary was that she dieted.
Posted by: elie at March 7, 2007 7:45 PM
hey. e-mail me if ya need a buddy
Posted by: nikki at September 6, 2007 12:27 PM