November 13, 2005
Nov. 10, 2005
I haven't felt much like writing lately. Once again -- I'm quite positive that it is avoidance. If I don't sit down and write, then I'm not focusing on my thoughts and all the stuff goin on inside and it makes it much easier to deal with. At lelast for the moment. And that's where it gets hard. Cause eventually it all builds up until I'm at the breaking point.
I've been going over and over in my head the idea of going inpatient, or into treatment, or whatever one wishes to call it. I've always said that I don't see myself as "sick", so therefore I don't necessarily NEED treatment. I keep thinking that I can do this on my own and that I don't need to depend on anyone else and I shouldn't drag anyone else down with me. But my problem is that I'm the one who stands in the way. I push people away. I keep them at ann arm's length away so as no to let anyone get to know the real me. Maybe it's simply because I don't know which part of me is actually... well, ME. It's hard to separate myself from the anorexia and to see my thoughts as being different. I just always assumed that if it was in my head, it was mine. There's a fine line there, however, and I tend to cross over it time and again, most of the time never realizing it.
I had my appointment at Judy's yesterday and -- once again-- I cried. I try so hard not to, and eventually it all gets too overwhelming. It becomes too much to handle. I can't always say what I'm thinking or feeling at that moment and I end up crying. She'll tell me these stories or whatever that somehow or another relates to me. And I immediately put myself in that position, and all the thoughts, the feelings become so damn INTENSE. And I can't deal with that. So I try to stop the emotional stuff via physical pain-- but even that doesn't always work. I sit here now with a 2-inch long, 1/4 inch wide cut down my forearm from my own fingernails in yesterday's session. And what did it get me? Nothing but another eventual scar. One more mark. One more reminder.
I know I have to call and set up stuff with Westwind. But everytime I get close, I hang up as fear takes over and I soehow or another onvince myself that I'm fine, that I dont need to go away to some treatment center somewhere -- let alone Canada-- and that I just need to suck it up and get on with my life cause everyone has their bad days. Right? It's this sort of thinking that keeps me trapped here. I can't even make the simplest of decisions without counteracting that withh another thought or another rationalization. It's me against my own mind and I never win.
I was already somewhat anxious during session, scared about having to call Westwind. I just seems... I dunno.... so final, I guess. I know there is still other stuff to take care of before I'd actually set a specific date and get on that plane and al, but actually making that phone call is the start of everything. It means there is an end in sight and it's onlyl a few months away. Yeah-- for most people that would sound like a good thing. A positive thing. Something to look forward to. But when you've lived with an eating disorder for more than half your life; when your world revolves around food and how NOT to eat it; when your time spent at the gymm is more important than the majority of things in your life-- it's all you know. It becomes YOUR 'normal'. Yeah-- it may be completely and totally UN-normal from the rest of the world, but it's all you know. And here within lies the fear.
What is left if I give this up? Who am I without it? How will I deal with life and everything else without the anorexia to do that for me? And that's only the beginning of endless thoughts, endless questions circling around inside my head. Where does it end?
As much as I'm tired of living this way, of being this way... of everything-- something still keeps me hanging on to it. And I don't know how to explain what that is. I just feel it. It's frustrating and aggravating.... and a whole bunch of other things I can't name... or explain.... or...
I need to go run for awhile. Clear my head, my thoughts...
Just make this all stop...
Posted by Wendy on November 13, 2005 5:52 PM