Main » April 2005

April 29, 2005

Maybe maybe maybe

Yesterday I got the call I have been hoping to get for quite some time. BCBS wants to do an interview!! Not only is it better pay, less stress, less hours, seriously good benefits, but it is away from the betrayal of my father, so please everyone keep your fingers crossed, do a meditation or say a prayer for me whichever works for you. I would appreciate it.

My interview is next week so last night I practiced hair and make up and what I am going to wear and am researching ICD9 codes. Those are the codes the insurance billers put to get insurance companies to pay. Knowing them is not a requirement but I am hping to learn enough of them to be familiar with them so I can gain an edge on someone else who may also be as qualified as I am.

Any other suggestions on how to give someone with a chronic illness the edge over their competition would be wonderful.

Keep smiling and have a nice weekend.

Posted by Lisa at 2:26 AM

April 25, 2005

I can not do it

The tempature dropped and my fever and swelling came back and I am at work in tears because I am finally accepting that I can not do it.

This is really hard for me to admit, and even harder for me to swallow.

I do not know what to do at all.

Posted by Lisa at 6:11 AM

April 22, 2005


I always thought fibromyalgia was basically a catch all when they did not know what to tell you was wrong but now I know better-be watching for more info on fibro as they have recently added it to the list of ailments that plaque me.

If anyone knows alot about fibro please leave me a comment and help me learn about this disease.

Thank you

Posted by Lisa at 9:44 AM

How many times can this happen

I am feeling so stiff and achy today and I am afraid to tell anyone for fear they will decide I am not capable of being here. I lied to my doctor for the first time and told her I was fine. I do not recommend anyone doing this, I do not know why I did it. I think I am getting to a point with the lupus and fibro that I simply want so badly to be normal again and I think through sheer force of will I can make it happen but I know that is not true.

I just wish I knew how to get past the anger and truly get to the acceptance. I do not want to be this person, I do not like this person and I can not handle living like this. There has to be a better way. My whole body aches to the point that no pain meds will touch it. Life is not supposed to be this way-dammit, I am only 36, I am supposed to have my whole life in front of me! If I sound bitter it is because right now I am.

I listen to my friends talk about their "problems" and I get jealous, I wish my problems were so simple. Gee how do I plant my rosebush? I hope to get done with my gardening to go shopping!!! I just hope to be able to get out of bed after working all week!! It is not their fault and I know that, I just do not know what to do with the anger that has been buidling up..........

Posted by Lisa at 9:34 AM

April 19, 2005

I am so sick and tired of this place

I am supposed to be getting better, why do I feel weaker and weaker? I know it is my job. I have written my resignation letter three times and so far I keep throwing it away. I really hope I can turn it in soon.

One of the things I have not told anyone who reads this is the employer who is treating me so badly is my own father, that makes all that is going on seem like a double betrayal, I have no idea how to deal with this, I want to curl up and not ever get up!!

Posted by Lisa at 1:16 PM | Comments (1)

April 17, 2005

Sunday evening

I am so disappointed in my body and my power of will! I am hurting all over and was up and down all night last night with a fever again which is signaling a relapse. I do know my body well enough now after dealing with this for over a year to know that I am getting ready for a flare. I am equally certain that the stress from my job combined with the less that satsifactory way my first week back went is responsible for this.

I need to find a better way to deal with the stress without getting so angry and so upset. I know it is not a reflection of my abilities but rather my employer punishing me for being out, yet even armed with this knowledge, I can not stop from getting so upset, hurt and angry. This has to end.

Blue Cross and Blue Shield is hiring and I am going to go apply there this week. I know if I call my doctor she is going to pull me out of work again and I can not afford that at all. I really think my best bet is to find another job and steer clear of having to deal with my employer until I do find another job.

Any suggestions would be great..........

Posted by Lisa at 5:38 PM

April 15, 2005

I hate my job!!

One of the things the rhuematologist as well as my regular doctor keeps trying to drill through my head is STRESS=PAIN with lupus. I am a type A personality and I thrive on responsibility, it makes me feel good to know that other people need me and rely on my expertise in my job and at home. Today has been a humiliating day for me at work since my supervisor has decided that my co-worker who is already doing everything in her power to make me look less than qualified is more capable of helping the new people and answering questions than I am! I am the only one here who took an 85 question test on the FDCPA and only missed one, I am the only one here with prior management experience and I am also the only one of my co-workers currently enrolled in college to increase my marketability. So I have reached a very important decision and that is to start seeking a job that will allow me to be me and afford me the opportunity to show what I am capable of. I would have thought after five years of service needing to take a medical leave of one and half months when it was supposed to be three months but I pushed to come back early would not have put me back this far at work but apparently you are only as good as the day before and the length of time here and the ability shown prior are irrelevant, so in order to preserve my sanity and my dignity I am going to have to change jobs. I do not want to do that however they are forcing my hand.

Some people are content being in one area their entire life and for their entire career, I am not like that. I need to be somewhere with the chance for advancement and this is not the place for me any longer.

Since this mornings episode-I am hurting mentally and physically. My joints are swelling in my hands and all of my physical symptoms are acting up. I know it is because of how emotionally upset I am over the treatment by my employer. I can not allow a job to bother me to this degree. I have other responsibilities and it would be wrong for me to allow this area to take over my life and cause me to wind up back in bed.

I am so hurt and angry that the five years I have been here have turned out to mean nothing-what a waste of my time!

One call to my doctor would get me back out on medical leave but I do not want to do that, I think I am just going to start looking for another job.

Any feedback from anyone especially fellow lupies who have had to deal with this would be wonderful.

Keep smiling-I know I am trying to.

Posted by Lisa at 8:41 AM

April 13, 2005

Back and work and the Back-biting has begun

I have to say I would love my job if not for the people. As funny as that sounds, it is true. One of my co-workers (who would not have the job if not for me) and who has not nearly the amount of experience as I do-has decided to take over and I am beyond furious that it is being allowed. As far as I am concerned she should never have betrayed me like that and I will never forgive her. She struts around here like she is a boss or something and acts like she knows everything and she walks all over everyone! Several people called me while I was absent to complain about her and the way she is acting but they act like they like her to her face because they have heard the way she talks to people she does not like and they do not want to deal with that at all. It puts me in a rough spot though since we are or at least used to be close friends.

More later........

Posted by Lisa at 12:26 PM

April 8, 2005

Auction to benefit Lupus research

Mark your calendars-if you are going to be near Melville NY, or know anyone who is there will be an auction with the proceeds going to lupus research. The link is below that will take you to the site to learn more about it. I was reading it and there looks to be alot of nice items up for aution.

If you are interested in attending and find that there is not enough information for you please email me or leave a comment and I will hook you with with one of the people running it.

Monday I get to go back to work and I am really looking forward to it.
Several of my co-workers seem to be really excited about my return and that is nice-makes you feel good.

I went over to the office yesterday to take my release in and almost EVERYONE gave me a HUGE hug and told me how great I look!! I was in tears-I think during the day to day activities of work you forget how much some people mean to you and it was great for me to see everyone.
I walked upstairs and sat on my supervisors lap and gave her a HUGE HUG as I have missed her ALOT and everyone started laughing when I did that. I am going to be swamped with backed up work but I am still so excited to go back.

Keep smiling and if you get a chance check out that auction site please please please :)

Posted by Lisa at 9:41 AM

April 7, 2005

Back back back to work again :)

Went to my doc this morning and she has agreed to let me go back to work. I am excited to go back but also a little apprehensive since it has been a month and a half. Alot has changed over there while I have been out and there have been numerous problems within my department so it will be a switch from the quiet life I had been leading. My doc is not sure that I will be able to handle it but she wants to let me try since I have been bugging her for three weeks now to let me go back.

I can not remember if I updated that I went back to school but if I did then it is not news. I have taken 7 tests so far and scored between a 95 and 100% on each one so that is exciting for me.

My kids are adjusted wonderfully to living in a different area and different schools and things seem pretty good. It will be better once I get back to work as financially we should not be in as much of a bind as we have been lately.

Being off this long though, has given me alot of time to reflect on the direction of my life and where I want it to go versus where it is. I am no longer content with the status quo of my life and am working hard to change various aspects of it. One thing living with lupus has taught me is that stress is no good for anyone and even worse for people with an illness like lupus. Stress can trigger a flare quicker than any virus can. And I have to do whatever it takes to limit the amount of abnormal stress in my life. To that end I have made a decision that I never thought I would make and that is if there are not some serious changes at my job I will start looking elsewhere for employment. I have been at my current postion for five years and I am not the type to get angry because I do not get my way and quit a job but there is a difference between not getting my way and being walked on. There is nothing wrong with standing up for myself as long as I do not step on anyone in the process.

I am going to have to go back to the doc at the Cleveland Clinic but I am ok with that since he is such a wonderful doctor.

Most of the decisions I have reached during my time off are work-related and I am excited to go back and put them into action. I do feel very optimistic about making these changes to my business life and hope that the outcome is the way I envision it to be.

Keep smiling :)

Posted by Lisa at 9:56 AM

April 1, 2005

April Fools Day

Happy Aprils Fools Day!
It has been raining here all day long and miserable. The cold and the damp make me hurt twice as bad as a "normal" day.
I am hoping to get back to work soon as my finances can not take any more time off. It is a catch twenty-two-the doc wants me off work so that I can focus on getting better, the utilities do not care that I am unwell, they want money, I can not get better unless I reduce the stress in my life, I can not reduce the stress when there is less income-a vicious circle indeed.

I have been atempting to get my associates degree in health care management and so far my GPA is 4.0-yipee yipee!! That is exciting for me. I have decided after I get my degree, I am going to continue to advance my education and go for my masters in business administration. My husband was afraid that would be stressful for me but one thing I have always loved is learning so this is exciting and not taxing on me.

One of the reasons I chose health care management to get the associates degree in is the amount of hoops one has to jump through any time they are dealing with health care issues-I have decided I want to be part of the solution instead of complaining about the problem.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter, mine was not too bad. We went to my fathers house and it was nice to be there as a guest and not a resident :) This was my first trip back out there since we had to live there and I think it was good to give them and me the space we needed so it was a pleasant visit.

I am tired and have alot to do tommorow just wanted to do a quickie update.

Keep smiling :)

Posted by Lisa at 7:45 PM | Comments (3)