Session coming up tomorrow

Tomorrow we have a 2 hour session scheduled with my therapist. I wish It would hurry up and get here. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to bring up what we need to talk about, which my T mentioned briefly last week. Its one of the biggest triggers ever-- animal abuse.
I cant say any more about it-- just writing that makes the blood drain from my head and arms and my head starts to swirl.
Cant discuss it. Its a trigger that we have no control over yet. Makes me switch and run away every time. Cant take even little things. Animals being hurt even by accident--- dissociate, bye, I'm gone. Flashbacks, screaming,and terrible feelings.
Maybe tomorrow we can have time to talk about it. I dont know. Maybe I wont be brave.
Its hard to do this on my own. There isnt much support. Everyone's too busy, too stressed out. My husband is extremely stressed out by his job and some things with his children. Our doorbell rings at night with someone crying at the door needing his help. He has long days at work. There is only so much he can do.
Inside, Mae yells and pushes out her hands and tries to hit whenever the topic of animals being hurt comes up. Carolineine has to take her away off into the woods (a place we have inside) to calm her down, and its just not good.
I am making friends though. They're not the type of friends I can ever tell about being multiple though. They're just surface level friends, ones to go out for lunch and dinner with, go to scrapbooking parties with and such.
I wish so much I had a real friend. I'm so lonely. We all are.

Next time I write I will tell about internal landscapes.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:


I hope your session goes okay. Even I have to very brave to talk about animal abuse extensively. It's really hard and makes me panic and choke. I know it must be worse for you. Just remember that you don't HAVE to talk about it. It will probably be one of your biggest obstacles. You'll come to it when you're ready and maybe even when you're not ready...but you can decide when you want to take it on. Maybe take it on in pieces. It's hard. So so hard. Nothing is worse than the pain of the innocents. Take care of yourself. Wish we had more time to talk.
Your Sis

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