I want to get away from it all
This is one of those days when I JUST WANT THEM TO Go AWAY. I want them out of my head-- now. I'm sick of them hanging around. I'm sick of the chaos these other inside people cause in my life. Right now, I dont even like ANY of them.
my therapist said something that made me think she doesn't believe this whole "multiple personalities" thing. Something about how when she gets up to give a talk, her gestures and voice change and she acts differently than if she were comforting a sick child, and something about how maybe thats how things can seem like multiple personalities. (My thinking was--- you just THINK you have this-- its your imagination, Pilgrim, because you are just that screwed up.)
I closed my eyes and listened to the arguing that started inside. "Oh god, here we go again," i was thinking. "Oh she doesn't think I'm real? I'll show her who's real" (obstinate teenager voice) "but what did i do does that mean her doesnt like me all of a sudden but i know I'm real so did i do something wrong?" (crying 5 year old). I faded away and am not sure what happened after that for a little while
No, no, and no. Multiple personalities ISNT "oh, sometimes I feel like such a different person." It isn't "well at work I act this way, and at home I act like this." It isn't a "sometimes I can be so loud and outgoing with my friends, but geesh if I have to give a presentation or something, I just freeze and become quiet as a mouse!" No, no, and no.
That isn't it at all. That would be called being normal.
Today I just wanted to get away from it. My mind-- its overloaded.
This evening some odd things happened-- a little inside one decided she needed a box--- NOW-- she absolutely HAD to have a box. I have no idea why. All I knew was that I found myself at the store, watching from a back seat as this little one frantically searched around the store for her BOX and telling me over and over "you don't understand!" (I don't understand WHAT?) "you dont understand!" Trying to have a reasonable conversation with a panicky 5 year old is impossible.
Well, she found, apparently, the right kind of box, and I went home. I now have a small children's pop-up tent in my bedroom, and all I know is that getting it calmed her down a little bit, she's got a "box" to sit in, or whatever she's planning to do to it.
Let.me.out.of.here.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
Keep writing. I enjoyed reading your posts so much.
You are doing a great service to everyone by writing this diary. Giving people a greater understanding of this can only help.