Trying to work together
For the longest time, no one worked together. Everything's been chaotic for such a long time, with insiders not knowing about each other, one person not knowing what others were doing. I've had months filled with "fog", where I couldn't be sure of what was going on. That is one of the hardest challenges of this disorder: taking responsibility. Someone inside, who may be a child who doesn't understand how to act in public, might do something, without my awareness of it. But then later I find out about it, and I still have to take responsibility for it, since someone in MY body did or said something wrong...even if I dont know what happened... its like I have to take it on and fix it. I have to still do the right thing. And the right thing is to take responsibility for whatever I or my inside parts do. And sometimes that is such a pain. Because we're all so different... such different personalities, with such different likes and dislikes, such different views on the world, seeing the world through various filters. But I've made up my mind that--whatever they do, we all as a group take responsibility for it. Thus I've found myself apologizing for things that I don't remember, fixing situations that I know I didn't cause...but its all about trying to work together as a team.
Just today, some of us decided to work together on a "contract"-- we're still trying to decide who does what, and when, and how to cooperate with each other. It gets so complicated-- too many minds in one body, and there's never enough time in the day. Its easy to forget, that the adult insiders can't go to the grocery store while the kids stay home and paint and while the boys to go the creek. Its hard to remember--- the body can only go ONE PLACE AT ONCE.
So--the topic of time management has always been a biggie. But its starting to get better. Just today there's been some bargaining for time, a "I'll do this, if you let me do this" sort of thing. Its something we've all got to come to agreement with. Its really hard to work out. Everyone has different interests and opinions. Some people don't mind sharing their day with another insider. Some want time completely to themselves.
All I want is for things to be peaceful inside. For everyone to work together and get along. Thats my main goal for this summer. I'm so tired of always being in the middle of one crisis or another, I'm tired of losing time, I'm tired of forgetting things constantly, of never knowing where I am or who I am. I need for things to get better.
And I need to be the one that makes that happen.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
Wow Pilgrim,
You really got a handle on this quick! Taking responsibility and making a contract ... those are giant leaps, even though it is still scary and a big job ahead ... I'm impressed ;)
That makes you one strong person in my book.