the pull to dissociate is so strong
i want so much to sink down into the inky black darkness of my mind. the land of nothingness where i can escape. i haven't let myself do that today. i've forced myself to stay present all day to make sure I dont cut or anything. the pull to dissociate is so strong but i'm still trying to resist. half the time today i'm wondering why. it'd be easier to let someone else take over and handle it. Caroline could handle today better than i could. Mae wouldnt have half the stuff on her mind that i do, if she were around. But i'm still making occassional efforts at trying to get stronger, at trying to do things on my own. On Saturday morning, I paid some bills all by myself-- a chore that used to be delegated to Missy alone, because she was the only one who could handle it. Now as long as conditions are just right, I can do the bills for a few minutes all by myself-- which is kinda cool.
But for right now, I just want to give in. I want to disappear back inside my head, where I don't have to think, don't have to be in charge, don't hear what's going on around me, everything becomes a blur, a background, far away.
that is what i want so much right now.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
I'm so glad you were able to stay present, as hard as it was. And doing the bills a bit, that's a step in the right direction.I'm sure with all you've got on your mind you want to disappear.I got your emails tonight and answered. I hope you see them.You are loved!Blessings and Big Hugs, Judy