The weight of the world on my shoulders

I just got back from therapy.
i feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. like i'm about to explode. i'm so lonely. i need a friend to talk to. i need to not come home to a dark house. i want to fade away into nothingness. its so hard to sit there and talk. but i want to. i want to have the connection to my therapist like C**** does, like Mae does. i have to be so careful though. i never make eye contact with anyone, but i am trying to with her. That was something we talked about today, about me never being able to look at anyone. I try so hard to make eye contact with her but it hurts to look at people. I dont want anyone to see how fat and ugly i am, or how bad i am, how worthless and stupid i am. I've always felt like i'm below people, not worthy of looking up at them. i just want to hide away.
I dont know how Missy does it. She has no problem with eye contact. She would stare down a 5-Star General and not think anything of it. She'd probably have a stare-down with Jesus and then wink at him. She just doesn't have any fears or any worries about her self-worth.
C**** is comfortable, too. I know she looks at people. i dont know about Mae.

i have so much tension and anxiousness built up inside me from so much that's going on that doesn't get talked about that it just feels like i'm going to explode. i hate myself so much. i wish i could cut until all the bad stuff is out. i dont want to be here anymore.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Migraines

comments.gif

Sounds like that sucks. I have a few disorders but most of what I had I never knew.
I just thought that it was normal. I struggled for a while to overcome them.
I still have some but for the most part I'm a lot more whole than I ever was.

I feel your pain. Work through it. Always remember that faith is the key, Faith in that what your trying to accomplish is possible. Belief that things can get better.




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