My biological clock is ticking hard....

I wish I could be a mom. My sister is pregnant right now, and there are times when I get jealous of her. I want to know what it feels like to have a baby inside me, growing-- a miracle. I want to know how it really feels to know that God is using my body to create a life. I think thats the most amazing thing.
Would I even be a good mom? I have people tell me that I would be. They are people that don't know me that well, or know me only in limited aspects. A lot of people who have seen me teaching tell me what a great mom I would be. And at school, I am often LIKE a 2nd mom to many of the students.
However.
There comes the problem of having more than one person in here.
I can't imagine what the hell I would do to a young child's psyche trying to raise him or her (hopefully a her!)
Can you IMAGINE being 4 or 5 years old, and you were just making cookies with mommy, but now mommy is curled up in a fetal position on the floor because one of her inside people just yelled at her for eating too many, and she's crying because she wants more?
What the hell would an 8 year old boy do if his mom all of a sudden forgot that dinner was burning on the stove because she got wrapped up in searching for worms and turtles out in the backyard? And then no responsible adult came forward to find the fire extinguisher, so my 8 year old son had to figure out what to do?
I think that trying to raise a child at this point in my life with be terribley irresponsible of me.
But DAMN... that biological clock...

It raises some interesting questions though, inside, that we have a lot of discussions about. What would each of us (inside) do if we have a little girl to raise? What would we do?
Missy would raise her in a no-nonse, girl-power, be-all-you-can be way. Toe the line. Keep the house completely neat and clean. Do what your told.
Me- I would raise my little girl to be a free spirit. Want to paint your room all orange today and maybe purple next month? Cool! Have ice cream for dinner? Sounds good to me. Wear fairy wings and a crown to church? I'll wear mine too. Sleep outside under the stars every night? As long as we're safe and warm. Want to live on macaroni and cheese for 2 weeks? I dont have a problem with that. Watch Sesame Street obsessively at 10 a.m. sharp while eating a purple popsicle for the first 5 years of life? I'm all for that.
Carolineine-- she would raise her little girl on natural foods, natural fibers, natural EVERYTHING. They'd shop at Whole Foods Market. Buy only free-range, happy tomatoes that were raised not to hurt the environment. They'd probably make their own clothes grown from their own cotton in their back yard next to the wheat. They'd paint with watercolors and make their own ink. I can see it now.
Jo-- she would raise a kid with a complex who needed therapy. She'd never get off the couch long enough to fix her child some lunch. Jo would only want to cuddle with her little girl and protect her from the world, and never let her leave the house, because the world is such a dangerous place.

Add to this that we have several inside kids running around at random times who think its fun to hide things, get distracted all the time, and the best thing we know how to cook is instant microwaveable macaroni and cheese.

I guess my biological clock is just going to have to keep on ticking for a while...

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

comments.gif

Pilgrim, I have been assigned a research paper on the topic of our choice for my 12th grade engilsh class and was stumbling through topics when I came accross DID. This topic sparked my interest and upon looking through mounds of information, I came accross your blog. I have been reading it for the past two hours and cannot seem to get away from it. I have been thinking a lot about studying psychology in college and your blog has even more inspired me. If you have any kind of information or anything you would be willing to send me to help make my right now "amateur" studies better and more in depth I would GREATLY APPRECIATE it!!

Listen to the voice of experience here: :-)

Motherhood brings about changes that you could never IMAGINE in your wildest dreams. Changes in YOURSELF, your heart, your mind, your behavior. Your baby would change you. The mother instinct is SO strong, I don't think you would have to worry about the things that you worry about. There is always a way to find a way through the things that you worry about! Especially in motherhood. I dreaded and dreaded how I would ever eact ifSammy had to go to the hospital if she was sick. Well, lo and behold it happened and it was AWFUL but I pulled through in flying colors and amazingly enough, I didn't fall apart. I was tired, but I didn't fall apart. And you wouldn't either. Don't underestimate your strength. Besides, you have 7+ years to go...and who knows what changes in recovery you could make during that time! Let that clock tick if you want, but don't throw away the possibility. It's the best thing that ever happened to me, although I was scared (and still AM!) the whole way through. ;-)

There, I'm done preachin'.

Love,
Your Sis

oohps tears in my eyes and also a big smile across my face. you know where ive been with all this. So sweet to hear all their imaginings truth is P we dont know yet. fact is we are not pregnant at the moment. its all totally hypothetical. Kody said youd change. I dont think you would. Instinctively I disagree. But who knows????? These miracles in life dont just happen. sort of ish. i know my miracle was meant to be. I know i would have stepped up to the challenge. I would have been the mum I was meant to be. Im not totally fatalistic but i kind of believe that. Hmmm im not making any sense. For now we'll keep collecting our dollys!!! Hope your arm gets better soon. What happened?




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