Feeling lost and wanting more

HEY!!! Get this through your thick head,sister. YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOTHER!! I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU!! YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND YOU WILL BE GREAT TOO WITH BABY #2.

Also, I wouldnt count the 2 guys you had relationships w/ as ateenager as real relationships. they were boys. you were what,13 and 19?
dont put so much weight on those 2.

i know its hard but Sammy DOES need to learn about boundaries and not getting everything she wants.it is OK. what do you think dr phil would say? she will be all right.

i would give you an A+ just for surviving every day with a gifted 3 year old like Sammy.

I have to agree with your sis, you are a GREAT MOM!
You handled the toy thing just right...she has to wait to choose something different the next time at the store.
I sooo miss the feeling of my daughter within me, moving about. What a glorious affirmation of Life!
Enjoy it!
It's normal to have doubts and concerns as our children change and grow up and away from us. I promise though that Sammy growing away at 3 won't be too far!
She still needs her Mommy.
Actually it's good she's getting more independent because that'll help, hopefully, when you have the new baby.
Do you know if it's a boy or girl? When are you due again?
Please let me know, k?
Love and Blessings,
from a Mom of a 19 yr old daughter who can remember her moving inside me, her going to daycare, her going to school, her growing up, and her still needing me and loving me through it all right up to today!
God Bless Y'all, judy

Thank you guys!

Judy...
We are due May 7th and find out next Thursday if it's a boy or girl. :-) I can't WAIT! Very nervous though. Thanks for all your positive input!

~Lisa

Mothering babies and preschoolers is the hardest job in the world. And, it is the hardest pressure on a marriage.

I would urge you to spend a week stopping those negative thoughts regarding your husband, yourself, etc. and focus on what's going right, what you HAVE done well.

It will make a world of difference just changing your thinking.

Congratulations on a new baby coming. Hang in there. Things will get more difficult with two, and then as they grow you will find your independence again - there is hope.

I disagree that you don't need your husband. He is helping you in more ways than you can imagine and you would only realize if you lost him. Many women are single and wishing they could have half the man you do. Hold him in high esteem! He'll come around.

strange...
I was crying at the computer and I decided to type something in the google bar about feeling lost and your link came up. I was crying about my life and how I felt and what I was feeling was everything you wrote. Is this marriage right for me, being mama to a three old drains me and I question my abilities, and where has "elizabeth" gone that person who had a heart a gold now feels like she just does laundry and make dinner. Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone.

blessings,
elizabeth schwartz

Hey, i just wanted to let you know, or any mothers reading this, that have no doubts you're a good mother, especially if you try your best...I'm only sixteen, and most definately not a mother! aha, but i do know what my mother means to me...and i know that all she's ever done is try her best for me and my younger brother and that in itself makes her the most wonderful mom in the world =). I know how hurtful it must be, to have a child want something and you know you can't give it to them, but have no worries, because it isn't things like that, that children remember, it's when you kiss them all better, read them bed-time stories, cuddle them, and all those lovely things...and by the sounds of things, it seems like you're a great mom, and i bet you anything, when your children are older, or possibly even now, they will tell you that and mean it whole heartedly. so have to worries, so long as you believe in your self, you can do and be who ever you want to be, and no one, including any men, are capable of stoping you. Keep up the great work =)
- oh-so-young

hey,
i don't know why or how i came across this page, i'm 19 i'm young loads going for me but i continously feel lownly, i have around 9/10 girls on the go at the moment, if not more, more i get lownely more i want more,
reading you story opened my eyes alot, i have nothing i should stop acting like a child and do what is right for once, and tbh readin what you wrote sounds like your a amzing mother, i don't usually go on these things but i dunno how, or why its strange but you really opened my eyes to a diff aproch of life, thanks, and all the best for you. xDannyx

I think you do not realize that your thoughts, doubts, ruts, energy draining, etc. experiences are normal. Perhaps you need to add other people to your day/week that are in the same situation that you are. I am not the church going type but there are plenty of groups you can join that could show you that you are normal and your feelings are natural. The more people you have around you that you can relate to and share with the richer your life becomes. You may even begin to apprciate the man in your life more. Don't worry about the tear jerking wants of a child. This sounds mean or negative but children, while they are growing up, are completely selfish. They pretty much never give without getting. It is a rare thing when a child will volunteer their time without expecting something in the future. So enjoy the reward of having children. They are entertaining at the very least... a headache at the most but the best of all you get to love them period. When they walk out of your home you realize that all those little things you did like teach them patience and delayed gratification has paid off in the end. I tell myself when my 19 year old wants money that I either put my foot down now or she will still be figuring this stuff out when she is 30. She will beg for money to buy pants, and she is living on her own, I tell her that she could afford them if she stopped smoking. It is harder on me to say no then for her to hear it. She gets mad and hasn't spoken to me at times. But I tell her that if she had a choice between smoking and having those pair of pants what would she choose. Apparently the cigarettes won but she learned something from it still. If you sit and think about what I just wrote it will really sink in on the long-term goal. Don't beat yourself up. We all have doubts about our parenting skills and we all have experiences with being bad parents. Consistancy and respect are key. Letting your kids walk all over you because they know how to manipulate you is not a good thing. I stand by you 100% that you made the decision to buy only one toy per visit. In fact is pretty generous. So, step out of your boring everyday existance and give your life purpose. Having children and raising them shouldn't be the only things you have to think or talk about every day. There are special yoga classes that you can go to when you are pregnant, you may meet some people that you may find interesting and exciting.

i feel so lost.
married to a always busy woman, father of a beautiful 3 1/2 year old.

Dont get me wrong I love them both but I feel soo lost and invisible.

talk about being lost I am going through a divorce and have never felt so lost and alone. Prayers have become a big part of my life and trying to hold it together is a daily battle. I need to heal from this and hope to get past it. Anyone understanding where I am coming from and have some comments or positive outlook on this situation. I would greatly appreciate.

sincerly Donna

I really don't know why I ended up on this page, either. I am a mother of an 18 year old and a 16 year old, a single mother actually, to be honest, it is a lot easier raising children alone, as long as you know how to make yourself happy and not to rely on anyone to be there, it's not easy but it is rewarding - I don't feel the need to be assessed by anyone else - all I have to see are two happy, healthy young adults, with good grades and nice friends - I know I am a good mother and my children tell me so. Give your marriage a chance, don't seek approval from others - and keep going , you're children need you to be strong and happy, so do some positive things to feel better about yourself, get a nice haircut, buy a new outfit, and everytime you say NO to your kids - they will thank you in the long run, trust me. And if you're husband isn't helping you enough - tell him, if he does nothing, then looking after two children is a lot easier without a useless husband and father. Be proud of yourself. So you know, the preschool baby bit is just a shock, you've lost your ability to do what you want when you want, it get's harder actually, but you'll get used to it and the rewards that are coming to you are far greater than anything you could ever buy or own, the love of your children. Good luck and enjoy.

c

you are amzing. just keep going on.

great love sent from miles away.
xoxo

(hug me)
i am so lost with my family and my girl frend i love her but i dont fell like im haveing it back :/.

i just dont no wa 2 do with my life :(

and yes im a kide 15 and lost i no wa you are all thinking just a nothere kide lost as all ways ...

and yer its hared .. i have had a hared life i dont see much of my frends no more i miss them very much :(

xxx

I guess everything happens for a reason, i was just on google and typed in feeling lost and wanting more and here goes this page. I am in a similar situation, all this time, i felt like i was alone that i was maybe the only female to feel this way. thank you for publicly sharing your feelings and concern. I am a married 24 yr old. i have been married for 5 yrs now. I have a wonderful husband, yes i admit. We have 2 beautiful children a boy and a girl 7 & 4. I have my happy days mostly when im not at home with my husband. when we are both home, we do either of 2 things, bore eachother to death, or get on eachothers nerves... when the kids are around there is little affection... i feel lost and lonely most of these past months. i know that i have a wonderful family but i get these wants for something more. my husband and i see eachother before we go to work he works 2 jobs so we dont see eachother again, until the next morning. we fight about everything and anything. i was braught up in this type of atmosphere i think that history is repeating itself most of the time.... the last thing i want is for my kids to go through the same terrifying experiences i have. i was blessed with my 2 kids, i love them to death, sometimes i feel like i am not the best i can be as their mother. i feel like i can never be the perfect wife, or mother, like i am losing my sense of self esteem... sometimes i cry myself to sleep, even if my husband approaches me to ask what is wrong, i cant open up to him the way i want to.. or it will make me feel better for a while, but the sad feeling comes back. i feel like he can do better than me, he doesnt need the crap i put him through.alot of times, i feel like no one will understand me and think im jsut crazy and unappreciative. i used to love life, and the people around me. nothing ever got me down, but lately i feel like the world is against me, and its closing in on me, so i hold all my feelings in until no one is around and i cry to myself... i have so much going on in my life right now... my marriage is in trouble, but yet i think of how my kids may end up growing up without a father figure they are still tooo young to understand. i just had an abortion 3 months ago, because i felt like i wasnt good enough to bring another child into this world, especially without happily in love parents. i feel your pain, and i know how you feel lost you are not alone. this has made me feel alittle better. to all that is reading this and is hearing me out,thank you!

I googled "feeling lost" and I got your blog. I am 25 and the man I thought I was going to marry just broke up with me. Thank you for this...

"But then again, sometimes I just don't know what to think. I just pray that somehow God knows what He's doing with me."

Thank you for making me feel not so alone...

i am so glad i have come across this page. i really my constant concerns regarding my choices and there affects on my children. i am 27 and a mother of two wonderful boys one is 6yrs old and the other just turned 4 months. i seperated from my 6year olds dad when he was just 8 weeks old because this man was violent towards me, it took me over four years of being single to find myself again and learn to trust i know over the time i have made some bad choices but i think i did quite well, i managed to get a job and my 6 year old still see's his dad every other weekend and every wednesday they are very close (my ex was a terrible partner but is a great dad and would never hurt my 6 year old not in a million years) after four years of being alone i finnally started to get some confidence back and i met a guy through work, he was kind and sweet and really was the opposite of my previous partner he was silly soft. after dating just casually for around three months this man then told me he had a daughter, he stated she was from a one night stand but had decided to support her mother although they were not a couple. of course i was taken back by this not because he was a father but with the length of time it took him to tell me about it i mean i tell anyone i meet for the first time about my kids being a mother to me is my badge of honour. i soon found out why he had not told me when he told me she was only 8 months old. i was ready to walk away at that point but he begged me to try to understand that it he knew i would react that way and that was why he had not told me before. so with a few doubts i decided to give the guy a break so long as he had told me everything and there were no further surprises, he said there was nothing else so we continued to date. the following month was myturn to surprise him as even against the odds and me taking the pill i had fallen pregnant myself, i was very scarred and unsure at the time. his reaction to my news took me by surprise he told me to get rid he said he was in that position just 1 year earlier with his daughters mother and that he couldnt cope with it, that was when i found out that his daughter was not 8 months but in fact she was just 4 months and that when we started dating she was just 8 days old. i told him that i would get rid of the baby but i knew that doing that would be against all of my beliefs and that in fact i knew i would not beable to do that. i figured we were over anyway after the way he lied to me and the responce i had gotten from him i knew i was in it on my own. i should just mention at this point he lived over 300 miles away from me and 200 miles away from his daughter who is in the opposite direction to me. i went home and began to prepare to be a single mother of two. i told my 6 year old and he was so excited i just knew i was going to be ok on my own. then a couple of weeks later he contacted me and was crying on the phone said he couldnt live without me that he was sorry for asking me to get rid of the baby andthat he wanted us to get married and really give being a family together his all. i was sceptical about the sudden turn around but i also wanted the best for my kids so i agreed and we got engaged on the day we got engaged i asked him if there was anything else i should know he then told me he had a son who would be around 12 but that he didnt know where his son was as he and his girlfriend at the time had felt it best to give him up for adoption. again shocked at the revilation that had just been told to me i was abit worried about going ahead, but rose tinted glasses and all i continued. meanwhile weekend after weekend i was travelling the 300 odd miles to go visit him and on the odd occassion he would come visit me, the pregnancy progressed. on my 20 week scan he was late and missed the scan itself but when he got there i told him we were having a son. on the way from the hospital to get the car i noticed he was in a car that was not his and that it had a pushchair and football in the boot, puzzled i asked what he was doing in this car and who did it belong to. turned out he had hired it and for what? only to transport his daughter his so called one night stand and her son from a previous relationship to a caravan for a little holiday, with him and funded by him. he had left her in the van with the kids then travelled over 450 miles to be at the scan, well i went mental he had her sat in a van not knowing where he was but then he had not even told her about me. i of course took that as the last straw and i ended things between us right there and then. 9 weeks went past. and i started to feel that maybe i went a little over board, he told me he had told his ex about us during that time and that he had made a massive mistake that he just wanted his daughters first holiday to be with him. i dont know why but i swallowed his explanation and we got back together yet again. of course he still had his job where he lived and i cant move from where i live as my 1st sons dad made me sign a form to agree if i were to move out the area i would hand my son to him. so when i went into labour with my second son his dad had a 4 hour drive to get to us, needless to say he missed the birth. although i was only in labour for just over 2 hours so i cant hold it against him. he was given 3 weeks off from work to be with us. my son was born 14th dec and on the 18th dec he asked me to touch him you know down there. when said omg i only gave birth 4 days ago i cant do anything like that yet and i dont want to either he said to me oh i am not bothered about you getting off i just want you to get me off. i was thoughally sickened and so angry that for the next 4 days i couldn't even talk to him properly. on the 22nd dec i needed a break he was constantly under my feet feeling sorry for himself, he wasn't bothering with our new son much he was just on the pc all the time and he was starting to get moody with my 6 year old. so i packed him off to go see his daughter for a couple of days and take her some xmas pressies. when he got back on 24th dec he semt alittle happier. on xmas day i thought maybe he would have brought me alittle something whilst he was away, bear in mind i didn't get so much as a bunch of flowers for giving birth to his son. but no on xmas day he had gotten me nothing instead he sat and opened up his present from his daughter a chain saying dad which of course made me feel very sad. later on xmas day he dropped into a right mood again so on boxing day we were bearly talking. again he started to get moody with my 6 year old and that really did get on my nerves so we had an argument about it. on 27th he woke up again in a mood so i decided to take both my 6 year year old and my 13 day old round to my mothers for an hour to give him a break as he said he was ill. after being at my mums 20 mins i got a text telling me he had gone back home as he needed time on his own. so there i was with my 6 year old and my 13 day old deserted. he didnt get in touch at all untill 31st and even then it was because i had text and said if he was planning on coming back for new years eve i was going to be out so not to bother. he came back on 2nd jan and stayed for 2 days before having to head back to return to work. since then i have hardly put any effort into our relationship and niether has he, hes been to visit his son proberbly 4 times since the last time being 4 weeks ago. it was clear to me that we were not going anywhere and that this is not the kind of man i want to spend my life with as since having my son he has blown over 4k on a new tv for his flat and a new car, meanwhile on maternity pay i am stuggling to make ends meet, i have to almost beg to get money out of him. and whenever we speek its always about how lifes so hard for him. i was only staying with him as i thought if i leave my poor 4 month old son wont see his dad at all, he has no friends here where we live unlike where his daughter lives. anyway the fianal straw came last week, after 2 weeks of him bearly talking to me at all and not being interested in a damn thing i was telling him about his son. he finally told me he had quit his job he says he quit the day before he told me but we spoke on that day and he said nothing about it at all. plus i work for the same company and i know you have to give 4 weeks notice. i know he will go back to living near his daughter all along he has said he will never move to live where i am living now and that he sees that place as his home. so i tried to tell him i think we should end it and he wouldnt listen so i sent him an email. a week later on this lazy self centered sod cant even be bothered to read my flippin email, yesterday he text saying "missing you" so i know he hasn't read it. i dont know why i have put up with this mans blatent disrespect over this last year, he even admitted to me that during the 9 weeks we were seperated he slept with someone else. and he always texts some girl called amanda saying he is missing her, he swore she was just a friend but i dont think so. i know i am well shut of this man and i haven't even shead one tear over him i feel like a lead weight has finnally been lifted off my shoulders now. BUT now i feel guilty for my son i know its just a matter of time before his dad dissapears all together and that will be made even harder for him when he sees his older brother go off for fun with his own dad week after week. i made the right decission i am sure of it, i just hope my son can understand and forgive me when the time comes.

Its five in the morning and i am jetlagged. I feel very lost right now and also googled "feeling lost" and have to say am grateful to come to this page. Sometimes you feel so alone when these feelings come and to read others stories is a comfort that you are not alone, even though i can feel how hard others lives seem. I am thirty five next month and have been through three miscarriages. I lives a blessed life and am lucky but the hole in me seems to be getting bigger and bigger. I feel like i havnt achieved anything worthwhile in my life, there seems a lot of heaviness in people and doom and gloom. It is hard to be happy in this life when there is so much against you. Everytime i have fallen pregnant i am filled with dread and feeling how hard life would be with a baby, and i wonder if these feelings trigger the miscarriages. I feel like time is not on my side and i am with someone who i believe loves me but as we know how much these men seem to love them selves more! I am just about responsible for myself let alone another little being, but reading others blogs helps me see that life is not easy, and maybe that is the way it is supposed to be. We shouldnt be too hard on ourselves and i take my hat off to most of you for coping in your lives and hope that you can see you are doing well, even though sometimes it does not feel like it. I hope i am able to make the right decisions and i ask god for help with that. I know that he exists but right now i am having trouble in seeing where he is and i do believe he wants the best for us, but i am fed up of growing, and the energy it takes up, there has to be more to life than this.

Its five in the morning and i am jetlagged. I feel very lost right now and also googled "feeling lost" and have to say am grateful to come to this page. Sometimes you feel so alone when these feelings come and to read others stories is a comfort that you are not alone, even though i can feel how hard others lives seem. I am thirty five next month and have been through three miscarriages. I lives a blessed life and am lucky but the hole in me seems to be getting bigger and bigger. I feel like i havnt achieved anything worthwhile in my life, there seems a lot of heaviness in people and doom and gloom. It is hard to be happy in this life when there is so much against you. Everytime i have fallen pregnant i am filled with dread and feeling how hard life would be with a baby, and i wonder if these feelings trigger the miscarriages. I feel like time is not on my side and i am with someone who i believe loves me but as we know how much these men seem to love them selves more! I am just about responsible for myself let alone another little being, but reading others blogs helps me see that life is not easy, and maybe that is the way it is supposed to be. We shouldnt be too hard on ourselves and i take my hat off to most of you for coping in your lives and hope that you can see you are doing well, even though sometimes it does not feel like it. I hope i am able to make the right decisions and i ask god for help with that. I know that he exists but right now i am having trouble in seeing where he is and i do believe he wants the best for us, but i am fed up of growing, and the energy it takes up, there has to be more to life than this.

I have typed in feeling lost as well and am so glad to have found this site. I have felt this way a couple of times in the past but i can't seem to shake it this time. I am in a rut and hate getting up every morning to do the same thing with people that i don't like being around because they are so up tight. I have a lot of fear of the future...I have been married for almost 8 years now and we still are wondering what's next. I would love to have a family and feel included with almost everyone we hang out with, but there is always this inner voice that says I am not ready yet. I still don't know what I want to do with myself and I am 26 years old. I have a passion for children and have been teaching preschool for years but am now feeling like I need to actually learn how to do something else. I really just want to be a stay at home wife and clean, cook, garden... but my husband says that he doesn't want to sacrifice the money and the way we are used to living. I am to the point where SOMETHING has to change. I have a very negative outlook on life right now and feel like " what's the point?" I know this is not a good way to view things but I really have no passion for anything anymore... or maybe I am not allowing myself to feel.. I don't know.. but I do know that writing some of my feelings down has in some way helped me. I pray that God will bring me passion for life again, and soon.

I am feeling lost like u people.having no one around me.who can understand me.got married against my will to someone who also dont love me.but i feel for him i am just a thing who has to be in his life for children and family.who only take cares like a maid.I have been in this torture since a day i got married to him.he makes me lonely.i never want to get married to this selfish creature as i have seen them very closely.they want women to serve them.i dont want to have a kid as i am not mentally prepared for being a wife so how coul i get myself prepared for child.i just want to live my life alone,with full independence and enjoyment.i want to fly like a free bird. i know that he dont love me.for him i am just a wife who has to fulfill her duties no matter what.i want to live my life on my conditions and my will.i dont want to be slave.i am searching for God now a days to ask him few questions.But i dont know now whther he is there or its just a illusion

I am feeling lost like u people.having no one around me.who can understand me.got married against my will to someone who also dont love me.but i feel for him i am just a thing who has to be in his life for children and family.who only take cares like a maid.I have been in this torture since a day i got married to him.he makes me lonely.i never want to get married to this selfish creature as i have seen them very closely.they want women to serve them.i dont want to have a kid as i am not mentally prepared for being a wife so how coul i get myself prepared for child.i just want to live my life alone,with full independence and enjoyment.i want to fly like a free bird. i know that he dont love me.for him i am just a wife who has to fulfill her duties no matter what.i want to live my life on my conditions and my will.i dont want to be slave.i am searching for God now a days to ask him few questions.But i dont know now whther he is there or its just a illusion

I feel really alone at this point in my life. Before I always had friends, was FULL of life, and felt like I always had a smile on my face. After reading all your stories I realized why I am feeling lonely and here is the story behind the feelings.

I met "the dad" at a mutual friends house. He started coming over to my house and I liked him, he is a nice guy. But, I just felt inside me that there was something about him that I knew I didn't want to have a relationship with.

I had dated him before and I quit talking to him because I knew he was talking to his ex again, as I was talking to mine also. So after a night of passionless sex and the next morning being "thanked" for it I quit talking to the guy.

Well about a year later he shows up at my doorstep and, at this point niether one of us is associating with the exes, we start hanging out again. We both discussed that we didn't want a reationship. I wanted to discover myself as an individual again after being in a bad relationship for 8 years and he wanted the same. So we ended up being pretty close after confiding in each other for months. The conversation was good and the sex was amazing. Well all that amazing sex landed me pregnant! Keep in mind this was 4 months after we started "hanging out".

I got scared considering I knew he already had 2 kids and didn't want anymore.

For some strange reason, I had always known that I was going to have a baby when I was 25 or 26. You can ask anyone who has known me since I was a kid and they can tell you that as a child I wanted to be a mommy at 25 and I didnt want to be married. I've never wanted to get married even thou my parents have been married my whole life. So here I am 25, pregnant, not married, pregnant by a man that don't want anymore kids. I already knew I wasn't going to get married just because I was pregnant.

When I told him he was shocked and asked me what I was going to do. Well duh, I'm pregnant so that means I'm having a kid in about 9 months! I didn't say it like that but he said he needed to be alone to think. About 30 minutes later he came to me and gave me a big hug and told me everything would be okay!

He is a great father to his other 2 and I knew from being with him that he loves kids. So I became the happy little pregnant girl.

I was so mellow when I was pregnant it was scary, nothing made me mad. But while I was pregnangt I remember feeling alone. But that's because I was alone. I stayed home all day with no car, no phone, while he had MY car and was taking it to work....I know stupid me. But I could sleep all day if I wanted and I just had dinner on the table when he came home. We had great friends who would come over on the weekends and we would bbq. Life seemed okay.

Well I had the baby, He came to the hospital maybe 3 times the whole 4 days I was there. He could'nt even keep his eyes open to sign his name as being the dad. It was so embarrassing. He must have partied and stayed up the whole time we were in the hospital. Disgusting, I know. I felt like he didn't want anything to do with us at first. I thought maybe it was new dad jitters. It was akward for a while, but I wanted to stay withi him so I could give my daughter a chance at having an almost normal family (just minus being married). I was just happy and amazed by my lil' angel that honestly I could of cared less about anything else.

Up to this point he had never even told me he loved me, which was fine with me. I didn't want him to say it unless he meant it. I knew he was the type of person that if he told me he loved me I knew it would be forever. Well when our daughter was about 4 mo's old he broke down crying and told me that he knew he had never said it before, but he wanted me to know that infact he did love me and I was the sweetest girl he ever met. You can imagine what a relief I must have felt. I had waited a long time to hear that.

I had told everyone around me up until this point to leave my relationship alone. We took our time with virtually everything (except the having babies part) I gave him his time that he needed to heal with what he needed dealing with and he did the same for me. So after almost 2 years of being with him we were starting to really feel like a family.

Our daughters one year birthday came and went. We were happy in love with her but our relationship was suffering. I had a miscarrige around this same time last year and after that the sex life was almost none existent. Not on my part on his. Which was strange to me, a guy not wanting sex. Well the communication has become minimal. I feel like I am the maid, I do all our laundry, cook all the food, wait on him hand and foot. All he does is work and I do the rest. Not to mention we split all the bills we have together and that I ALSO work 40 hours a week and do EVERYTHING else. I vented some of this frustration to him so he started helping with our child more and cleaning once in a blue moon. I just feel like he is so selfish and only does nice things for himself. He has NEVER bought me a freaking thing, when I WAS (not anymore) buying nice things for him all the time. I.E. a stereo for his truck, pictures of all 3 kids together. I don't think he realizes that I don't do all these things for me. I do them for him and yet on Mothers Day and birthday I barely get a hello, happy blah, blah....If your here Im sure you know the feeling I'm talking about. What really gets to me is he doesn't touch me anymore, he gives me a kiss before he leaves for work but there is no passion in it. I get that guys are stimulated visually and women emotionally. But the no sex thing is driving me nuts. I'm ready to have a fling or something but I don't think I could ever go thru with it. I've never been a cheater, but I will say the thought has crossed my mind.

On some days I'm happy but it seems like the bad days stick out the most. I guess what I am getting at is ...

I feel like if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant that the relationship would have fizzled. We would probably be friends but only ones that say, "Hi", when we see each other in the grocery store. I do love him now after all this time together and having a baby together and seeing how much he loves her I can't help but love him. But the thought that he's only with me because of our daughter is the thought that brings me to tears.

Right now the only thing in my life that brings me pure happiness is my daughter. She is the epitomy of "love" in every sense. I try to stay positive for her but I always have the lurking thougt "what if" stuck in my mind.

Hi there,

I completely believe that whatever has happened had to happen. Any everything is always for the best. So, dont worry too much about the 'if' . You are with your husband because it was menat to be.

feel lost, like you all people ,men, woman, mothers,fathers.. I'm not sure what is the answer for been lost, by i di know, if we step back and take courage to look in to our hearts, we will see,the light..

wow... you wrote this in 2006 but people continue to pour love on you as they connect to the honesty in this post.. it made me cry.. isn't the whole world lost sometimes? *hug* you are the daughter of the King! I hope your second child is just as lovely as your first and that your husband is learning to take better care of you

Thank you for writing so honestly and openly about what you are going through and feeling. I also found your page after googling lost and reading the posts here have helped me to feel better. God bless.

Ijust put 'feeling lost' on google and end up here, is wired put something here after 3 years but.... well i know that u are a great mother, keep going!!!!!!

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I wish there were updates from all those who posted here. It's hard finding this so long after such ssd posts, and not knowing what became of the situation. I guess all I can hope is that something, anything, has changed in these peoples lives.

For myself, the biggest fear is that things won't change. 5 years from now, I'll still be stuck, lost, lonely, broken, and teetering on the brink. Miserable, and scared to leave, scared to be alone, and scared of wasting my life, and missing out on what I believe life is all about.

Like everyone else here, I feel totally lost. I have always been a great problem solver, and for years, I've tried again and again to solve my problems. To make changes, try a new outlook, take a good look at myself, and each situation that bothers me, and have faith that if I just try hard enough, and think creatively enough, I can figure out a way too fix it.

What it all comes down to after 12 years, is that I am realizing and beginning to accept that I should have trusted my instincts, and listened to myself, because I knoew all along that this marriage wasn't right for me. I knew it about 6 weeks into our relationship. We got in a fight becuase he was acting like a complete jerk over nothing, and I knew right then and there that I would look back at that moment years down the road, and think "I knew it wouldn't work. I knew it that night. That first fight, and yet I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and tried to make it work.: I knew it would be one of my biggest regrets. But, I stayed anyway. Why? That question will always haunt me.

My husband has the basic qualities that women look for, but he also suffers from severe clinical depression, and anger, and everything that comes along with that. The lack of motivation, inability to enjoy anything, absent sex drive, frequent angry outbursts, ability to argue over anything and everything all day long and not care about my feelings or needs, or what it all does to me.

He finally got on anti depressants, but they only worked for a while. I've been begging him to go back and get them switched to somethign else, but he simply doesn't. I can't tell you how many times I've asked. He finally got into counselling after 1 year of being on a wait list, only to no show and lose his spot. He waited about another year to get an apt, only to go periodically for a few months, and missed so many apt, that the therapist gave his spot away, so here we are a year later, he's not seeing a therapist, or on meds that work, and I hate him more than ever.

It was so bad a couple years ago, that he was making me insane. I had to go on antidepressants just to deal with him. They worked for a while, but the side effects were too bad, so I switched to another, and it didn't do much for me, but make me have episodes of felling rage, so I stopped them altogether about 1.5 years ago. I know feel like if I don't go back on them to deal with him and the hell he makes my life, I will just snap. When they were working, it soothed my anxiety, depression, and anger. I didn't get as upset or hurt by him, and it made life tolerable, but never happy.

A few weeks ago, I seriously began contemplating suicide. Whether or not I'd actually do it, I don't know, but I guess it's my plan b for now. I've had a hard life my whole life. I've had to fight so hard for every tiny thing that I have. The odds have always been stacked against me, and I've had so little to work with, but as an individual, I feel like I am still triumphant over those circumstances, because I can't imagine that anyone else in my shoes would have kept fighting, or taken the high road. I think my anxiety is what saved me from getting into heavy drugs, or crime, or promiscuity, or whatever else people do when they are hopeless, and have nothing to look forward to.

However, that strength that has gotten me to where I am now, is somehting I feel wearing away, and in limited supply. I firmly believe that everyone has a breaking point, and I feel like I have been teetering on the edge for so long now that something has to give.

I am unbelieveably trapped in my married, in my mortgage, and in my ownership of my dogs. We can barely make ends meet with us both working two jobs, we have an unmanageable debt load that keeps getting bigger, and with the recession selling our house or getting a 3rd job is not a possibility. I have no real family to lean on. If I leave my husband, I will, literally have no one. I don't think I could survive being alone, and knowing that not a single person on earth loves me. I sincerely believe that if I were to divorce my husband that I would never find someone else, and I would be alone for the rest of my life. I know some people think that way, and it'sw totally foolish, because there's someone for everyone...but I have really let myself go over the years. I think they say people use food as a drug and fat as a sheild, and I guess that's what I've done. I've almost doubled in weight, and have destroyed my body, my mind and my soul in the process.

Even if someone were attracted to me, I couldn't feel confident enough to be romantic with them. I wasn't confident even when I was young and thin and beautiful. I have been betrayed by everyone I've ever know except my grandmother, who means more to me than any other human ever has or ever will.

A few days ago, my husband planned a poor business venture after I pleaded and begged him to be vigilant and precautious with the planning and finances, he didn't, as always, and it cost us a lot more money that I was expecting. Well, I knew it would happen that way. It always does with him. He's stupid and stubborn,and doesn't care how deeply he hurts me by risking our finances. Well, I have been too afraid to check our bank account, becuase I feared that we wouldn't have had a cent left, and that our automatic mortgage withdrawl wouldn't come out because we were short. I look today, and sure enough. There wasn't enough in the bank to cover it. By some miracle, there would have been if my husband hadn't made two separate withdrawls since that day without telling me. so, now we have missed a mortgage payment. That's one thing we've never done. It has always come first. We don't get paid for a week, and not only can I not pay our mortgage, but I can't pay for gas for the week, and my commute costs $100 a week in gas. I'm scared. Terrified, and I'm all alone. Worth of all, I can't trust my husband. We've been through it 1000 times. He just keeps lying about money, and I am going to lose my mind, and everything I own because of him.

He expects me to just solve all our problems. I am done. I can't take it anymore. I can't do any of this anymore. I have told him that, and I have been having what I can only describe as nervous breakdowns several times a week, where I just completely breakdown, screaming and crying and begging for him to change, and explaining what it's all doing to me, and that I can't take it anymore, and yet it continues.

I feel lonliest when we're together, which isn't often. He makes me feel utterly unloved, unrepected, unattractive, unworthy, and on top of it, he blames me for all of it, and acts like I should feel sorry for him, because he blames his behavioru on his depression, which isn't his fault. Well, it's not mine either. I've done what I can, and it doesn't work. It's not my problem to fix, so I can't.

Clearly I have my own problems to deal with. Who's going to help me? At what point am I allowed to say enough is enough? I guess the hardest part is making the conscious decision to leave him, and bear the weight of our debt alone, and be single and lonely the rest of my life. The other biggest problem is that I have 8 dogs. They are what keeps me going. They are difficult to raise with such an absent lazy husband, but they are literally all I have and the only unconditional love I have ever been shown. I don't believe in rehoming dogs. I could not bear that. In our area we are only allowed 3 dogs per house, so right now we own, and are able to keep them a secret, but if I left him, we would both have to rent apartments, and no apartments allow 1 dog let alone 8, plus the burden of raising 8 dogs alone is daunting, and almost impossible. We could split them equally, but as you have probably ascertained by now. He can't be trusted to care for them.

So.... that's my life in a nut shell. I'm lost, lonely, unloved, unhappy, and trapped. I see no way out. I have no one and nothing and can do nothing to change it. As awful as things are now, I have a roof over my head, and a place to keep my dogs. If I leave, I lose what little I have. I don't know what to do, and if this is my life, how much more can I take? I'm scared, because I know the answer, is not much. What will happen when I finally break divorce and bankruptcy, lose my dogs (who are
my sole will to live), or suicide? Well, for now, as I said staying trapped is my best option.

Secretly, I am hoping to work on the house, and get a 3rd or 4th job and pay off some debt, so that once the recession is over, I can sell the house and hope against hope that I can buy myself a little place in the country to live with my dogs. Otherwise, I think I may somehow rehome some dogs to people I know and trust to care for them, and put the rest to sleep, because I couldn't bare the thought of them being neglected or abused or shipped from home to home or in a shelter for the rest of their lives. Putting them to sleep would at least be painless and peaceful, and their lives would have been short but happy. Then I would have no reason to live, and nothing to leave behind, and for once I could rest and relax and be at peace in knowing that I didn't have to keep fighting, and that there was an end in sight. I think the fear and anger and sadness could finally lift and I could end my life on my terms, in my time, and stop suffering. I don't think suicide is always the answer. I think it is an individuals right to choose, and in some circumstances it is a reasonable, rational option.

Obviously it's not what I wanted for myself, but I don't see the point in living a life of misery for the next 50 years, if in the end it's all for nothing. I'm at an age where if I leave my husband now, I definately won't be having kids, but I can't bring kids into this relationship. I can't trust him to watch my dogs. So, I won't have the joys of parenthood, and will likely get progressively lonlier with age, as most people do. I'm so lonely already, I can't imagine any worse. I have no real family, and only a few good freinds, who really aren't all that great. I've got my dogs, and that's it, and with the 3 dog bylaw we have, the constant fear of losing them is crippling. knowing I can't keep them on my own traps me, and they are really probably the only reason I'm still alive today. I wouldn't leave my dogs in a world where they are considered products or expendable by most people. I know too well what would happen to them. I also wouldn't leave my husband with all the debt and a house he can't afford. Aside from that, I have no reason to be alive, no joy, no happiness, no hope. I would be sad that my passing would upset my 3 friends, and my grandma, and maybe my aunt, who isn't really even in my life, but aside from that, I don't care how it affects my other family members who have never bothered with me, and who have contributed immensely to my pain over the years.

If anything, I think that it might be a wake up call to those around me to treat people better. I have alluded after years of thinking about it here and there that I may committ suicide because I can't take it anymore, but it's just been in passing and not in such literal terms, and I'm sure he thinks it's a dramatic empty threat, but what more does he need? Nothing has changed, and nothing will. I owe him nothing for that. My passing will crush him, but I don't owe him my life, and won't feel guilt for it. He's dragged me down, broken my heart, destroyed my confidence, and ruined every day and happy event I've ever had with his anger and misery.

I just can't take it any more, and I don't know what to do. I'm going to try talking to him again today, but you know how that will go, and so do I. It's all i can do though. For now. I'm going to make an even harder attempt to get our finances in order, and get on my feet and hopefully sell the house in a year, and move on with my life, but nothing else has ever worked out for me, so I'm honestly not too hopeful.

Sorry, for unloading all this. It's a depressing post, but it's my life, and I needed to get that all off my chest because I can't talk this honestly with anyone I know. I don't want them telling me not the choose to stop living. I don't want them to have guilt for not seeing the signs, or doing enough to stop me, or any of that garbage, so I limit how deeply I discuss my life with my friends. I appreciate anyone reading this, and thank this website, for giving me the opportunity to vent a little.

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i'm sixteen years old and a diabetic for the last eight years. i live with my grandmother but i see my mother regularly.
The thing is my grandmother is like living with a drill sargent. I cant go anywhere with out her knowing who where when why what time. And that's if i'm lucky. Beause of her I slowly feel myself sinking into an antisocial depressed life cut off from everyone. Everytime I try to make new friends, go to parties, or stay the night with someone i get shut down by her. The last birthday party i went too i was 10 years old and the last party of my own was four years ago. She controling me with my disease, i rarely get any praise what so ever from her, i feel trapped mentally and physically in my own home.
I really dont know what to do anymore. I've tried reasoning with her, telling her how i feel, and still i'm the prisoner and she's the warden.
She's tells me almost every day i'm going to kill my self because i'm such a screw up. I feel like she's right sometimes. what if the world would be better if i were gone.
Thank god for what few friends i do have. if it wasnt for them i'd probably have offed myself already.

I need help or advice, either one will do wonders

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