It's been a long time since I posted about trich
It's been a long time since I posted anything. I'm sorry for my absence. There has been a lot that has happened since I last posted. I think that last summer I started to make some changes in my life. I started by giving a better home to the pup that I really did love but didn't have time for. This made my home quieter and more relaxed (even though sometimes I really do miss his silly face and warm body). I've also lost my job working for my father, as his business has gone under after years and years of struggle. Now I'm a full time mom. For being something that I had wished for forever, it took some getting used to. I really do feel very blessed most of the time, but other times I am completely burnt out and used up. When I was working I often felt it was okay to have someone else watch the kids while I worked and got caught up on things, but now since it is basically my life and my "job" to watch and raise the kids, I don't feel like it's okay for me to have my mom or someone come and take over for a while. I'm not sure why this is. I think most moms know that at least SOME time away regularly actually makes you a better mom. You're able to gain perspective, think for a while, and come back refreshed. But I have such a hard time accepting this! When I have my mom or someone come over for a while, I feel so lazy and selfish. I do want to stop thinking this way, but it is going to take some time, and it may never happen. :-)
I'm still attending art school online which is very challenging and which I've almost quit three times. :-) The only thing that is really keeping my going right now is the fact that I love learning, and the fact that I have no way of paying back my student loans while I'm jobless, so I might as well keep on learning. I do feel like I have a future as a designer, but I'll never take any job that will take me away from my children too often, even when they're in high school. Of course, I say that now, but ask me again in about ten years and see what I say. :-)
Time does pass all too quickly sometimes. Jamie is about to turn three and Sammie turned six two months ago. How is that POSSIBLE? Looking back, it SEEMS like it's been that long, but at the same time it feels like it's gone like the blink of an eye. Motherhood is such a contradiction in emotion...all the time we want them to grow up and become independent, while at the same time we want to stop them where they are or even go BACK in time to when they were tiny babies. Time is also like a snowball going down a hill...it just keeps going faster with the bigger it gets. Sometimes I wonder how my mind and heart will handle all of these memories and emotions from all the years, but somehow, I handle it. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I even want to stop moving, but somehow I keep going.
I still pull my hair too much. My hair is about 1/3 missing right now. I was pull free last spring and summer up until about November when we realized I was going to lose my job and lose my income. STRESS! So I sadly started pulling again. I really DO want to be pull free. I feel like a failure because I'm not pull free. I'm ready for a pull-free time to come again.
Once I lost my job, we were forced to declare bankruptcy after struggling for a long time. Fortunately we've been able to keep our cars and our house, but it has still been such a hard time. I've always wanted to be accountable for my debt. We made so many mistakes. And I couldn't face the world outside my home and leave my children to get a job. The very idea just broke my heart. Thankfully, praise God, through these trials we've found a way for me to stay home with the kids, which is the best thing for me and them. And I'm so thankful. I can't put into words what it feels like to sit here on a Sunday night knowing that for days and days to come, my responsibilities are only to keep and teach and care for my children, and that will be the majority of my life. It is a blessing. There are so many material things that I can no longer have because of this decision, but I'm grateful that we are in this place now. I have only one pair of jeans, holes in most of my socks, and a broken washing machine, but I know that tomorrow I'll be there when my kids wake up and I'll be there when Sammie gets home from school and I'll be there when they eat the dinner that I made and I'll be there to get them their baths and play with them and put them to be. I'll be there. And isn't that amazing? I'll be there to take Sammie to school every morning and kiss her goodbye and tell her I'll see her off the bus in the afternoon. I'll be there to play with Jamie and watch his favorite movie for the 300th time. I'll be there to take them outside after school and look for signs of spring and maybe dig for worms. There is so much to look forward to.
I guess that sometimes I think that my hair pulling rules my life. But it doesn't have to. Maybe if I just let go and let God, I can be the person that I need to be. With all my hair and everything.
Until next time.
Posted by Cody on March 8, 2009 8:10 PM