May 12, 2008

Trichotillomania....the "trich" is the idea

I am officially six weeks pull free tomorrow. I had a really bad dream the other night that seemed so real....I was sitting on the couch pulling hairs from the top of my head. It felt so read that I woke up in the morning not knowing if I had really pulled or not. I hate that! It's the trich trying to trick me, and it's really unfair.

I try not to touch my hair too much because that leads to desire. I also try to not run my hands through my hair looking for loose hairs anymore. This should equal pulling...I think it does almost as much damage. My eyelashes have really taken a beating. I'm only one day pull free on eyelashes. I want to stop attacking them as a substitute for attacking my hair.

My son turned two last week. I wonder how time can go by so quickly. I already forget what it was like to have that sweet, cuddly little baby boy. He is still sweet and cuddly, but the little is quickly becoming history! He repeats the words that I say all the time, and is a much better talker than Sammie was at his age. It's fun, but also frustrating at times, because I can't always understand what he's trying to say. Frustrating for both of us! But he is so sweet and loving...but quickly becomiung "all boy". He has a taste for guns and hitting and screaming and throwing things. This is new to me as Sammie never really enjoyed those kinds of things. I mean, he was clapping while watching Terminator 2 tonight. THAT is all boy.

Sammie is doing great and I love her so much. I worry about her all the time. I can't seem to stop trying to cure my past by overcompensating with her. I don't ever want her to feel lonely or left out. But I really believe that is my problem and not hers. My experiences, and not hers. But I can't seem to stop. I hover. I over do it. I wear myself out constantly. I'm trying to take baby steps to stop this. She is such a busy girl that I often find myself exhausted and worried that she isn't getting enough attention, etc. I wonder if things will be easier when she goes to kindergarten. I think they will be. It's hard to imagine though. How will I spend my day, knowing that my little girl is in someone else's charge for six hours? Doing her own thing. Experiencing things without me being there to protect her. It scares me. I fear her being hurt. Lonely. Rejected. But those are my issues from the past and not necesarily something I can expect for her. I just can't seem to let myself feel good about letting Sammie go out in the world.

I am still over eating on a pretty regular basis. I have to admit that I've given up. I don't like going out, especially around my family, because I don't like to be seen. I want to disappear, but my body does the exact opposite. I want so bad to be thin, but I just can't seem to make myself so what needs to be done. Food is filling voids for me right now that I can't find alternatives for. I'm hoping that, just like my trich, a better time will come to me. If I just wait for the right time, I'll KNOW it's the right time, and almost like magic I won't need food so much anymore. I'll make the healthier choices without thinking twice. Say no thank you to cake without feeling like I'm being deprived. Stay up at night to get my work done without sitting down and eating first. I hope that time comes soon. I weigh 255 and I'm gunning for 300.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on May 12, 2008 9:08 PM


A few thoughts:
Your kids get PLENTY of attention. Trust me. They get more than any of the kids I know, and I know a LOT of kids- hundreds.
It will be hard when she goes to kindergarten, but you'll adjust if you will let yourself. How will you spend your days? Doing all the things you do now.
JUST because you weigh 255 doesn't mean there's a rule you have to go up to 300 or even to 256. I'm sorry to hear you have given up because you're so much stronger than what you think you are.
Taking baby steps is good. All you have to do is take one small step at a time.
What can I do to help?

I'm not sure what anyone can do to help. I just keep eating and not exercising. Choosing the easy path. I sat in the closet Sunday morning under my clothes and just prayed that I could come out of the closet being thin; that maybe God could grant me a miracle. No luck. I can't out looking the same. I just...can't seem to give up this one thing that I have. Food is my companion. It doesn't boss me around, get mad at me for no reason, love me one day and shun me the next...but it is the one thing in my life that could actually kill me. I just can't seem to get it through my head. I just don't know what to do anymore.

What would you tell Sammie if she were in the same situation?

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