Pulling and anxiety

The past three days I've been pulling ALOT. Luckily today I haven't pulled at all. I've found that if I can stop myself from pulling the first hair of the day, then I can usually make it all day without pulling.

I think I have so much anxiety now due to the pregnancy and the past issues with my marriage. When I was pregnant with Sammy, I pulled SO much. It's just an anxious time for all women I think. (Is that why many women gain a lot of weight?). The issues with my marriage are pretty much laying unresolved although my DH did apologize profusely three days ago for being such a jerk the past month. He is back on his Paxil so maybe that's the reason why. However, his apology made me feel worse and not better, and I'm not sure why. I think I had dissociated so much from my real feelings when all of this happened , that his apology made my real feelings burst to the surface like a volcano. But you can't very well attack someone when they are sincerely apologizing now can you? So, I deal with my feelings by pulling while also trying to sort them out in my head.

My DH was gone for four days on a business trip and I learned a couple things while he was gone. I learned that it is really hard for us to be apart. Not because I miss him, but because he is an essential part of my life. I think I took his prescence for granted. He does help me keep Sammy entertained while he is home, and that helps a lot. Plus Sammy is so happy to have him home. I don't think the three of us could ever be apart, it's just too difficult. Maybe we are meant to be together. Maybe things are just different than I imagined they would be in my life. They always said that you shouldn't marry the person you can't live with, marry the person you can't live WITHOUT. Well, it was pretty hard to live without DH the four days that he was gone. And he had a very hard time being away too (hence the Paxil).

Someday I'll post on here about the difficult circumstances that we went through the past six weeks, but right now it's still too fresh to talk about. It's easier to talk about it when it's just a fading memory.

I have pulled a lot from the top of my head and there is a significant bald spot on the top. It's easily covered but I wish it wasn't there at all. The sides of my head are also bald in spots, but mostly just thin. I'm basically back to where I was 2-3 years ago when my hair was pretty bad.

I wish I could recapture how I felt last year at this time. When I hadn't pulled in seven months and I felt SO GOOD. I want that feeling so bad. I just can't seem to grab onto it and hold on. The need to pull eventually outweighs the need to have that good feeling.

Lately I was thinking about the reasons why I may have started pulling. I was 14 or 15 at the time, and I had just come out of an awkward phase. Suddenly I felt like I was pretty, and I was a freshman in high school. I got lots of compliments on how I looked from friends and even from people who used to make fun of me in Junior High. I don't think I knew how to cope with it. But then I learned some things about being pretty. Pretty means that the creepy guys in the lunch room stare at you and yell things. Pretty means that you get unwanted attention from guys in the hallway. Pretty means that you start not wanting ANY attention anymore. Maybe I started pulling so that I wouldn't be so pretty. Because being too pretty is bad. You should never have too many good things for yourself, because you don't want people to see that about you. My dad taught me that. And don't ever think that you're better than anyone else, because sooner or later you'll find out that you're NOT. In fact, you're the worst. My dad taught me that too.

I guess I'm just blabbing now, and maybe it doesn't do any good to research into the past anyways. What I need to deal with is what I have NOW. And what I have now is a real problem with pulling my hair and eyelashes out.

I"m also feeling a lot of anxiety about the upcoming birth of my baby. We are due about May 7th or so and suddenly that doesn't seem so far away. I'm not anxious about HAVING a new baby...I look forward to adding to our family and having a new little someone to take care of. What I'm anxious about is the birth. When I'm afraid and it's nighttime and it's quiet, my mind just kind of yells out: "I don't want to die having this baby too!". My common sense tells me that the chances of having what happened with Sammy happen again are very LOW, but the real me that I am inside is really, really, really afraid.

But for today, I'll try to concentrate on the good things. And not pull. But I'm not making any promises, especially not to myself.

Posted by Cody on January 20, 2006 8:06 AM