Two months pull free

I'm almost two months pull free now. I'm feeling more confident about the way my hair looks everyday. There are so many things I love about NOT pulling. One of them is going down the shampoo and conditioner aisle at Wal-Mart. I don't have to buy just the shampoos that promise poofy hair. I can try anything I want. I also love that I can walk around with wet hair and not have to keep touching it to re-arrange it over the bare spots.

I did pull all the hairs out of the lump on my head though. I'm not sure why I did this. But it only lasted for ten minutes one night, and I haven't pulled since, so I'm still counting myself as pull free. I hate that bump on my head! I always wonder what it is. My research leads me to believe that it is a "sebaceous cyst" (sp?). I think I got it FROM pulling. One of my follicles turned into a cyst, full of a hard substance. I HATE IT. I've had the lump since a year before college and I HATE IT. Usually I don't talk about it and try not to think about it, but man, it SUCKS. It's diameter is a little less than a dime. But it must be raised about 1/2 inch off my head. GO AWAY CYST. :-( Maybe someday if I can stop pulling for a year, I could have it looked at. I could feign ignorance...saying I don't know WHY it's there...just tell me what it is and GET RID OF IT. Someday. Usually I have to cover it with dark brown eyeliner to make it appear less noticeable.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've got some more ideas on why I pull and why I tend to overeat. I think they are both ways of making me feel ALIVE and real. if I am pulling, I'm feeling a sensation, and sometimes even pain, and that means I'm alive. I exist. When I'm eating, I'm feeling something...the chewing, the crunching, the taste. I'm here. I'm experiencing something. Most of the time I am pulled so far away from my feelings. Desensitized in order to survive the things that scare me or bring me down (my parents, my husband, lack of time for myself, etc.). I want to practice being PRESENT. Being HERE without the need to pull or overeat. Today is my first day of trying this. We'll see.

My kids are beautiful. I can't explain the ray of sunshine that James has brought into my life. He is wonderful. Sammie has started school and she LOVES it. She wishes it was everyday of the week. She adores her teachers. She's learning to write her name. I'm so excited for her, and for myself, in knowing that I made a good decision for her! But the first day I left her there...I walked out of the room...and it was like a panic attack. Every muscle ni my body was poised to run back into that room and grab my baby girl and take her back home where she belongs. My nerves flared. My eyes teared up. It felt completely un-natural. Surreal. Not right! I felt that way untl I picked her up...and saw how damn happy she was. The bad feelings have eased a little each time we go since then. But I wondered: "Am I the only mommy that feels this way? Am I the ONLY mommy who doesn't like not knowing exactly what my little girl is doing, seeing, hearing, experiencing at every given moment?" Am I? I miss her when she's not here, yet I crave the time without her...it's so quiet here. I have time with just James. Or time to just work. Just TIME. It's starting to feel right. I know that I can do it now. But Lord I miss her sometimes. I miss the way she used to want only me. I'm glad those hard days are over, but I MISS them at the same time. I'm so torn.

Last night I asked Sammie what her favorite part of the day was. She had two answers: "When you played with me in the bathtub." and "When you stood on the carpet to pick me up from preschool and I didn't see you at first but then I saw you." Those were the best parts of her day? God must really love me, because I don't deserve that. It was a sobering moment.

Things between my DH and I got very tough when I wasn't taking my Prozac. I just really hate him sometimes. I wish it weren't that way. There are so many reasons why he deserves to be hated...he DOES. But, in spite of myself, I still feel happy when I see him parking his car to come home for the day. IN SPITE OF MYSELF I am still happy to see him. I feel torn over this too. There isn't any repairing the damage between us any more. There's no hope. I don't love him. But I can't stop WANTING to love him. Damn my stupid heart. :-(

I want to post a picture of my two-months-worth growth of hair in my bad spot. I hope you can tell how to look at it, since I had to crop it very close in order to keep my privacy. No one has ever seen my bad spots before. Not on purpose anyway. But I wanted you all to see it, because I know you are wondering. And I want you to know that I read your posts, and I feel your pain. And I want you to be free too. I really believe you can become pull-free, if you find what works for YOU. Don't give up. I'm thinking of you all.

Posted by Cody on September 15, 2006 12:06 PM