July 6, 2007

Less pulling but my hair is a MESS

I haven't been pulling very much. I had to have minor mouth surgery because of a gross abcess and I've been pretty sick from that. I had a fever and chills for several days and have been just sluggish in general since then. I didn't know an abcess could make a person so sick. I'm feeling better now, I just need a lot of rest. My friend told me that an abcess can go straight to your brain and KILL you. Damn, who knew? Not me. At any rate, I'm fixed now. Hopefully for good.

My DH has been on vacation and driving me crazy. He thinks that when he is on vacation, I should be on vacation. Because, after all, I'm a work at home mom. I have TONS of time on my hands and in the afternoons I lay down with my angels and take a loooong nap everyday. It's SO easy. (Trust me, he has alluded to this fact several times). Life is SO easy as a stay-at-home mom. Isn't it? I mean, I only have two kids to take care of, an office to run, a house to keep clean, a barn with horses to keep healthy, and animals to feed and clean up after. It's SO easy. :-)

Actually, on a serious note, last week I was actually worried about myself for the first time in a very long time. I usually never worry about myself. Heck, I can handle almost anything, right? Physically my body will never let me down. But last week with the abcess and everything, I was a MESS. I was actually scared. After that was all over with, I kept falling asleep at weird times. I actually kept dozing off while I was on the phone with the business' flooring supplier. Granted she talks FOREVER, but isn't it weird to be dozing off on the phone? Then I kept dozing off while sitting at the computer. Then the last straw was when I was sitting on the couch with Sammie and dozed off while SITTING UP and WHILE SHE WAS TALKING TO ME. I think that my body is crying out for some rest. I just don't know how to get any. Jamie still wakes every 2-3 hours at night right now because he is getting some big teeth in the front. It's annoying. However, I know that within the next year he'll start sleeping better just as Sammie did. So it doesn't feel like a big deal right now. But it did when I was so sick. I just wanted to get some rest. I wanted DH to take the kids and just let me rest. But he won't even sit with the kids while I take a five minute shower. I try not to analyze this too much. It's just how it IS. This is my life.

Today I'm recommiting myself to following the Weight Watchers program. I'm so scared that I will regain a ton of weight when Jamie really starts eating solid food. So I have to start NOW. I also need to find more ways to get more exercise. It's hard in the summer when everything is so hot and I worry when I take the kids out that they will be hot too. So, I try to work out after they're in bed at night. Then I have Jamie waking up every 1/2 hour in the early hours of the night so that makes concentrating on a workout a little tough. BUT, I am really going to try. The other day at a picnic I was sitting in a lawn chair and the arms of it were just cutting in to my thighs. I felt like the biggest person sitting in that chair. Some from now on, whenever I get dillusional and actually think I can actually look passable, I need to remember that moment. I want to be able to sit in a lawn chair and feel okay. I want to be able to sit in the lawn swing and not wonder if it will hold me. I want to be able to get in line at the amusement park and not wonder if the seat belt will go around me. I want to be free of this! I know that I can do it.

What I am really doubting myself on is the hair pulling. I've been pulling pretty much since Christmas and it shows. The hair on top is thin again. I have to be careful to keep the hair on the sides placed just so so that the thin.bald spots don't show. I hate it. Why can't I decide that this isn't how I want to live? What keeps me pulling? I want to have hair again so badly. I just have to take this one day at a time. One hour at a time even.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on July 6, 2007 8:28 AM


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