February 16, 2007

A dollar and seventeen cents

My daughter paid me a dollar and seventeen cents today because she acted so bad when we went to McD's for lunch. She was loud and rambunctious and just plain not listening. She usually isn't like that at all. I'm not sure what was going on or why she was acting like that. But this $1.17 has broken my heart and I feel like I am falling apart. It's the drop of water that has overflowed the dam. I'm so tired of detaching from my feelings and living in a world where I feel nothing, and express nothing except love and happiness. But I don't know how to stop. I don't know where to go from here. I don't even know what I need anymore or what I can do to change the way that things are. I'm so caught up in the momentum of day to day living this way that I can't seem to say "STOP!".

I'm still pulling my hair. I've been pulling since Christmas now I think? My hair doesn't look as good as it did. I've haven't had any sprees in the past three weeks, but I still pull at least 25 hairs a day. Today I've already pulled three. Previous to this month, I was pulling like crazy and didn't feel like I could stop. I hate that feeling.

What seems to be bothering me the most lately is my weight. I went back to WW this week. I was down six pounds from the first week of November, when I last weighed. I felt good about that! So what did I do this week? BLEW IT. Not today though. Today I have 22 Points left and I've already eaten lunch and I don't feel hungry yet. Today is going to be a good day. I want to be thin again so bad. I want to wake up tomorrow morning feeling thinner instead of fatter.

Overall, I want to stop feeling like my life is not in my control. A list of things I'm unhappy with:

1. I am not pursuing my art. Instead I work a dead-end job for my father's dying business.
2. I let my husband push me around. I want to be in an equal marriage.
3. I don't have any time for myself. I give more than I have and in the end, there's nothing left. There's a deficit.

I"m not sure how to resolve these things. I think number 3 will resolve itself over the next few years. I'm hoping that I will gradually keep having more pull-free episodes and eventually my pulling will just kind of disappear.

Well, I'm rambling now.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on February 16, 2007 10:29 AM


Yay you are down 6 pounds, that's great!!!
Ok we need to chat tonight so get online :)
I have an idea that I do with my students, that MIGHT help you. One of the things that helps is HOW you phrase things when you want to 1)help yourself feel better and 2)reach your goals.
You have 1,2,and 3 written down.
Try rephrasing them in a more positive way to see if you can make them into some tangible goals that you could work on that might help you feel better. (these are JUST ideas!! You know you can throw them out if you dont like 'em)
1. I will work on pursuing an art project (ha, GROWN UP art project, not a 4 year old's art project) for a total of 30 minutes this month.
2. I will speak up and set boundaries with my husband such as a)not going to the store with him and his mother every time when I don't want to go ...b)(think of another thing to go here)
3.I will work in 5 minutes a day for myself this week, even if I have to lock myself in the bathroom at night after the kids have gone to bed and put some headphones on with my new Steven Curtis Chapman cd playing for 5 minutes.
think those could help some?

YOU CAN DO THIS. Things WILL get easier. I know its hard right now. This is the hard part. Things WILL GET BETTER. You're going to make it.

I stumbled onto your blog. We have some similar things going on in life, such as caring for someone who doesn't care for themselves but has no scruples about asking others to pick up the pieces they let drop.

Just know that someone read about you, cares, and wishes you luck.

Hello Cody,
I have learned a lot from reading your posts! I am a non-trich man who was in love with a woman who dealt with it.....

I just got out of a relationship her. I have an intense feeling of guilt about the situation and desperately wanted to talk to someone about things who understand this world. Anyone willing to chat?
Confused in New York

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