Do i just resign myself?
Last night in bed, I was thinking about what I wrote her..about denying everyoneand their existence. I realized that I've had this conversation with my therapist quite a few times; with myself, countless times. This whole "they're real; they're not real; they can't be real; of course they are real" record plays in my head on a regular basis. I dont know why I do it...it doesn't get me anywhere. :( When I try to "make" the others go away, and force them to stay inside, not let them talk, when I try to ignore them, I always end up paying for it in a big way: getting my hand sliced open, having an iron set down on my hand; finding threats from them written in my notebooks; something in my life gets sabotaged by Missy or the Bully.
One of these times, I'm going to learn.
Thank you Theresa, for your comments:
How are you able to function and have relationships, how do you control it? Does therapy help you with this and do you ever think youll be just one person someday?
Able to function really well at work-- thank goodness. Caroline takes care of work. Its her job. I (Pilgrim) am a really good teacher...its something I've always wanted to do, I've always had a talent for it,and I love little kids. However, I'm hardly ever able to shut my mind off in order to concentrate on my students and my job, so when I'm working, I'm still pretty distracted. But Caroline-- she's a pro at teaching. Nothing distracts her. When she's at work, she's all about work and nothing gets in her way. So Caroline handles work from 7:30 to 4:00 every day. I dont know how it works. All I know is that, no matter how depressed I am, or whatever is going wrong with me in the mornings, or even if its Nobody driving to work, once we set foot in the building, Caroline takes over.
After work,functioning is questionable...it just depends on who's here. Nobody-- she can't get much done; she's too depressed to do much. I (pilgrim) sort of plug my way through the day the best I can. We can usually rely on Missy to get bills paid, housework done, and shopping done-- those are things she is good at. I guess that everyone just does what they can.
Relationships...well those don't go so well. I dont have many. I dont have any real-life friends. My sister is my best friend and always has been, but we live really far apart. Caroline has good relationships with people at work-- she can make eye contact, joke around with people, make people feel comfortable, and she's good at helping others. Nobody-- she can't make eye contact with anyone, not even our therapist; she's too afraid to be around anyone at all. Its different for everyone. Relationships are complicated; a lot of them haven't worked out. A lot of times its been my [our] fault. Sometimes it has been others.
Therapy helps a lot...although i think my therapist deserves a medal, a commendation, a raise, and a trip to Hawaii for dealing with me the past few years.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: Biofeedback
you are extraordianarily brave pilgim. I admire your abiltiy to survive and even beter than that make a success of your life.I do not mean to impose upon you, but I need some help in trying to ascertain a young child's psychological situation. I believe this little girl is being abused by at least one and possibly both her parents. I was witness to an event which I would call abuse one time, but have also seen bruises on her that were explained as "accidents". A year ago she displayed an alternate personality by the name of Sally, her mother attributes this to an overactive imagination. This year I just saw her again at Thanksgiving and my daughter tells me she overheard her speaking to yet a third person by the name of Maria. I am very concerned about this situation and do noy know where to turn to for help. This little girl is my husband;'s neice and there is a sad history of depression and abuse in this family. I really want to do something to help but I need to make sure I am on the right path first. Why would this personality situation not draw the attention of teachers or other people? i hope I am wrong. Thanks for any help you can offer. This whole thing is making me physically ill.