Pulling lets me drift away
Still not pulling. Haven't really even paid much attention to my hair the past few days. But tonight I realized this is the longest I've ever gone without pulling. Yesterday I was lying in bed and I thought "I really don't ever have to pull again. I will never have to live that way again if I choose. And I can do this." It was the first time I'd thought so positively of the whole thing. I think that's a big stepping stone. I am even able to watch TV at night without wanting to pull. IN the old days I couldn't wait until it got dark and the lights were out so I could sit there and pull without my husband noticing.
Now I want to grow my hair long again. But that could be dangerous because since it's short, I can't play with my hair and stare at it and look for the split ends. So it may have to stay short to stay pull free. I don't MIND having hair this short...in fact, I love it. But sometimes I miss putting it in braids or ponytails. But I guess those days are gone. :-)
I think one of the hardest things lately is is having to be "here". It's hard to explain, but by pulling, I could drift away. Stare into space. Take a "break" without having to physically go anywhere. So, now, at times, life just gets overwhelming. I burst into tears for no reason just because I am so overloaded.
Today I went to the dentist and he said I should have my thyroid checked because it felt funny to him. *eek* That means I have to get my blood drawn. Could this be why I'm gaining weight so fast? Or maybe why I feel so sluggish all the time? Who knows. Guess we'll find out. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow. In a way I hope that I do have some kind of under-active thyroid so that they can put me on some medicine to stop me from gaining weight. I've officially gained 28 pounds since Christmas. That can't be right....something must be wrong. I could see if I was pigging out a couple days a week or something...but most of the time I do alright. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself and am doing worse than I think. Sometimes I hate my body!!
Well, I better run so I can go do other things. Until next time. :-)
Posted by Cody on September 21, 2004 7:03 PM
