Thinking Back

I read my sister's entry about the tulips in the front yard and I was so sad thinking about a little girl not even eight years old, feeling like she needed to make herself bleed to feel real. It's not right. When I think of that, I see not only my little (big) sister, but also Sammy's face, and it is really painful. No child should feel that way.

I remember when I was eight years old, I started to cut the skin around my fingernails with the nail clippers. And I started to eat my clipped finger and toe nails. (Gross I know but TRUE!). Yep, it's time for true confessions. I wonder why I did this? I don't remember any particular sensation or feelings from the time... I just wanted to do it...and needed to do it. Maybe THAT is the sensation. I was trying to create some feeling in my inside world that was void of feelings and emotions. (My sister and I were not allowed to feel). I was trying to create something inside me...a secret thrill...maybe a release. I'm not sure.

It seems like a lot of my life was run without emotions. Emotions stuffed down and invalidated, by myself more than others. I didn't want to feel. Feeling meant trouble and danger...just paste a smile on your face. Make someone laugh...the pain will fade or hide itself underneath the layers.

I can't remember much from high school. Not that it was traumatic, I just can't recall many feelings or things that I did. I do know that I cried a lot. A lot. I would cry at night or back at the barn. just cry and cry. I remember when I went to summer camp, I went out on this big hill and just started to talking to God and crying this big huge tears, not even caring if anyone saw me. I would always do that. Talk to God and cry. Cry a river. I would always tell God that He had my life, and that I need Him to save me. I think that He saved me many many times. I feel that the Lord is very real to me. Standing beside me. When I was about seven or eight, I dreamt that my dad was chasing me around the house and yelling at me something terrible, and I went in my room and ran to the arms of Jesus...and He protected me. He kept my dad from being able to open the door.

When I was fifteen, I slept a lot. Sometimes I couldn't wake myself up...and I would sleep for 2-4 hours or more. One day I fell asleep on the couch, and was trying desperately to wake myself up. I felt myself pull out of my body, and I was standing above myself trying to shake myself awake. I gave up and instead floated up to our cathedral ceiling. There was a panel- like door in the ceiling, and I knew that it was the door to heaven (I know this is getting very surreal). I passed through the door and I was so happy to be walking down the streets of Jerusalem. I saw Peter and John and the other disciples, and I asked them where Jesus was. They pointed down the road. I wanted to see Jesus so badly. I walked up behind him. He was writing in the sand. He wouldn't look at me. I just wanted to see His face, but He wouldn't let me. Then I felt sucked into my body and I woke up shaking and sweaty. Looking back, I realize how strange this should have seemed to me. I don't think I was dying, just having vivid dreams, but what if I would have seen Jesus' face that day? Would I have died? It's weird to think about that. But today, thirteen years later, I still remember that dream.

So, amidst all this rambling, I guess I can see how I tried to escape emotion my whole life. I would do anything to get the emotion out...cutting...pulling my hair...and now, eating. Why can't I just let my emotions out? Why is it so dangerous to do that?

It's definitely something to think about.

Sometimes I think about what I want for Sammy. How do I want her to be feeling at my age? I want her to feel free..confident..unburdened. I know there will be things that happen in her life that hurt, that I can't protect her from everything, but I know that I can be the type of mother that I didn't have. I gave give her the freedom to express her emotions whenever she wants. I can give her the freedom to be herself with fear. At least, I can give her a good start down that road.

Well, I really rambled tonight.

Until next time. :-)

Posted by Cody on March 29, 2005 9:08 PM

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