September 10, 2004

My brain is cruel


My brain is so cruel.

Last night I dreamt I was pulling. Just pulling and pulling. Just like I was sitting there watching TV, like in real life, and pulling. And it felt so real. I woke up thinking I had really spent the night before pulling my hair out. Every part of it was so real. Why? I had to think for several minutes to realize that I hadn't pulled, that everything was alright. I even checked my hair. Ever since that dream, I've been down. Realizing that this fight won't get any easier anytime soon. That someday soon this whole pull-free wonderful-ness can come crashing down around me and become just a happy memory once again. Sucks.

I cut my own hair last night. Got a little scissor happy. That's okay. Now the parts that are growing back are the same length as the rest of my hair. Except for what's on top. That's still got ways to go but luckily that blends pretty easy.

I guess I never mentioned the I pull primarily from the tops and sides of my head. Like behind my ears. Why? Not sure. Just seem to be the parts that my fingers are drawn too. Something about the hairs there. The coarseness? Not sure.

Anyways, I chickened out in going to the hairdresser. This time. Maybe next time I'll go?

Tonight I'm just tired. I'm just down and tired. I had a dream last night that my horse and I were doing this cross country jumping course. It was so real. It was fun and perfect. In real life, my horse Prince gets a little worse every day. He's 27.5 years old which is like 91 in people years. His arthritis is bad. I can't keep weight on him. Sometimes he looks so sad. I can't ride him anymore. Is that why he's sad? I never get to see him anymore because I don't have anyone to watch Sammy. I miss him. I really miss him. I've had him for 11 years. For so long, he was all I had. Now I have everything but him. I just really miss him.

I'm also down because every fall I really get to missing my cats that disappeared: Tom and Pinky. Tom disappeared three years ago on July 31st. I miss him so much. He was my baby boy. He had feline leukemia, so I had to take care of him. Then one day he was just gone. No sign of him. Pinky disappeared last Novemeber 4th. She was really sick. She always had problems and never seemed quite right. I was calling the vet so I could take her in when she walked away outside and I never found her again. So, I miss them being back at the barn with me. Sometimes, when the wind blows just right, and the sun sets in just the right way, it breaks my heart because they're not with me. They would always help me shut the horses' gates at night. Now, they're not there, and they should be. And I don't know where their bodies lie. I don't have a grave to visit. And I just really miss them.

I'm so grateful for my life and all I've been given. I'm so lucky to have a baby girl as beautiful and sweet and smart as Sammy. But sometimes things just make me really sad. But only on some nights. This is just one of the nights.

Like I said, maybe I'm just tired.
But I'm still pull free. For real. :-)
Until next time.

Posted by Cody on September 10, 2004 7:28 PM


I feel bad for you, it must be terrible living with Trich. I think a lot of it has to do with your parents and your father especially...I think your trich tendencies might lessen a little if you sorted things out with him. Anyways, I have a lot of respect for you and love your journal. I hope everything is ok, and keep writing.

Something you said in the 1st paragraph--- I HAVE to copy and paste it and use in my diary-- hope that's ok--- i think its just so interesting how we both took the same feeling and reaction, and went to 2 different places with it. So weird. go read my diary and I'll explain. your sis

Sweet Cody,I know I'm reading this catching up and that you are probably gone on your trip now (wishing you sun & fun & joy).I just have to say that parenting is a two person job, if the other person is around. Heck I bet there are days your back hurts, when you'd like to lie on the couch and rest and let Sarah play.......he's the Dad, he should get into her life now. Of course she cries, but if he'd tke care of her, she would only cry for a little while. Sounds to me like the old 'men can't understand how to **fill in the blank** so we do it all for them.And while I'm at it, him telling you that he and his buds could take the trip instead of you???? Crap, cruel crap is what that is. He best turn around and appreciate his wife and daughter now before he becomes a statistic. MEN!! (Sorry, but he sounds like my ex!! so I am triggered.....and I really care for you!)Hugs, hugs, hugs, Judy
DATE: 9/5/2004 09:06:10 PM

DATE: 9/12/2004 08:10:13 AM
Hi again!You wrote:Not that I've gotten on the scale yet.I'm waiting for the right moment. Being sneaky. Stealth-like.Perhaps when the scale has fallen asleep, I will jump on it, and surprise it into scaring off a coupla pounds. Yeah, it could happen. :-)You crack me up, and I'm gonna try this too!Congratulations on being pull free for 90 days plus and I hope you are having a great time on your vacation!!!Hugs and Blessings, judy
DATE: 9/8/2004 07:23:51 PM

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