November 03, 2006

days

Today has been one of those days when I look in the mirror and have no idea who i am. Its like i'm stareing at a stranger on the other side. That cant possibly be me i am looking at, but yet it is. How can i be me when i have no idea who me is.

we had a fall back today. i cut both my legs up and one of my arms, nothing real serious cause none of it is very deep or anything, but still *sighs* I wanted to do it lots more, all over the place but i got my mom before it got any worse. I know she doesnt understand it, either one of my parents for that matter. Its not really something I can explain. I mean why do any of us that are cutters really cut? Sure i could think up tons of reasons but is there any real reason for why we do it?
Sometimes I dont understand things. Like how you can be completly pissed off at someone and love them at the same time, or how love can not have any conditions places upon it.

Theres so much new stuff going on around the house and most of it I dont know how to cope with. Most days latley I just sorta retreat into my own world and pretend i cant hear or see anything else. None of the changes are bad or negative ones i just dont know how to deal with change.

my dad made me a new bed. It sits up sorta high and my kids beds sit underneath it now. They have another bed in their room that I sleep in sometimes. I like being down there with them at night time, especially when its really dark out and I get scared.

I stayed up all night on halloween night. I watched a horror movie and then tried to go to bed, yeah right! i kept looking out the window waiting for this giant bird creature thingy to come flying at the window. have you ever noticed that there seems to be more windows when you are terrified of something getting in them? Everytime I tried to close my eyes I'd wake up again and watch the window.

Posted by Heavensdaughter on November 3, 2006 11:31 AM

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Posted by: The Real Me at November 5, 2006 08:44 PM

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