Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
September 06, 2004
sick thinking (suicide)
I'm sitting here panicking about going back to work tomorrow. I should be grateful I have a job. I should be grateful I am healthy enough (at least physically - mentally is debatable at this point!) to go to work. But I'm not. I'm just freaking about not being able to handle it and I'm trying to come up with a way to get out of it.
I hate that suicide is always an option that I consider. No matter what is going on for me, I always rationalize the fact that I always have a way out. I can kill myself. As I'm sitting here, I just heard on the news that a student from NYU killed herself this morning by jumping off a building. And my reaction to hearing this.........I say to myself - she's lucky. That's just sick!! I am such a sick person. I don't deserve to be alive. NYU is right near Donna's office. I could easily go in any of those buildings and go to the top. Everytime I'm in Manhattan, the thought crosses my mind. Everytime I take the train there or back and I step off onto the platform the thought crosses my mind about jumping onto the tracks. Everytime I drive over the bridges to work I think about driving my car off one of them. Will I ever reach a point in my life where these thoughts won't cross my mind?
No need to worry. I always manage to get through. But I'm sick of just managing. I'm just sick of all of this.
Posted by Butterflyteam on September 6, 2004 10:57 PM
