Main » April 2005
April 2, 2005
Today is my birthday. Technically, I am thirty, however, I prefer to say twenty-ten. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it. I wish I was someone who is excited when their birthday comes and likes to celebrate it. A huge part of me just doesn't like anything having to do with my birthday. I guess part of it has to do with not feeling worthy enough to have a day where people would celebrate me being alive for another year. I don't feel important enough. I feel like it doesn't matter to anyone that I'm here. It makes me sad that I'm not one of those people who gets excited about their birthday. I feel like it's another thing that was stolen from me at such a young age. Another thing that was supposed to be good and instead was twisted around into something horrible. I hate the fact that this day always makes me feel so depressed and alone. Why can't I just be happy on a day that is supposed to be "mine"?
April 1, 2005
reiki session leads to awareness of self-love...
I went to a Reiki session yesterday. I explained to Linda (Reiki master) about this far away feeling I was experiencing since the day before. I said that it was like being in a crowded room. I started off the day very present so it was like I was in the front of the room but slowly as the day went on, I moved backwards in my mind (the room) until I was all the way in the back. Linda asked me if it was ok to refer back to this image at different points as we worked to see where I was in the room (in other words, how "far away" I felt). When we started to work and she asked me for the first time, I told her that I wasn't all the way in the back but I was towards the back. She asked me what could be put in the front of the room that would make me want to move forward towards the front? (An interesting question that I never thought of!) I had to sit with that thought for a minute. I couldn't think of something specific so I ended up saying that it would have to be something that would make me feel happy. She then asked me to describe what me being happy looked like. This was hard at first because it's such a foreign concept to me, but then things started to come to mind. I said that I would feel this "lightness", not so weighted down by pain, fear, sadness. There would be this ease because I wouldn't have to be on guard waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would feel present, in the moment, simply enjoying the situation and feeling confident and worthy. Of course Linda's next question was what did I think would get me to that? A thought immediately popped into my head but I was hesitant to say it. I told her that I thought I had an answer but I didn't want it to be my answer. I explained that I wasn't sure if it had to do with my birthday and the fact that I am turning 30 and that thoughts of "I'm running out of time" keep entering my head. I ended up saying that the answer that first popped into my head of the thing that would make me happy was to be in a meaningful relationship with someone. I said I was confused by this because I KNOW someone else can't rescue me and I don't want to fall into the society trap of this is what you do in life - get married, have kids. Some parts of me want that and some parts don't. But if I do it, I want it to be because I want it, not because "that's what everyone does." I told Linda that I think that "wanting someone else" thing has more to do with the young, needy parts. That I always desperately needed and wanted (and still do) to feel loved, and taken care of, and important to someone. But I also know that I can't have a meaningful relationship with someone else until I have one with myself. THEN IT HIT ME! What if the "relationship with someone" that I thought I think might get me to feel the happiness that would bring me to the front of the room (more present)......is a relationship with myself??!!
So we ended up on the issue of self-love. I told her that even just the words "self-love" make me cringe. To me self-love = selfish. And since I'm "not allowed" to be selfish, then I can't love myself. I know it's really not true and it's what I was taught but it is a belief that is so deeply ingrained in me that just the thought of digging it up and trying to get rid of it feels like such a daunting task. However, I also know it is a necessary one. So, Linda then asked me to think back and picture myself at the age when I still had self-love (since it is something we are all born with). This was hard. For a while, I couldn't picture myself at any age. I then sensed myself at a very young age. We talked about it for a few minutes and I ended up with the age of about one year. She asked me to describe what I saw. I said it was just an innocent, genuinely happy toddler. She asked me to talk about this a little more but I told her that I kept seeing myself at three years old looking absolutely miserable and distraught. All of a sudden all these feelings start overwhelming me. What was that "first time" between the ages of one and three that changed me? And it all just hit me how very young I was when all the hurt began. What was also overwhelming me was that I have a three year old alter but in my image it was ME, not my alter, Kristy. It happened to ME. It was ME who was so distraught and miserable looking. Linda asked me to hold the three year old me. I did. She asked me what the three year old needed right now. I said that she's so withdrawn that she won't speak but she's apparently willing to let me hold her and comfort her. So I sat with that image for a while and then I noticed what was really happening. I looked at the three year old me and noticed that she wasn't letting me hold her because she wanted to be comforted. It was more of a succumbing to whatever someone else wanted. She looked emotionally dead inside. So lifeless. Like she had been defeated and was giving up. That she had no control over what someone else wanted to do with her or to her that it wasn't even worth fighting for what she wanted.
And this is where I sit - in the overwhelming sadness at the thought of me at three years old. Already not loving myself anymore and becoming emotionally dead inside in order to simply survive.