Main » October 2005
October 29, 2005
one week left...
Next Sunday is the marathon. I'm not sure how i'm feeling about it. There are a lot of mixed emotions but two big ones are excitement and fear. I'm excited to experience it but I'm so scared as well. I keep thinking... What if I didn't prepare enough? What if I can't finish? What if I'm just a big fool thinking I could actually accomplish this?
At the moment I hate my family. They are all being so annoying with trying to figure out if and where they will come see me run next week. It's all such a big hassle to them and I don't feel like they're doing it because they really want to. They aren't excited at all. I really don't want any of them to come now. And I refuse to talk to them anymore about it.
I don't know why I thought someone might care and want to come see me. It would be really nice and helpful to see people there who support me and are excited for me - not people who are bothered by doing something for me. But I only have those people in my life. I don't have anyone who can come who would be there for truly the right reasons. I know I've said before that this is for me and I'm not doing it for anyone else but it still really hurts because I would really like, just for once in my life, for someone to be there for me. No one wants to come meet me when I finish. If anyone is coming, they are going to the halfway point which is the easiest spot to get to. No one wants to deal with the hassle of coming into Manhaatan. I have no idea if I'm even going to be able to walk on my own when I finish and I'm really scared about it. But no one cares. It's been the story of my life so why should it really matter now?
Other than the countdown to the marathon, I've been dealing with the month of October which is always difficult for me. The worst is Monday - Halloween. I'll just leave it at that. I can't really write about it.
October 08, 2005
This morning I became one with mother nature. Things did not go how I had hoped at all, however I am just a little proud of myself for the way I am handling it. There was a long run planned for this morning in Central Park - 18 miles. It was to be my last and longest run before the marathon which is in 4 weeks. It was crucial that I was able to do this. Earlier in the week, I had a cold and was so afraid I wasn't going to feel well enough to run. But I was feeling better by last night and made the decision to go because it was just too important. Well, mother nature was not in the mood to cooperate this morning. It has been a constant downpour of rain since last night. When I got up at 4:00am to go, it was raining, but I decidied to go anyway with the hope that maybe it would be ok when I got there. No such luck. From the second we started running it was just constant heavy rain and wind. Within a few minutes my feet were soaked. This was the main problem. Running in the rain isn't so bad, but when your socks and shoes are drenched, it doesn't take long before blisters start to form. So....I needed to make a decision. I knew I was never going to be able to do the whole 18 miles. I mean, 18 miles in perfect running weather is no piece of cake, but to do it in this downpour was asking a lot. So I had to decide whether or not to push myself and go a little more and chance getting really bad blisters that could keep me from running for several days or do I stop after 5 miles and reschedule my long run (which will be more difficult because I will have to do it on my own, not as a part of an organized run). Well, I decided to take care of myself and stop after 5 miles. Now, this is where the progress I have made comes in. Normally, I would be beating myself up that I was weak or a wimp for not toughing it out. And believe me those thoughts did enter my mind form time to time. But for the moment, I'm choosing to go with the fact that I made the right decision and that it's not my fault that I couldn't finish - that it really had to do with circumstances beyond my control. I've been thinking about this since I got home and I'm really surprised at how well I'm handling this setback. It was kind of a waste to get up so early and go all the way there but I know I would have felt worse if I didn't at least try. There were 2,500 runners scheduled to run today and only about 200 had the determination to show up. And I was one of them. I gave it my all and there were circumstances beyond my control that kept me from reaching my goal. So...I will now need to try again. I have a plan to attempt an 18 mile run Monday morning. We'll see how it goes. I just can't help but be a little proud of myself for not beating myself up. I keep hearing Donna's voice in my head that I have a choice to be mean to myself or to accept the reality of the situation. I am feeling a little disappointed for not accomplishing something I really wanted to today and there is a little fear that I'm not going to be able to do it on Monday but mixed in with that is some acceptance of the reality of the situation. That's progress for me. :-)