Main » January 2007
January 17, 2007
that pretty much says it all.
i woke up this morning with nothing but feelings of wanting to disappear.....or in other words...die. i feel hopeless about ever getting better from these eating diorders and escaping the battle going on in my head. the eating disorder voices are screaming at me and i can't get away from them. i drove to work trying to find a way to disappear. if i just kept on driving would i eventually drive off the face of the earth? i didn't know where to go or what to do so i somehow ended up at work. i saw judi after work. i went in there completely hopeless. but after an intense hour and fifteen minutes, i ended up leaving feeling slightly different. i wasn't thrilled to be alive but at least i didn't feel like i needed to die....at least not right away. i felt the tiniest bit of hope that maybe i could fight this. judi can be pretty convincing at times that it is very possible to not only fight this battle against the eating disorders but to actually be able to win the battle. we talked a little about what a goal of mine could be and how we can begin to work on it. i felt that it was ok enough to try.
now.....a few hours later, i've screwed up again with behaviors and i feel like a failure again and i feel hopeless. i can hear judi's voice in my head right now telling me that it's the ED telling me all this trying to take my tiny bit of hope away. we've been reading the book Life Without Ed because judi wants me to learn how to separate the ED voice from my voice. but i can't seem to do that yet.
feeling hopeless sucks. i suck. i hate myself.
January 16, 2007
not really sure what's been going on. feeling out of control with a lot of things. completely screwed up the last few days. eating disorder has been bad. was in the emergency room for 5 hours with an iv. have had a massive headache ever since. only lasted two hours at work today and had to come home. feeling hopeless about a lot of things.
January 13, 2007
I FUCKING HATE THE FACT THAT MY ABILITY TO TRUST WAS STOLEN FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I FUCKING HATE THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO WORK SO FUCKING HARD TO LEARN HOW TO TRUST AGAIN --- LIKE WHEN IS IT OK TO TRUST AND WHEN IS IT NOT SAFE TO TRUST AND IF SOMEONE I DID TRUST MAKES A MISTAKE HOW DO I NOT REVERT BACK TO MY DEFENSES OF A LITTLE CHILD AND IMMEDIATELY NOT TRUST THEM ANYMORE. I HATE MY FUCKING ABUSERS FOR TAKING THIS AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's so hard :-( :-( :-( :-(
January 10, 2007
Inside the Cocoon of My Eating Disorder
This morning I got up and as usual, felt myself wrapped up in the eating disorder mindset. I weighed myself and quickly got caught up in the obsessive thoughts – what should I eat, what shouldn’t I eat, if I keep doing things this way I’ll weigh such and such by this day and then this much by that day and so on and so on. After a few minutes my obsessive calculations were rudely interrupted by a passing thought of the day ahead of me. Thoughts such as having to leave the house soon and go to work and having to see Donna later in the day started to take over. I started to feel very anxious.
And then……out of nowhere………I felt this sudden “snap” and I was quickly jerked right back inside the eating disorder and everything instantly felt better. I felt surrounded by this safe cocoon where nothing from the outside could get in – no feelings, no thoughts, no people. And it was all mine, no one could take this away from me. I felt so incredibly safe.
I have been aware for quite some time now about how the eating disorder helps me avoid what I don’t want to feel and helps me escape into a world where I have control, but I have never felt it in such a physical way before. When I realized I was being overcome by feelings I didn’t want to feel, I literally felt myself be pulled back inside the safety of my eating disorder cocoon and it felt so safe and so good.
January 4, 2007
don't really care about much right now.......
January 1, 2007
disconnected.....sortof. been feeling a lot of anger. most of it is directed at donna even though i know it isn't really about her. it's just safer to direct it towards her. there's a lot of anguish going on in my head right now between old feelings and wanting to react the "old way" vs. a more healthier "knowing" that i've learned in my recovery journey. i feel like the anger is making me want to say screw what i've learned - let me just act in my old ways. i want to throw a tantrum and not see donna next monday because "she's just going to leave me again later in the week when she goes away yet again." but who is that really hurting.....me, i guess. i can't stand the war in my head anymore.
i've been emailing judi (my nutrtionist) who wants me to write about what my life would be like without my eating disorders and i have no idea how to even begin to answer that. i want to say screw it and hold onto the only coping mechanism i know even if it is killing me.
i'm too tired to think anymore tonight. i have to go back to work tomorrow. i'm not having my usual transition back to work freak out that i usually do at the end of a vacation. i think that's because i'm a bit disconnected. also because i've taken a bunch of cold medication that i think has numbed me out. i feel another cold coming on and i'm trying to fight it off. i can't get sick again. i've had a cold and/or sinus infection on and off for the past two months. i can't take it anymore.
i'm going to bed. i'm exhausted. why do i never end a vacation feeling rested and refreshed?