Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
April 27, 2006
leaving donna's.....
even though i'm exhausted beyond words, i had a good session with donna tonight. we talked about my essay for my application to fordham. donna helped me a little because i'm really struggling with writing an essay full of things that are supposed to make me sound good. i'm just not comfotable writing about myself in a such a "bragging" way. donna helped by giving me some suggestions so now i have to attempt to write some sort of rough draft this weekend. i am NOT looking forward to it.
we also talked a lot about my family, my parents in particular. this is usually a subject i like to avoid but i did ok with it tonight. besides the exhaustion, i had some relief from the fear and anxiety i've been feeling lately and i felt pretty grounded and present for the whole 2 hours that i was with donna.
however afterwards, when i stepped outside, i felt like i was suddenly hit with a huge, overwhelming sense of loneliness. i know it's hard for all of us to leave donna's for several reasons. we feel safe there. whenever we leave, i think it resembles those times in my childhood when i was sent off to be with those who abused me. i know that i'm not being sent out into anything harmful now, but it's that strong connection to the feelings of being safe at one moment and then it being gone. i also know the feeling of connection to donna is very important so when i was suddenly by myself when i left her office, i felt so lonely and vulnerable. it was a beautiful, warm night; still plenty of light at 7:30pm. i walked the 30 minutes back to the train station. it was really nice, but i felt so alone.
i really long for the day when i can carry those feelings safety with me. i also long for the day when i am okay with being by myself because i feel like i am enough. that all i need comes from within me, not from external people, places and things. will that day ever come???
Posted by Butterflyteam on April 27, 2006 06:47 PM
