Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

August 28, 2004

disconnected......

I had such a good stretch through most of the summer where I was really connecting with everyone inside. We worked on projects to help us know each other better and to heal our pain and sadness. I spent a lot of time feeling focused and dare I say....hopeful. Could it really be that we are healing?!?! Could there really be an end in sight to the despair and terror and heart wrenching pain? For brief seconds at a time, I thought so. But just like anything else, it was too good to be true.

In these last few weeks of the summer, new memories have begun to surface. Memories that carry a whole new kind of pain. Two new alters have surfaced in the last two weeks. Do new alters ever stop surfacing??? I was just getting used to knowing everyone inside and we were starting to work together really well. Now, this throws things off a bit. Poor little Abby, who is generally happy go lucky, was so terribly sad the other day. She told Donna that everyone is so sad inside - that no one wants to play. We have all been thrown off a course that we were just getting used to being on. I guess that's lesson #1 as a multiple - never get too comfortable with anything - most likely it won't last!

I was managing the first week or so that all this new stuff started to surface. There was a lot of panic and confusion but I was in touch with Donna through email in between our sessions and that was getting me through. As long as I had that connection, it offered me a little bit of comfort.

The past few days........I don't know what happened! Donna is still available through email and I had a session with her last Thursday, but......I don't know. I don't seem to have any words. I feel completely disconnected to everyone and everything. Sometimes being disconnected gives me a break; some very needed down time. But not now. Now, I desperately want to be connected. I NEED to be connected. But it's not happening. Being disconnected is not helping me at all right now. But I don't know how to change it. I feel terribly unsafe without a connection.

Posted by Butterflyteam on August 28, 2004 6:44 PM