Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
October 24, 2004
i'm such a selfish, horrible person
I am such a horrible person. I just read about the young woman who had a diary here who passed away. She was the same age as me and probably would have given anything to stay alive. And I'm sitting here wanting to give anything to just die. Why did she die and I'm still here? I hate myself and feel so guilty for wanting to die. I wish I didn't want to die, but I do. I want so badly to take her place. I want to give her back to her family. No one would care if I wasn't here anymore. I feel so selfish for sitting here wanting to die when this young woman would probably give anything to still be here. I hate myself and the way I think and feel. I feel so trapped in a cage of unending depression, unbearable pain and sadness, excruciating lonliness, fear and heart ache. A cage that has no door. Therefore there is absolutely no way out. I feel like there will never be a way out. I am in this cage and I will remain in it until I die. If you were trapped in a cage like this and knew there was no way out until you just died, wouldn't you want to die too?
Posted by Butterflyteam on October 24, 2004 9:38 PM
Hi Butterflyteam,
I came across your website while looking up info on people with DID. I recently met someone who I think may have it. I just read your last post and wanted to say hello.
I know how you feel about hating yourself and wanting to die. I'm sorry that you feel that way, and I hope that you can find peace someday. I don't have any magic words to help you, I just wanted you to know that people like us, people who are very sensitive and feel deeply are needed in this world. You may think no one would care if you weren't here, but that is not so. I'm sure you've touched many people throughout your life. You have touched me with what you've written ~ I identify with it and it's a comfort to know there are others with the same feelings I have had.
Good luck on your journey.
Posted by: Broken_Wing at September 24, 2005 2:18 AM
Thank you for your kind words.
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