Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

April 18, 2006

committed to myself 100% ???

today has been a weird day. it didn't start off well at all - a continuation from last night. i was not feeling "right" during my session with donna yesterday and then in the group afterwards. i'm not sure i can describe what not feeling "right" even means. i think sam was close by during my session. i couldn't sit still and i felt an urgency to just rip myself apart. i think sam even pulled some of my hair out. i'm not sure. i just wasn't very present, felt very unsettled, felt suicidal, and couldn't get focused or grounded. the group was difficult because i had a severe headache and felt terrified. i remember most of the group even though i was very dissociated through most of it but i don't remember leaving the group. i always walk out with donna afterwards and we walk up to the corner together but i can't remember doing that at all. and then the next thing i remember is getting home but it was much later than i usually get home so i don't know where i was or what i was doing for quite some time last night. that scares me.

when i woke up this morning, i was not doing well at all. i felt very suicidal. it's been very unsettling having chloe, cloud girl, and possibly rachel and stephanie so close by lately. they make functioning very difficult. i was so distraught this morning when they were close by. but things started to shift as the day went on. i watched starting over and found myself relating a lot to jodi. iyanla has been working with her on committing to herself. i found myself reflecting on how committed i was to myself. i'm very good with my commitments to others and my job and my responsibilities but when it comes to myself there seems to be lots of inconsistency. it's very similar to jodi and it's been enlightening to watch her journey. I've done some thinking about the commitment i have to myself. i've noticed that when there is something i want to do for myself or it's something to do with self-care or to move my life forward, i don't always follow through with the commitment. but there have been times recently that i'm getting better with that. the training and running of the marathon was something i committed to for myself and followed through on. that has been a huge step for me. my healing is something i am staying committed to, although there are many times i want to give up, i don't. i guess the other things i've noticed are the things that will really move me forward in my life, the BIGGER committments so to speak, that i have yet to fully commit myself to 100%. see, that's the thing. it's the 100% thing. like jodi, i do some things some of the time but not always. that's what has to change. the self-care stuff has to be 100% - food, exercise, no self-harm. actually, i'm not even sure there should be categories. it should just be - i am committed to MYSELF 100% of the time no matter what it is.

i took a step this morning and made an appointment for tomorrow at stonybrook university to speak with someone about their graduate program in social work. i've been feeling such a strong pull lately to get started with that. i've been talking about it for so long now. i found some paper work from my application to fordam the last time i felt this urge and i couldn't believe it was from 2004. i can't believe two years have gone by since i was seriously looking into it. i think i was just starting the application process and then the first memories of the ritual abuse started and i didn't go any further with it. i'm certain that was a wise decision, i just can't believe it's been almost two years already.

i am quite aware of the fear that this is bringing up. why does committing to myself bring up feelings of terror? ugh!!! i have a lot of anxiety about just meeting this woman tomorrow which makes no sense at all. it's just a meeting to get information about the program - it's not like i'm applying or even starting tomorrow! why am i so scared? how do i stay committed to myself when the feeling of terror gets so strong and makes me want to run the other way?

Posted by Butterflyteam on April 18, 2006 7:26 PM

Posted by: The Real Me at April 19, 2006 7:46 PM