Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
June 07, 2006
no marathon leads to panic.....
i found out today that i didn't get into the marathon. (getting in is based on being picked randomly from a lottery.) even though i wasn't really sure i wanted to do the marathon again this year, now that i know it's definitely not an option, i'm kind of disappointed. finding out that i didn't get in has also started a huge panic. i'm feeling so scared right now. i think in the back of my mind i was hoping for something i could focus on. training for the marathon last year was very helpful for me. i learned how to take care of myself in ways i never did before. i haven't been very successful in keeping that up since the marathon ended. i know it is probably for the best because i will most likely start graduate school again in the fall so i really won't have the time to train like i did last year, but i still feel like i could have made it work somehow. i know that i can still train for other races and i can still take care of myself in the same ways i did last year regardless of being in a marathon or not but i think i don't trust myself enough to follow through on taking care of myself without the goal of something like the marathon. i don't think i care enough to take care of myself simply because i deserve it. i don't believe i deserve it so i continually make excuses not to do it. with the marathon, i had to put those excuses aside or i rationalized that i was taking care of myself all for the sake of being able to run the marathon, not because i was worthy of really taking care of myself. i feel so much panic right now. it's a "feeling trapped" feeling. like now i don't have another option to help me get back on track with taking care of myself - even though i know rationally that i do have other options; that it doesn't just depend on being in a marathon. but i don't feel like i have any other options. i HATE this trapped, panic feeling.
Posted by Butterflyteam on June 7, 2006 06:34 PM
You know, you have come so far since the last marathon- being able to feel your feelings, being able to place anger where it belongs,
etc. Maybe focusing on smaller races will help you the same way the marathon did before, just because you have grown so much and maybe, just maybe, you don't need as much of a motivation to take care of yourself as before. Just a thought. The Real Me
Posted by: The Real Me at June 7, 2006 09:02 PM
