Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
June 18, 2006
visiting relatives and feeling triggered....
i have relatives visiting from out of state. they will be here for about 3 weeks. i'm not really sure what i expected to be feeling but i didn't really anticipate being as triggered by it as much as i have been. one of the relatives is my cousin. it was her ex-husband that was one of my abusers from the time i was 3 until at least 10. he was the one who always brought me to the cult. it's hard seeing her because when i do, all i can think about is him. it brings me back to a very scary place that i don't want to go back to. we all went out to dinner with them last night and when i was around her, i couldn't help but feel like a scared child. we went to a resturant pretty far away so i was in a car with her for quite a while. i should have planned ahead and gone in a different car but i didn't. different parts inside are reacting very differently and it's confusing me. some are so scared to be around her and others want to be around her. i'm not sure how i feel. i talked about feeling nervous about her visit yesterday in the trauma group. holly's suggestion was to think ahead and make a plan. i know that's what i should have done last night and what i should do today since we will all be at my sister's house for father's day. and it's what i should do for the rest of her visit. but.....i feel conflicting things going on inside of me and there is a part that is being drawn to her and wanting to spend time with her. i'm just very confused about how i'm feeling and how i should go about handling it all. i'm just kind of going along with whatever happens but i do know that that may backfire and i may end up very triggered. it already happened last night. you would think i would make a different plan today but i'm not. i'm kind of in a dissociated frame of mind and just showing up and i feel like i need to let whatever is going to happen, happen and i'll clean up the mess afterwards.
well, i'm off to go spend the day with my dysfunctional family. i am aware that i have choices and do not have to put myself in the middle of their crap. for this moment, i'm choosing to. i'm not sure why. maybe because i don't feel like i'm in control. i have these awarenesses in my head but i feel like someone else is in control of my actions. perhaps an alter. don't know. we'll see, i guess.
Posted by Butterflyteam on June 18, 2006 09:42 AM
You DO have control; you just have to take it. Plan, plan, plan. Don't just let things happen. Make plan A and if that doesn't work, have plans B, C, and, if necessary, D, to fall back on. This is too important because you're around all these triggers. Be safe, please. The Real Me
Posted by: The Real Me at June 19, 2006 11:30 AM
