July 25, 2006
walls closing in around me......
i haven't been feeling so great lately. it's been a slow decline as the summer has gone on. there have been a LOT of feelings, triggers, memories and i can't seem to get a hold on any of it. i feel like so much is coming at me so fast and i can't make sense of any of it or sort any of it out. i often feel at a loss for words and just simply overwhelmed by feelings. i feel like the walls are closing in around me and it's getting harder and harder to breathe. i feel like i can't make heads or tails out of some things and i'm just left standing all alone not knowing what to do. i'm scared. i feel myself resorting to old ways of thinking and old patterns of behavior. sometimes i just wish there was someone here with me to comfort me. it's been hard when i haven't been able to verbalize what i'm feeling. i have words to describe some things but deep down i know that there's much more to it. there's a place that's really causing the anguish that i can't access and i can't figure out what it is and i often don't have words to even try to get to it. when i don't have words, i get frustrated. sometimes i just wish there was someone who would understand that i can't verbalize it and would just be there to comfort me - hold me. donna used to be able to do that for me. i'm feeling very alone and like a reject - so unworthy of love or comfort or anything good. i've been in such a "feeling" place that my rational mind has taken a back seat - very far in the back. i know somewhere in my head there is a small piece of me that knows there might be some good things about me but because the feelings are taking up so much space, i am not able to acces that small piece of rational mind. so when i try to explain that i'm feeling like i'm a piece of crap and someone tells me that i'm really not and tries to get me to see that, i only get more frustrated. i cannot reach any rational part of myself right now. instead, i'm drowning in feelings that are all mixed up and appear to be too overhwleming to try to sort through. the walls are closing in - tighter and tighter. i can't breathe.
Posted by Butterflyteam on July 25, 2006 8:28 PM
I'm sorry it's so hard. And overwhelming. Kind of like drowning, isn't it? Can't see anything but the waves and the water. No foothold. But, these feelings are coming up for a reason and they'll take you where you need to go, awful as they are, they have a purpose. I wish I could sit with you and be a comfort. I would if I could. Hang in there. You survived the abuse, you can survive the fallout, even if it doesn't seem possible. You'll get through this, too.
Posted by: The Real Me at July 26, 2006 8:39 PM