Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
July 03, 2006
wanting to "go away" and not being able to...
feeling anxious right now. very uncomfortable with the fact that i ate dinner and didn't purge. i walked for a while after dinner and it helped the anxiety a little but i still wish i could go back to the restaurant and choose to purge after eating instead of being too concerned what the others would have thought if i got up right after i ate and went to the bathroom. i also didn't want to risk screwing up my eye again since it finally looks better today.
i'm also very dissociative tonight. i don't feel grounded. i remembered some new things when i was with donna tonight. now, i can't shake this nagging feeling - like something is hanging around very close to me - sort of like haunting me. i feel the need to "go away". however, that's not as easy as it used to be. now that i am experiencing (remembering and feeling) more of the things that happened to me, the less my alters have been around. I know this is the direction i need and want to go in, however, it's not easy. i realized that tonight as i was walking in the city back to the train station. i was desperately wanting to "go away" and there was no one close by to take over. i know they are still there. i can feel them close by. they still take over from time to time. but the amount of times that i actually switch completely has significantly declined. i have a lot of mixed feelings about this. but don't i have enough to feel? why does this have to be added on? i'm on overload and feel like i'm going to blow a gasket sometime soon.
a major feeling that has been so intense lately is panic/abandonment/separation anxiety. i've been experiencing intense periods of panic when i'm leaving donna or another situation/person that i've deemed "safe". it's such a young place that i go to and it seems so intense that i can barely hold onto the fact that i will get through the situation still alive. i really need to do something about this separation anxiety that i'm feeling after leaving donna. it's so bad right now. i remember being like this a long time ago but it got better. why is it back and why is it so intense? i feel like i'm doing something wrong because i feel like i'm going backwards.
Posted by Butterflyteam on July 3, 2006 09:06 PM
You're not doing anything wrong. You are close to facing something very awful and important, is my guess. And, I know how terrible that feels. I'm sorry it's so hard. I'm glad your eye is getting better. I was really worried. I'm glad you didn't purge after eating. The temporary benefit, I think, isn't worth the slavery to the compulsion.
I care about what happens to you. Be safe. The Real Me
Posted by: The Real Me at July 4, 2006 11:27 AM
