Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

August 02, 2006

today's appointment....

hmmm.... where to start? i'm not sure. i'm not sure if i know exactly how i feel about how it went. i had a very bad panic attack sitting in the parking lot right before i went in. but somehow i made it in the building. she was nice. she definitely had a thorough understanding of eating disorders, which is why i went to her in the first place. i'm sure all nutritionists have some understanding but i searched for one that i knew would really understand what it is like inside my eating disordered head. i found it fairly easy to talk to her and i felt heard and understood. she kept saying over and over how amazed she was at how much awareness i had and how well i was able to articulate and express my awareness and feelings. i feel so desperate for help right now that i just didn't hold back. so....what didn't feel right? nothing really. i guess i just had an expectation based on my previous experiences with nutritionists. but i suppose it could be a good thing that this was a little different because it's obvious the other experiences didn't work for me so maybe this will. i was expecting to tell her my history, get weighed and discuss a food plan. well, we spent the whole hour just talking. she didn't weigh me, in fact i didn't even see a scale in the room. (and this is after i've eaten very little for the past few days in anticipation of being weighed!). and we didn't make a food plan. she sensed that i changed a little by the end of the appointment and i was able to tell her that i was anxious to get started on eating right/healthy. she really listened to me and said she understood where i was coming from. she wants me to keep a food journal for the next week. i explained to her how uncomfortable i was with that. she listened to my concerns and we talked about how i could do it so i would be more comfortable. she wants me to try doing it a little differently than usual food journals are kept. she also said it was absolutely fine to come in next week with it blank - that it's really just for me to get more awareness. she was impressed that i was aware of why i didn't like doing it - that what i eat is part of the "secrecy" of eating disorders and it's hard for me to talk about what i eat with anyone else (she said i didn't have to show her the journal if i didn't want to) and also that i felt that i shouldn't eat because i'm not worthy of it, therefore to keep an actual record of my food is too much focus on me giving myself something when i don't feel worthy. she was surprised that i was so in touch with the fact that i was aware of these reasons behind (especially the unworthiness one) not wanting to keep the journal. i also talked a lot about the control/giving up control part of it all. when i was really uneasy towards the end i sort of came to the realization (which i was able to verbalize to her) that i was just uncomfortable because this seemed to be different than what i was used to but i'm going to just try to let go and trust that this is how it has to be done. i'm scared but i also know that my way has not worked. so wanting to leave with a food plan and knowing my weight and what was expected of me in terms of a weight loss for next week - that was all MY way. MY WAY DOES NOT WORK. that is why i went there in the first place. so just because i'm uncomfortable doesn't mean it's not good. in fact, she spent a little time talking about how comfortable i have been with my eating disorder even though i am fed up with the thougths in my head. i agree with her. even if a situation is not always good for you, there is a possibility to become very comfortable in it. she explained that it's going to be quite a challenge to do different things because it will all feel uncomfortable. it makes sense. i talked about how i know i have the awareness but can't seem to change my ways. she said that she will help me with ways to gradually change my disordered behaviors.

i guess it turned out well. i'm just feeling uneasy because i feel my comfort zone being rattled a little. that's a bit frightening to me.

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