Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

November 5, 2006

marathon....one year later

today is the new york city marathon. i'm feeling really sad sitting here watching it on tv. i want more than anything to be there running. i didn't get in this year. because it's such a popular marathon, you are picked randomly through a lottery. i know it's probably a good thing that i wasn't picked. it would have been very difficult to train this year because i started graduate school. even though i know it would have been an even bigger struggle to run this year than last year, i still feel sad and miss it. last year at this time, we were getting ready and lining up on the verrazano bridge. i had no idea what to expect ahead of me because it was my first time running a marathon. but somehow i made it and it was a wonderful experience.

other than sadness, not running this year has brought up some other feelings. one day this past week when i saw a commercial for the marathon i felt sad and then i was suddenly hit with an overwhelming sense of felling like a failure. i had to stop and think about that. why do i feel like a failure for not running this year? i can understand the sadness because of just missing being a part of the excitement, but failure? i did run it last year. isn't that suppossed to make me feel successful? but i'm not running THIS year. as i sorted through what i was feeling i realized i couldn't escape that failure feeling. i feel like i need to constantly prove myself. prove that i am worthy of being alive, of taking up space on this planet. by not running the marathon this year, i'm not doing enough to prove that i'm worthy of bring alive. i feel like a failure.

i don't think i'm even going to be able to watch the whole thing on tv. it's really, really hard to watch and not be a part of it.

it's 10:10am - the start cannon just went off. :-(

Posted by Butterflyteam on November 5, 2006 6:40 AM

Posted by: The Real Me at November 5, 2006 8:49 PM