July 22, 2007
behaviors with food reflecting my emotions....
what should i write about?...........i don't feel like saying much at all. i'm in a not so great emotional space lately. judi always says that my food will reflect my feelings so whenever my food is "off" (whether it's restricting or binging and purging) it would be helpful to look at what's going on emotionally. i know that she's right. my food and ED behaviors and thinking have been way off the past week. so i need to look at what's going on. i guess it could be a number of things - 1)my cousins visiting which is bringing up memories and feelings, 2)anxiety of finishing up my summer job this week and then having an entire month off - not having structure scares me, 3)waiting for results from the doctor to see what i need to do next in terms of my eating, 4)major anxiety about my schedule in the fall which includes an internship that i'm nervous about (i got paperwork from school in the mail yesterday with a calendar of dates for when things start and end and it all freaked me out in a major way which i guess is why i binged and purged non-stop yesterday). and true to my addictive personality - i want a quick fix to all of this and i want it fixed NOW. i want to know exactly what i need to do to lessen the anxiety and just "FIX" it all. i don't want to sit with any uncomfortable feelings. i don't want to let things play themselves out. it's also that control factor. i need control of it all. i need to be in charge and just fix everything. i don't want to sit with the feelings of anxiety. i need to know what the outcome is for everything. i hate sitting in uncomfortable, anxious feelings. it's too similar to my abuse. i know that's what the ED does for me. it takes me out of those feelings temporarily and makes me feel like i have some control over the situation - something that never happened when i was being abused. i know if i could find a way to make peace with those feelings i wouldn't need to turn to the ED. but how? how do i make peace with the anxious feelings that are so uncomfortable and let go of needing to control how i'm feeling? i feel like the feelings are so powerful that they will be all consuming and just take me over........just like the abuse did.
Posted by Butterflyteam on July 22, 2007 7:33 PM
I'm dealing with some similar emotions. Thanks for sharing; you have helped clarify some things for me for myself.
Posted by: The Real Me at July 23, 2007 7:57 PM