July 23, 2007
don't need anything.......
i've spent most of my life believing that i was not allowed to need anything - that i shouldn't need anything. i had pretty much accepted that. it made sense to me because that was all i ever knew. then i started to do some healing work and slowly let in a select few people who i trusted. i listened to some of them who said it's normal to need things - it's not wrong to need things - all people need things.......and not only is it ok to need things, but get this......it's ok to ASK for what you need. this was so foreign to me. i could NEVER ask for what i need. it just felt SO wrong. but i continued to do some healing and eventually i was able to voice a need here or there. the sky didn't come crumbling down so maybe, just maybe, it WAS ok to ask for what you need.
well........tonight i decided that it's just so much safer when you pretend you don't need anything. that way, you won't put yourself out there in a vulnerable place just to get hurt.....even by people you trust.
i can't stand to feel the hurt anymore. i just can't. i don't know what to do with it. sometimes this kind of hurt hurts more than the abuse because being hurt by my abusers was expected. i never expected to feel this hurt associated with people i finally trusted.
i was doing so well with my healing. i was making a lot of changes in my life and moving forward....slowly. i just needed some security in place to keep moving forward.........but somehow, my security blanket has been ripped out from under my feet and i have landed flat on my fat ass and now i can't get up. the only good thing about today is that i only ate some cheerios this morning so maybe my fat ass will get a little smaller.
Posted by Butterflyteam on July 23, 2007 7:34 PM
To learn to trust is difficult. When the trust is betrayed in some way, it can be devastating. Nevertheless, I would urge you to take tiny risks. Sure, you'll be hurt some of the time, but you may also be rewarded some of the time. It's a balance, I guess. But, I understand about how difficult it is to ask. I really do.
Posted by: The Real Me at July 24, 2007 7:55 PM