July 31, 2007
trouble sleeping......a lot on my mind
it's after 2:30am. can't sleep at all. it used to be like this all the time but i haven't had trouble sleeping like this in a long time. it's very.........frustrating. why can't i sleep?
i'm wondering if it has anything to do with my appt. with donna this thursday. for years i was seeing donna twice a week for long appointments - plenty of time to really get into stuff and work on things. the past few months i've pretty much only been going for one hour a week. i thought i convinced myself that i was doing ok with that. i think in some ways i was but in other ways i wasn't. i do think i've reached a point that i may not need as many of those longer appointments as i used to, however, what i've come to realize is that i'm shutting down between appointments and it's making the one hour once a week appointments not very useful because it's so hard to take the wall down that i have put up throughout the week. i'm not sure if there's some solution but i do know that it's not working so great right now. so.....i made this second appt. for thursday this week but i think i'm a little scared. i think i'm a little scared to open "pandora's box". it's pretty much stayed closed for quite some time now and i'm nervous about it opening again. however......... i think i need to.
when i was laying in bed before TRYING to sleep, i was looking at floppy - the stuffed animal rabbit that i've had since i'm three years old. i felt kristy close by. since my cousins have been visiting i've been remembering things that happened, a lot from when i was three. i started to feel some things when i was laying there looking at floppy. i started to feel so scared just looking at it. it brought me right back to when i was three. i'm wondering if i should maybe bring floppy with me thursday. it might help me and kristy talk about some of the things we are remembering.
i see judi tomorrow. my last two appointments with her haven't gone so well because i was totally back into my ED mindset. i'm not sure where my head is at right now with it all. most of my head is consumed by the ED voice but there is a part of me that wants to go into her tomorrow and say - look, i feel like i can't find my healthy voice anywhere so until i can find mine, i will listen to yours - tell me what to do to succeed at this and i'll do it. this small part of me feels like that part of AA when you need to surrender completely to the addiction and your way of doing things and just listen to your sponser and the program. i feel like i want to go into judi with my hands up tomorrow and say that i surrender....i can't do it this way anymore. but of course i feel the weight of the vicious ED voice pulling me back. i don't know what will happen tomorrow. i just know i'm so tired of the eating disorder struggle.
Posted by Butterflyteam on July 31, 2007 11:29 PM
just wanted to say im listeninig. hope its ok reading here. glad your appointment went better with judi.we think you are really brave.
Posted by: irini at August 2, 2007 9:38 PM