August 12, 2007
lots of emotions...
the last few weeks have been........unusual. i'm just not used to having all this time on my hands and it's just been a roller coaster of emotions. there have been plenty of times that it may have been helpful to stop and write about what i was feeling in the moment.......but for whatever reason, i didn't. now that i'm sitting here.....sort of removed from the emotions....it's hard to write about them. when i went to see judi on saturday morning, i thought i was separate from my feelings because i went in not knowing what to talk about and was quiet and felt a wall up for the first few minutes but then she asked me certain questions and i was just flooded with emotions. i cried the whole hour because i was just feeling so much. we talked about my friend jackie from high school (i had just spent the day with her and her sons earlier in the week) and we talked about how i was feeling moments of despair and even suicidal. i explained how it was different than when i used to feel suicidal years ago (which was almost a non-stop feeling). i explained how i thought, but wasn't 100% positive, that it had more to do with the panic that has started about going back to work/school/internship in a few weeks. i feel pressure starting and..... i feel like i'm being backed up into a corner......trapped.....no way out. i know it's how i felt often from the abuse and i'm assuming that when i felt that when i was little, i thought the only way out was to die.....and that became my only wish once i realized the abuse would never stop. "if it won't stop, then please let me die." i guess when i feel panic and uncertainty and like i'm being backed up into a corner now as an adult.......my thoughts and emotions go to the only place i ever knew.......to wanting to die. i guess i still haven't completely realized or accepted that to die isn't the only way out.
as i write it all now, it makes sense and logically i can see all the connections. but when i'm FEELING it......forget about it. i can't connect to these realizations and the feelings overwhelm me and i feel like i'm drowning.
judi said these are important things for me to tell donna tomorrow when i see her. i know that. but i'm afraid. i'm afraid i'll walk into donna's tomorrow with a wall up because that's what i've been doing lately......shutting down between sessions. i'm afraid the wall will be up and i just won't be able to talk or access the emotions that i felt so strongly on saturday morning.
maybe if donna reads this before i see her tomorrow.....she can help me figure out how to get the wall down quick enough in order to talk about these things.
Posted by Butterflyteam on August 12, 2007 7:31 PM
im sorry its been so tough.that backed up to the wall feeling is awful. i can relate. and know what it feels like to feel like your only way out is to not be here anymore. really get that. sorry its been so hard the last few weeks.
i hope that you will be able to talk about what you need to to feel better.
Posted by: irini at August 13, 2007 9:20 AM
Posted by: butterflyteam at August 15, 2007 5:46 PM