August 1, 2007
i'm so exhausted. i ended up not sleeping much at all last night. didn't do much today. went to the gym and then saw judi. i guess it went better than the last two appointments. i'm not really sure. we talked a lot about how the ED voice wants me to listen to it and how hard it is to fight against even though i really want to. also, how the ED is really about how i feel about myself. judi asked me what the ED says to me. of course, it tells me that i'm fat. she asked me what that means.......if i'm fat what does that mean? it means i'm gross and repulsive and not good enough. we talked a lot about the not good enough feelings and how i don't feel like i deserve to eat. i feel ashamed that i need food to eat. i know it probably sounds ridiculous to people who don't understand. i guess part of me feels guilty for being alive and since eating keeps me alive, i feel ashamed and guilty every time i eat. i don't know exactly what i'm feeling or where this is all headed but for right now......i won't stop trying to fight the ED.
i'm going to try to sleep now. i need to get up early tomorrow to go see donna.
Posted by Butterflyteam on August 1, 2007 6:13 PM
I know it's hard to keep fighting when it seems the battle will never end. But, it is worth it and you are experiencing victories as you go along. Fight the good fight. Keep the faith! You can do it.
Posted by: The Real Me at August 2, 2007 8:07 PM
You should know that everything in your hands: keep fighting. I read this post and I'm with you.
Posted by: Acomplia at August 16, 2007 4:59 AM