Main » February 2005
February 27, 2005
I go back to school tomorrow after having a week off (winter break). I don't do well with transitions at all. Now I know most people aren't thrilled to go back to work after vacations or even just the weekend, but for me, there's much more to it. I just haven't figured out what yet. I noticed it being really bad when transitioning back to school in Septemeber after the summer. I could even understand that one. It's a really big transition. But it was really bad after the Christmas break and now here I am again in a bad place after winter break. I have also noticed the transitions being bad after only having the weekend off. Many Sunday nights I just go into panic mode. I just wish I could have some insight into why. I do like my job once I manage to get there and get caught up in things. And I work with really good people. It can be stressful at times but overall it's pretty laid back and not too demanding most of the time. The panic about going back has to do with something else. I just don't know what. I could understand it if I was transitioning back to something bad but I'm really not. So why all this panic? Is it me who panics or is it someone (or several of them) inside? I really need to get some answers and work on ways of making this better. I can't continue to do this every Sunday night. Tonight is particularly bad because of the way I have been feeling the last few days. There has been tremendous sadness and fear since Thursday night. Donna is still away and I know the little ones are feeling abandoned. But I think the intense feelings have to do with some memories. Possibly something I went into with Donna last Monday. Maybe it's a delayed reaction to that. The thing is, I'm not positive because there doesn't seem to be a connection to that. It feels like these feelings have to do with memories but I'm not sure because there is something missing in the connection to it. I think I'm starting to maybe not make sense here so I'll stop and hopefully come back to this if I figure anything out. I'm just feeling really sad, lonely and scared. I wish I could sit with someone safe and just have them hold me and protect me. I think I may take Nyquil tonight in the hope that it will just knock me out until morning. I never fell asleep last night because I was so panicky so I'm very tired. But I know I won't be able to fall asleep on my own. *sigh*
February 25, 2005
i'm so sad and scared. i want donna.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:28 PM
February 24, 2005
reiki...and some other stuff
i went to a reiki session for the first time today. some people i know have gone to this woman and it has helped them so i thought i'd give it a try. it was interesting. she felt a lot of resistance from me - resistance of letting go of the bad and resistance of taking in the good. she said she sensed a lot to do with negative messages that i've internalized. it turned out ok and i'm going to go back in 2 weeks. there's still a part of me that is doubtful and skeptical. but there is also another part of me willing to try it out a few times to see if it's something that could work for me. i didn't feel any huge changes right after my session but as the day went on, i did feel a little.......lighter, i suppose. i had a good session with donna a little while after the reiki session. for the first time in a while i felt like i was able to speak to her as a competent, coherent, grounded adult. that doesn't happen often in our sessions.
it was a good day. a friend went with me to the reiki session. we hung out and had lunch. then i had the session with donna and then group. after group i went to dinner with the girls from the group. i spent the whole day with "real" people. people who know my story. people who understand me and support me in my healing. it was really good. it's what i have been looking for for quite some time. i was so tired of my other so-called "friends". they pretended to be there and support me but they really haven't been. they just get tired of me not being ok enough to do the regular things we used to do. and the one who said she'd always be there for me - would never leave me - well, she's gone. so these new friends i'm making from group....it feels good to be with them.
so.....a good day? yes. then why am i still awake at 3:00a.m.? why do i feel so sad and alone? why am i afraid to go to sleep? i want to scream at the top of my lungs - what the fuck is wrong with me???!!! why can't i hold onto the good feelings i had today? did the reiki session stir some things up? was it the intensity of group tonight? is it the fact that donna is going away and i won't have any contact with her for the next week? or.......is it the fact that i'm just not meant to heal or have any good feelings for any extended period of time? ugh! i'm not going to give into this negative thinking. i'm going to stop myself there. it's not going to do any good.
i just wish i could fall asleep.
February 21, 2005
there have been many ups and downs since i wrote last. i missed an individual session with donna. i ended up going to group last week and i got up and left the office to go to the bathroom and ended up switching and going into a flashback. samantha was curled up in a ball shaking on the floor in the hallway. when the group ended, some of the women came out and found me there. i was so embarrassed. donna got samantha to get up and come in the office with her. i eventually came back. i'm grateful the women in the group are very understanding and supportive. I felt like such a freak that this happened.
today i had an appt. with donna. i ended up going into the city early and i just walked around for a while. i felt so lost as i walked around. part of me kept wishing that i could afford to move into manhattan. it's so different than how i grew up and i thought i'd maybe like that change. then i thought about how i wanted to move to florida when i was down there for an inpatient program. then i thought about how i want to move to arizona every time i go to visit my relatives there. i keep wanting to be anywhere other than the place i am actually in.
i also kept wishing i was someone other than myself. who? i have no idea. maybe i wouldn't mind being me if i could just be happy. i was talking about something like this tonight with donna - not knowing who i am. i was just a person to be used and abused. that was my only purpose. there was no other reason for me to be alive. so now what? if people aren't using me and abusing me, what is my purpose? who am i? why am i here? i don't know who i am. i look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at me. if i don't know who i am, how am i suppossed to be happy? do i need to figure out who i am in order to be happy? or do i find ways to be happy and then i'll find out who i am?
Posted by Butterflyteam at 8:51 PM
February 14, 2005
i feel so hollow inside. empty. dead.
i walked out of donna's office a little while ago and don't know if or when i will go back. i feel lost and so unbearably alone.
this recovery thing has to be something i want - something i need to make happen. but i am sooooo afraid i don't want it. i feel like they won. they not only succeeded in stealing my body and abusing it but they also succeeded in stealing my soul and destroying it. maybe that's why i feel so empty. there's no longer a soul in there. they were successful in what they set out to do. congratulations to them.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:52 PM
February 6, 2005
I think I have been hiding lately. I believe the correct word is isolating. I have not had the words to say or write anything for the last week or two. I think I was triggered in a huge way by something a week or two ago but I can't remember the particulars nor do I have the strength to describe it right now. But since then, I have been really struggling. I'm having a hard time even talking with Donna. I just don't have words. I have felt like I don't fit in with society because I can't communicate so I felt the best thing to do is stay by myself and hide.
Tonight I have an overwhelming sense of physically needing to hide. Isolating doesn't seem enough. I've thought about hiding in a closet. It doesn't seem good enough though. I feel like I need to go inside myself - deep, deep inside and disappear for awhile. I would need one of the four alters that I don't have co-consciousness with to take over because I need to be completely away. Or maybe I need a whole new alter. When the abuse was occuring in the past and an alter was created, it all seemed to happen automatically. It was as if my mind and my system knew what was needed and it made it happen. I wonder if it will know that I need this right now. I wonder if it will happen automatically or if somehow this "ability" of mine is no longer there.