Main » May 2006
May 28, 2006
old coping behaviors and needing to scream.....
I'm hating myself so much right now because I'm feeling very overwhelmed and I'm turning to old coping behaviors to deal with my feelings. It started off happening in small ways and now as the panic intensifies, I feel myself getting out of control with all of these old destructive behaviors. The cutting hasn't been too bad - just once or twice in the past few days, however the urge to do it has been there a lot more and I am afraid I will not be able to hold off as much as I have been. I've had urges to drink a lot in the past few days. This could also be due to my 3 year sobriety anniversary coming up soon. The biggest problems have been with food. I KNOW I need to get a better handle on eating in more healthy ways - no more extremes of restricting or binging but it's just not working. Or, rather......I am not making it work for whatever reasons. I wish I could get to the bottom of these reasons because I feel it all getting out of control again. I've noticed that when I return to restricting, the panic isn't as intense. But when I turn to the binging and purging, I get extremely overwhelmed because it feels so out of control. I've binged and purged several times in the past week. Then in a moment of despair yesterday I ordered the stupid diet pills again that I said I wouldn't do. I had finshed them and promised myself I would give myself time to work with a nutrionist and eat healthy but I broke down in moment of panic. I'm freaking out right now because my sister just put in a new pool and she's having everyone over today since it's the first warm day. There is NO WAY I'm putting on a bathing suit. But I wish I wouldn't care so much and just do it anyway so I could have fun with my nieces and nephew. I don't know what to do. I'm just in total panic. I want to cry and scream and just have Donna put her arms around me so I could feel safe and make everythign else go away.
May 25, 2006
i saw donna today for a very long session yet i'm feeling now like i wasn't even there at all. i used to feel like that when i would switch a lot and alters would use up my time with her, but today nobody else was out. at least i don't think so. i remember feeling overwhelmed and confused and spacey when i was there. i was having a hard time detemining if it was the present or the past even though i did know i was with her so it couldn't have been the past. i guess i'm still feeling a bit disoriented. it's hard because now i'm feeling separation anxiety and abandonment stuff too. i'm not sure why. i feel like i want to be with her even though i just spent so much time with her. i feel like i'm going crazy because i don't feel grounded at all. am i 3 or 5 or 7 or 16 or 31 years old? is it 1980 or 2006? i'm so confused..........
Posted by Butterflyteam at 8:28 PM
May 24, 2006
i'm angry. i'm angry because they've robbed me of everything. they've robbed me of my life. my self esteem. my self confidence. my ability to feel worthy of existing. my ability to feel deserving of anything. to feel loved. to feel special. to feel joy. to feel safe. to feel secure. to trust. they've left me with nothing but self hatred and fear. I HATE THEM. i want my life back. i want myself. I can't stand it for a minute longer that i don't feel worthy of even existing. i can't stand that fear runs my life. i can't stand that they have left me feeling like i'm not even a human being but rather an object to be used and discarded. I HATE THEM. i hate that i have to fight so fucking hard to believe that i am worth anything. i hate that i can't just wake up in the morning and look forward to living. i hate that it's such an unbearable chore to simply take care of myself in lovng ways. i hate that i sometimes would rather hurt myself than feel my own feelings. i hate that i walk around every single minute of every single day feeling abandoned, alone and bad. i'm sick of hating my body and not wanting to be connected to it in any way. i hate that i feel all used up and dirty and damaged because of what they did to me. I HATE THEM.
May 23, 2006
i have been getting a lot closer to getting in touch with anger lately. last night i was able to feel some of the rage that has been bottled up inside me for so long. luckliy i was with donna at the time. but as much as i did feel some of it, i know i quickly put a lid on it before too much got out. since letting out some of the rage last night, i've been feeling terrified. i'm just absolutely terrified something bad is going to happen to me now because i betrayed "them" by being angry. if i get angry then that means i believe what they did was wrong. that's betraying them. now i get hurt even more for betraying them. i don't know what to do with these feelings. i know this has been a necessary piece of my healing that i have not wanted to ever go near. i know i need to do it. i'm just so afraid.
today was very hard. luckily i just have to get through tomorrow and then i have a 5 day weekend. i'm seeing donna during the day on thursday for a long session. my goal is to do some more anger work but........i don't know. i'm just so terrified.
May 17, 2006
feeling "not in control"......
i feel scared right now. i didn't sleep well. i had bad dreams. i guess i feel angry too. angry at myself. not sure if i have a valid reason to be angry at myself or whether it's just habit.
i was doing ok on monday and during the day yesterday. even though i was feeling things - hard things (shame and terror) - i still felt pretty grounded and in control. starting last night and now this morning, everything feels so out of control; mainly my feelings. i'm feeling a lot of the things i've felt the last two days but i don't feel as grounded and all of the feelings seem unmanageable and out of control. i wonder if it's everyone or some inside who are acting up. the thing is.....it feels different than usual. and that's what is scaring me the most. i'm beginning to have a much more difficult time determining when it's alters and when it's me feeling. it's feels like it's more and more of ME feeling. and i don't even think i can explain in words how terrifying that is.
this "not in control" feeling is the worst. this is what happened last week. i felt like this and then so much anger came up. i feel like there's a ton of anger boiling inside and i'm trying so hard (unconsciously, i think) to keep a lid on it. i feel that "not being able to sit still" feeling. that's usually sam. but i don't sense him around; just the feelings. so is it him or really me feeling it? yes - i already know the answer to that. if it was him, it would still be me so it doesn't really matter figuring out who it is. technically it's all me.
i feel like i need to scream. i'm not sure i ever said that before. i'm also not sure i could ever do it.
somebody, please make this all stop!!!!
May 14, 2006
a long, hard week.....
last week was long and difficult. a lot of anger surfaced. up to this point i haven't been able to really get in touch with my anger related to everything that has happened to me. i know i have anger but i've always directed it at the wrong people, mainly myself. i see that i'm very slowly getting in touch with my anger, actually rage, and i need to really work on directing it where it belongs. i'm going to try working on this with donna in the upcoming weeks. i'm very, very scared. it's not going to be easy.
i've also been getting in touch with some new memories and feelings. right now am i am so filled with shame. i think it's related to a memory i had yesterday while i was with donna. i haven't been able to eat anything in the past 24 hours. i don't want anything going in my body. i feel very dirty and damaged and so ashamed. i wish someone was with me to hold me, preferably donna, but i'm not even sure she would want to go near me. i'm afraid that even she would see how dirty i am.
it was a very long, hard week. and i'm not looking forward to starting a new week and going to school tomorrow.
May 6, 2006
still not doing so great....
after 4:00AM. can't sleep. exhausted.
donna said wanting to be loved is a good, healthy thing to do and not to give that up.
but what good is not giving up wanting to be loved if, no matter what i do or how hard i try, i never FEEL loved - even when someone really does love me?
what if i've been so damaged that i have completely lost the ability to feel loved? what if the thing i want so much is something i can never get because i am incapable of it?
May 5, 2006
not doing so great....
i'm not in a great emotional place. today sucked. it just kept getting worse and worse. i can't get a handle on any of the negative thoughts. nothing i do will ever be good enough. i suck at everything. i'm no good. i'm worthless. i want to crawl in a hole and die.
i know today is a huge trigger day. the date has to do with cult stuff. but i feel like it's other stuff that's causing me to struggle today. but maybe it's just because i'm not in a very good place to handle any of the other stuff. maybe if the other stuff happened on another day, i would be able to look at it differently and it wouldn't affect me as strongly. maybe my defenses are weakened because it is a trigger day.
i guess i'll just try and accept that this is where i am right now - in the midst of abuser values and not seeing a way to turn it around at the moment. i'm not sure if i ever surrendered to it like that and if it will make a difference or not but i don't have much energy to fight it either. so i am swimming in abuser values with a horrible headache and that's where i am.
yet i can't help but long for feeling loved by someone; anyone. i just want to know that i matter to someone. this feeling is so incredibly strong. i want and need to feel loved by someone. :-(
May 3, 2006
a bright distraction in the darkness of essay writing...
i've been sitting here at the computer for awhile trying to write my essay for my fordham application. i'm still having a hard time with it. today my friend jackie gave me the letter of recommendation she wrote for me and it had such nice things written in it but of course i had the hardest time taking it all in. whenever anyone says or writes anything nice about me, i can't help but think - they don't really know me - or, if they knew how really damanged or dirty i really was, they wouldn't say these things.
so, while i'm sitting here agonizing over this essay, my nephew called me. he's in third grade and goes to this gifted class once a week. he called me to tell me what they did in this class today. they made paper. but my nephew doesn't leave it at "we made paper". when you speak to my nephew, you get the DETAILED version. he's very particular and the details of everything are very important to him. i asked him about how they made paper and he asked me if i was sure i wanted to know because it takes awhile to explain it and his 6 year old sister told him the explanation was way too long when he tried to explain it to her! i told him i'd love to hear all about it no matter how long it took to tell me. so.......quite sometime later, i finally heard all the details of how you make paper!
i can't help but smile. i am so very blessed to have the relationship i do with my nephew and nieces. how grateful i am that i was here to answer the phone and talk with my nephew (who is also my godson, so we've always had a very special relationship). it puts things in perspective. do i really need to get all stressed out about this essay? no. but i still have to write it and i just don't know what to say!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Butterflyteam at 5:03 PM