December 2, 2004

So.... been trying to do more on my own, without letting the others take over, right? Trying to have more control over my own life. So I have been trying to make sure I do the bills and handle money-- its always been a HUGE, great big trigger for me-- LONG,complicated story. LONG. VERY COMPLICATED. . ANYWAY, Missy usually handles the money and the bills. She handles it much better, she doesn't get triggered, she doesn't get suicidal just by writing out a check, she doesn't end up in tears just getting a receipt. :( But I've been trying to do better. So I have been trying to do the bills the past 2 months.WELL WELL WELL. today i got a notice in the mail that there's like something negative going to be on my credit report because of a late car payment or something. :( My husband just saw it on the table (before I did) and he got all mad. His face turned BRIGHT RED and he just stood there stock still and scared me half to death. i just can't do it as good as Missy does. i feel really really discouraged. :( i will try to do the bills again this month but I just really dont want to. she is better at it. i am having flashbacks of stuff that has to do with my dad and money. i dont want to go into it. i dont have anything good to say about money. both my sister and i have both said before that we wish there was no such thing.i want to do this RIGHT. i wanted to do this just as good as Missy or BETTER. But Missy never got a notice from the bank.
i feel really super stupid.
pilgrim
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We're trying to make some major changes inside, because stuff has been out of control for far too long. Been reading this book by Dr Phil McGraw called Family First which has some much-needed and appropriate guidelines for making a "phenomenal family"...for "real (3D)" families. Well, what we're working on is a group of INSIDERS. And none of us are thrilled about calling it a family. Trying to think of something else to call us all. Don't want to be a "flock" like that one book-- cuz we are NOT birds . Don't want to be a "company"-- that implies there's a boss, and as SadGirl says "bosses are mean". what we're trying to come up with is a word that implies that everyone is equal, living together, trying to get along, ya know?anyone have ideas?
Carol

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edit (next day)
Turns out I didn't screw up after all! My husband came home tonight with flowers and and apology for getting mad last night. It turns out the letter was wrong-- he spoke to customer service this morning, and the letters that went out to people were poorly worded-- what the letters were meant to say was that IF payments were received late, THEN we would get letters saying it was going on the credit record. It wasn't a letter saying that it HAD happened, just that this is what WOULD happen in the future-- this went out to lots of the bank members.*whew* thank goodness. I also really appreciated my husband's apology and the one from the customer service person as well.Yay, i didn't screw up!

Posted by pilgrim at 10:01 PM | Comments (4)

December 4, 2004

We have been working very hard to get everyone on the same team. We read this book by Dr Phil McGraw called Family First, which was really, really helpful. We had to modify a lot of the wording and adapt some things because this is not QUITE a family, but a... system... but basically what it all means is everyone taking responsibility for things we've each done wrong, looking for ways we can contribute to helping things get better inside. Then we answered questions from the book,and we're working on making a "handbook" so to speak. This is what's been accomplished so far this weekend, based on Family First

Ways I’m responsible for problems in our team:
I often get in fights with Missy and the others
I often call Missy a bitch
I have disagreements with Missy, Carol, nobody
I put down nobody.
I put down Missy.
Sometimes I make sarcastic comments about Carol being so “perfect” even though I know she doesn’t deserve them.
Sometimes I ignore the others.
I often say they don’t exist which always leads to problems.
I don’t pay attention a lot of the time to things that are going on. I just blank out and let others handle things.

Things I will do (grrr…even if I don’t always feel like it) to help make things better:

Respond more appropriately to Missy and everyone (like listening instead of saying “shut up”)
Refrain from calling Missy a bitch. Instead, listen to what she has to say and try to see her side. (I think this one will be very difficult)
Do not put down anyone else inside.
Stick up for them instead.
Show appreciation for the things the others do/have done, by saying nice things, giving them time to do what they need to do, listening to them, sharing things with them.
Stop saying they don’t exist.
Try harder to stay present more often and pay attention to what’s going on (I think this one will be the hardest because I just don’t DO it enough, I’m too used to spacing out.)
P.

Things I can do (Carol)
I haven’t been facilitating things the way I should be so I need to start doing so. Gosh I run my classroom in a certain way and I hadn’t thought of the fact that we could all work together as a team in the same way too. So I think it would be a good start to look at how we run our class and use the same ideas.
I have been too preoccupied with doing everything on my own with no help. It would probably be better if I asked for some advice and help at times.

Nobody what do you do that contributes to problems and what can you do to help make things better?
Please answer next time you are around.

Things SadGirl sometimes does that contribute to problems: yell, cry, doesn’t listen at times (although you do most of the time thank you).
Things SadGirl can do to help things work better: well you have been doing a LOT better with a LOT of things, so that has helped a lot with everything. You have made a lot of improvements this past year. So pretty much just keep up the good work. Keep using your words to talk instead of shutting down or cutting or yelling.
I do it only I want to talk to sharin more

Missy: what you have been doing to cause problems has been quite obvious
What we need you to do to help make things better:
Stop sneaking around
Stop taking over
Stop pretending to be others
In exchange we will be: listening to your side more often; giving you time to do what you want to on your own; giving you input on decisions

Making a system work better:
1.Create a nurturing and accepting system
2.promote rhythm in our lives
-do things together, establish standars of conduct,be accountable for your choices, stand up for each other
3. Establish meaningful rituals and traditions
4. Be active in our communication
5. Learn how to manage crises
-- stay calm, close ranks, communicate, keep things safe, draw on resources we have, be open to solutions, find meaning in what is happening

Better ways to communicate:
adopt a genuinely open attitude and treat everyone’s communications as legitimate
give them your undivided and unhurried attention
tuly listen to what they’re saying so that your responses are relevant and therefore of interest
listen for the underlying need that is moviating their communication

Negotiation with others:
Treat each other with respect
Treat each other as reasonable and intelligent human beings
-if someone has pride of ownership in a plan, they’re much less likely to rebel against it
-people who have ownership in a plan are much less likely to thwart it, because that would amount to an admission of failure on their part
-children especially will gaina sense of security if they feel a sense of power

Four Steps to Successful Negoation
Narrow the area of dispute – 1st identify things you can both agree on
find out what it is they really want—find the need or desire behind the request
work hard to find a middle ground in which both sides give a little and get a little
be specific in your agreement and the outcome of the negoations. Describe behaviors in great details so its easy to measure when there’s been compliance
make negotiated agreements, shorter term in the beginning and longer term after a period of adjustment.

Stay focused on the final result (cooperation, working functionaly) not on the intervening distractins
Find out exactly what everyone (especially Missy) is willing to work for

How we want our “family” (sorry, I will come up with a better word) to be:
Supportive respectful disciplined caring free
Creative easygoing loving cooperative helpful
Fair honest moral healthy strong
Responsible compassionate patient empathetic
Generous kind courageous trustworthy successful (definition of success varies by person though)

We can all agree that we basically all as a whole want to be seen this way.

Pick 3 and write personal statements for them.

Respectful--Our family will treat theMissylves, one another, and other people with dignity and respect.
Cooperative--Our family will treat theMissylves, one another, and other people in ways that show cooperation and attempt to find a common ground when dealing with one another.
Healthy-- Our family will make healthy choices with our selves and each other such as eating some healthy foods and taking medicines and ALL taking turns going to talk to our T.

For each of the 3 values described above, write 3 ways we will behave to model these values.

Behaviors required to model that value
Respectful--
listen to each other
stop telling each other to shut up
do not call each other names
2.Cooperative—
a. work together on things like this
b. share time
c. take turns doing things that you want
3.Healthy
a. take medicine—NO more cutting down without telling the others
b. eat every day whether you want to or not
c. everyone take turns going to see our T, this includes Missy going once
in a while, and Carol, and not passing over SadGirl just because she is
little.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:36 PM | Comments (0)

December 11, 2004

I would just like to say a big THANK YOU to Tracy, the one who runs HEALTH DIARIES. I bet that most people don't realize all the work that she puts in to keep this site up and running. I know that this week she has put hours and hours just into my diary alone to get it switched over to a new system. Thank you!

Posted by pilgrim at 8:51 PM | Comments (1)

This morning someone was asking me how can it be that I love my dad and how can I think good things about him . They just didn’t understand. But whats not to understand? It makes sense to me. He hurt my pets. He sometimes killed them (cant talk about it). He used to tell me he couldn’t stand to have a daughter like me. He used to threaten to drop me at the orphanage or drop me by the side of the road. I KNEW that if he got mad enough at me he would get rid of me or kill me. I KNEW it. But you know what? He DIDN’T. he could have but he DIDN’T. dad saved my LIFE.
How am I supposed to be mad at him for that?
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I have what's called "Stockholm Syndrome" ...its a syndrome where people bond to their abusers. Its a survival method.
My sister is angry at our dad. She doesn't have a problem with that. She calls things like she sees them. She doesnt understand how I can NOT do that. NO, me, i still keep my dad on a pedestal.
A friend wrote me today saying "I guess things must be pretty bad for someone to be grateful to be allowed to continue to live, no more." But i thought that everyone felt this way-- isn't everyone grateful to be allowed to live? especially when their life has been in danger all the time? if all you wanted to do was to survive another day, wouldn't you be grateful if the people you were afraid of let you make it?

Posted by pilgrim at 9:48 PM | Comments (5)

December 13, 2004

I handled things pretty well today on my own. Its almost Christmas vacation, which I'm excited about. I took presents to my colleagues at work today, which they all liked. Its hard for me to get presents from people, but I do really like to give them. I also ate a whole meal today, on my own. I am pretty amazed by that. After 17 years of an eating disorder, I have more bad days with food than good. So it's something to get happy about when I can manage to get some nutrition in me. I got a lot of work done today also, spent most of the afternoon at my desk and computer getting things completed.

I just hope I can make it last. I want this feling to be able to last for more than a few minutes. I want to feel like I can handle something on my own and not need to depend on Carol, Missy, or anyone else to do it for me.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:38 PM | Comments (0)

December 15, 2004

I got presents in the mail today from Judy. That was so nice. SadGirl is so excited because she got something she really wanted, and I got some beautiful things too.
It makes such a difference...its really amazing, actually, how little things can make such a big difference...when someone treats you as the individuals you are.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:30 PM | Comments (1)

December 17, 2004

over Christmas we'll be on vacation. SadGirl is really nervous.
I'm trying to make a list of things i can do to help her.

1. take a bottle of Pepto-Bismal tablets in the suitcase. She has really bad stomachaches every night lately and we’ve been going through a lot of them.
2. she wants to make sure she can write to our therapist. So I am going to put her address and stamps on 2 envelopes so she can mail letters if she needs to.
3. take her favorite Santa Claus movies to watch…
4. I will make her a little bookbag with markers, crayons and paper so she can draw pictures and write and also take her Christmas coloring book.
5. I will make sure she gets to spend some time with Sam to play.
6. I will figure out a way that SadGirl can sleep in her own bed at Mom’s on Christmas Eve and have Santa come there with her presents like she wants.

i need more ideas though.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:30 PM | Comments (0)

SadGirl went to therapy yesterday. i'm not sure exactly what she said or what happened. she cried though but i dont know why. i think it was flashbacks... i dont know. i would need to ask our therapist.
but she had SadGirl call inside for someone to help.
i came to help her. it took me a little while.

nervous. very nervous to.
she saw me there to help her and i guess that it made her feel better to know i was there to drive her home. i didn't say anything to our T since it was SadGirl's time there... i just sat behind her about 8 feet away and let her know i was there in the dark.

she really wanted S. i know that. i told her i know that. she wants our therapist more than she wants me. i would too. SadGirl's a smart kid. she knows where she can get real hugs and hold hands with a person on the outside. she might be little but she can tell the difference between outside and inside people. if i had to choose betwee S and me, I'd choose S. too.

S said something to SadGirl about "someday you will want her more than you want me" and SadGirl just panicked inside. she thinks that S is planning to leave her already. i cant write about this. it makes SadGirl get all upset inside. she doesnt want anyone but our therapist. I dont think SadGirl can imagine that me,C****,Pilgrim,Claire,Tuck, or any of the rest will ever have a relationship with her the way she does with our t.

i have to figure out some ways to keep SadGirl safe on vacation. we have things coming up that are making SadGirl really scared. she's panicking a lot.

nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 6:09 PM | Comments (1)

December 18, 2004

Well, SadGirlis feeling a little better now. Went to the store this morning and got her things for Christmas vacation to keep her busy. A new box of crayons (even though we have a whole bin of them at home... *rolleyes*) (But these are SPECIAL crayons made just for coloring on construction paper ;) ), little colored pencils, a crayon/pencil sharpener, a pad of manila paper, and a binder to keep it all in that she decorated with stickers. THERE. Then went to the bookstore to get books for the adults to read over vacation as well. THERE.
One step closer to harmony.

.(we hope).

Posted by pilgrim at 9:28 AM | Comments (0)

hi its SadGirl
its comen crismas in 7 days
its hard to slep!! I CANT wait
i got crayons and pensils and paper and redy for vaktshn. and i wqant to SadGirl a prenstn for clare and Tuck still
Missy dont get one from me her ben mean to me
but i do SadGirl presitns for my T AND a card
and i gota send judy a card
santa comes soon i cant wait!!

Posted by pilgrim at 1:02 PM | Comments (4)

I just realized something on my own (this is pilgrim), even though the one who calls herself nobody told this to my therapist the other day, i didn't realize it was true...but now I have my own memory of it, and i realize she was telling the truth. oh my gosh. i feel so strange.
When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I had a best friend I'll call Hannah. She had a hard time dealing with me a lot of the time. She didn't like my "mood swings"... she had a hard time handling all the different people I seemed to be. (now that I realize how tough this must have been on her to deal with at 12 years old, I almost feel bad for her).
I can remember now how she used to write me notes... and she would write them to: "[my name]/Missy/ Jo"....oh my gosh. i remember how she called me Jo sometimes. People made fun of me at school sometimes because it was because a tv show I liked had someone named Jo on it... but that was not it at ALL...
already the personalities of nobody(jo) and Missy were there.
ohmygoshohmygosh
Hannah often had to deal with things she didn't know how to handle. Sometimes I was mean, bossing her around (hello, can you say Missy?), I refused to talk at school for a year..
i just realized
oh, man.
nevermind.

something else happened in 8th grade too that screwed me up inside. a boy at school.

made me go inside farther.
like i'm going to do right now.
:(

Posted by pilgrim at 10:52 PM | Comments (3)

December 20, 2004

We had a really good day in our family today. Got some good news. Thats about all I can say about it here, but it has been awhile since I've felt truly happy about something, and so I'm just enjoying it today.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:23 PM | Comments (2)

December 21, 2004

Yesterday I received a book in the mail entitled Got Parts? An Insiders Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder by ATW. Check out the website.
I started reading it and I can see already that its going to be so helpful to me. It has ideas and information in it that I haven't come across before, that I'm definitely going to start working on and share with my therapist.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:26 PM | Comments (0)

December 26, 2004

Its been such a nice Christmas holiday.
I dont have time to say anything else right now but everything's going really good.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:05 PM | Comments (0)

December 31, 2004

Tonight is my last night here on vacation with my family. And I just want to be with them. But theres a bunch of people here that I dont know and they are loud and talking a bunch and its scaring me. And SadGirl's been going on all week about being scared here because my brother in law says bad words and talks too loud, so I try to stay away from him because he scares her too much. (Yesterday, you know what SadGirl says to me? "I shouldn't be around people that say bad words, that isn't a good choice." --- my therapist is rubbing off on her I think). I just want to be with my family but is too busy here and too many people and I dont know what to do and I feel unwelcome I dont know why but I just want to disappear. I go home tomorrow and I'm going to miss my family so much but I also miss my home but I like being here too. I just dont know what to do. I shut down when my brother in law is talking because he's either saying something that's teasing me or saying something loud and bad words and that's just too much to take for SadGirl and for me too and I feel like an idiot. I just want to be with my sister and Sammy and my mom and dad, that's ALL.
I like to stay here and help out. We have been helping with cleaning up and with Sam and helping around the house this week and helped mom get ready for Christmas and everything. It was nice to feel useful again and like somebody needed me. I will miss that and I know SadGirl will too. Missy's starting to get mad at me for complaining so I need to shut my fat mouth, I'm sorry for whining.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:36 PM | Comments (2)