December 2, 2004

So.... been trying to do more on my own, without letting the others take over, right? Trying to have more control over my own life. So I have been trying to make sure I do the bills and handle money-- its always been a HUGE, great big trigger for me-- LONG,complicated story. LONG. VERY COMPLICATED. . ANYWAY, Missy usually handles the money and the bills. She handles it much better, she doesn't get triggered, she doesn't get suicidal just by writing out a check, she doesn't end up in tears just getting a receipt. :( But I've been trying to do better. So I have been trying to do the bills the past 2 months.WELL WELL WELL. today i got a notice in the mail that there's like something negative going to be on my credit report because of a late car payment or something. :( My husband just saw it on the table (before I did) and he got all mad. His face turned BRIGHT RED and he just stood there stock still and scared me half to death. i just can't do it as good as Missy does. i feel really really discouraged. :( i will try to do the bills again this month but I just really dont want to. she is better at it. i am having flashbacks of stuff that has to do with my dad and money. i dont want to go into it. i dont have anything good to say about money. both my sister and i have both said before that we wish there was no such thing.i want to do this RIGHT. i wanted to do this just as good as Missy or BETTER. But Missy never got a notice from the bank.
i feel really super stupid.
pilgrim
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We're trying to make some major changes inside, because stuff has been out of control for far too long. Been reading this book by Dr Phil McGraw called Family First which has some much-needed and appropriate guidelines for making a "phenomenal family"...for "real (3D)" families. Well, what we're working on is a group of INSIDERS. And none of us are thrilled about calling it a family. Trying to think of something else to call us all. Don't want to be a "flock" like that one book-- cuz we are NOT birds . Don't want to be a "company"-- that implies there's a boss, and as SadGirl says "bosses are mean". what we're trying to come up with is a word that implies that everyone is equal, living together, trying to get along, ya know?anyone have ideas?
Carol

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edit (next day)
Turns out I didn't screw up after all! My husband came home tonight with flowers and and apology for getting mad last night. It turns out the letter was wrong-- he spoke to customer service this morning, and the letters that went out to people were poorly worded-- what the letters were meant to say was that IF payments were received late, THEN we would get letters saying it was going on the credit record. It wasn't a letter saying that it HAD happened, just that this is what WOULD happen in the future-- this went out to lots of the bank members.*whew* thank goodness. I also really appreciated my husband's apology and the one from the customer service person as well.Yay, i didn't screw up!

Posted by pilgrim at 10:01 PM | Comments (4)

December 13, 2004

I handled things pretty well today on my own. Its almost Christmas vacation, which I'm excited about. I took presents to my colleagues at work today, which they all liked. Its hard for me to get presents from people, but I do really like to give them. I also ate a whole meal today, on my own. I am pretty amazed by that. After 17 years of an eating disorder, I have more bad days with food than good. So it's something to get happy about when I can manage to get some nutrition in me. I got a lot of work done today also, spent most of the afternoon at my desk and computer getting things completed.

I just hope I can make it last. I want this feling to be able to last for more than a few minutes. I want to feel like I can handle something on my own and not need to depend on Carol, Missy, or anyone else to do it for me.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:38 PM | Comments (0)

December 15, 2004

I got presents in the mail today from Judy. That was so nice. SadGirl is so excited because she got something she really wanted, and I got some beautiful things too.
It makes such a difference...its really amazing, actually, how little things can make such a big difference...when someone treats you as the individuals you are.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:30 PM | Comments (1)

December 17, 2004

SadGirl went to therapy yesterday. i'm not sure exactly what she said or what happened. she cried though but i dont know why. i think it was flashbacks... i dont know. i would need to ask our therapist.
but she had SadGirl call inside for someone to help.
i came to help her. it took me a little while.

nervous. very nervous to.
she saw me there to help her and i guess that it made her feel better to know i was there to drive her home. i didn't say anything to our T since it was SadGirl's time there... i just sat behind her about 8 feet away and let her know i was there in the dark.

she really wanted S. i know that. i told her i know that. she wants our therapist more than she wants me. i would too. SadGirl's a smart kid. she knows where she can get real hugs and hold hands with a person on the outside. she might be little but she can tell the difference between outside and inside people. if i had to choose betwee S and me, I'd choose S. too.

S said something to SadGirl about "someday you will want her more than you want me" and SadGirl just panicked inside. she thinks that S is planning to leave her already. i cant write about this. it makes SadGirl get all upset inside. she doesnt want anyone but our therapist. I dont think SadGirl can imagine that me,C****,Pilgrim,Claire,Tuck, or any of the rest will ever have a relationship with her the way she does with our t.

i have to figure out some ways to keep SadGirl safe on vacation. we have things coming up that are making SadGirl really scared. she's panicking a lot.

nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 6:09 PM | Comments (1)

December 18, 2004

I just realized something on my own (this is pilgrim), even though the one who calls herself nobody told this to my therapist the other day, i didn't realize it was true...but now I have my own memory of it, and i realize she was telling the truth. oh my gosh. i feel so strange.
When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I had a best friend I'll call Hannah. She had a hard time dealing with me a lot of the time. She didn't like my "mood swings"... she had a hard time handling all the different people I seemed to be. (now that I realize how tough this must have been on her to deal with at 12 years old, I almost feel bad for her).
I can remember now how she used to write me notes... and she would write them to: "[my name]/Missy/ Jo"....oh my gosh. i remember how she called me Jo sometimes. People made fun of me at school sometimes because it was because a tv show I liked had someone named Jo on it... but that was not it at ALL...
already the personalities of nobody(jo) and Missy were there.
ohmygoshohmygosh
Hannah often had to deal with things she didn't know how to handle. Sometimes I was mean, bossing her around (hello, can you say Missy?), I refused to talk at school for a year..
i just realized
oh, man.
nevermind.

something else happened in 8th grade too that screwed me up inside. a boy at school.

made me go inside farther.
like i'm going to do right now.
:(

Posted by pilgrim at 10:52 PM | Comments (3)

December 20, 2004

We had a really good day in our family today. Got some good news. Thats about all I can say about it here, but it has been awhile since I've felt truly happy about something, and so I'm just enjoying it today.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:23 PM | Comments (2)

December 21, 2004

Yesterday I received a book in the mail entitled Got Parts? An Insiders Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder by ATW. Check out the website.
I started reading it and I can see already that its going to be so helpful to me. It has ideas and information in it that I haven't come across before, that I'm definitely going to start working on and share with my therapist.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:26 PM | Comments (0)

December 31, 2004

Tonight is my last night here on vacation with my family. And I just want to be with them. But theres a bunch of people here that I dont know and they are loud and talking a bunch and its scaring me. And SadGirl's been going on all week about being scared here because my brother in law says bad words and talks too loud, so I try to stay away from him because he scares her too much. (Yesterday, you know what SadGirl says to me? "I shouldn't be around people that say bad words, that isn't a good choice." --- my therapist is rubbing off on her I think). I just want to be with my family but is too busy here and too many people and I dont know what to do and I feel unwelcome I dont know why but I just want to disappear. I go home tomorrow and I'm going to miss my family so much but I also miss my home but I like being here too. I just dont know what to do. I shut down when my brother in law is talking because he's either saying something that's teasing me or saying something loud and bad words and that's just too much to take for SadGirl and for me too and I feel like an idiot. I just want to be with my sister and Sammy and my mom and dad, that's ALL.
I like to stay here and help out. We have been helping with cleaning up and with Sam and helping around the house this week and helped mom get ready for Christmas and everything. It was nice to feel useful again and like somebody needed me. I will miss that and I know SadGirl will too. Missy's starting to get mad at me for complaining so I need to shut my fat mouth, I'm sorry for whining.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:36 PM | Comments (2)