Pilgrim's Journey > December 2004 Archives
December 13, 2004
I handled the world better today.
I handled things pretty well today on my own. Its almost Christmas vacation, which I'm excited about. I took presents to my colleagues at work today, which they all liked. Its hard for me to get presents from people, but I do really like to give them. I also ate a whole meal today, on my own. I am pretty amazed by that. After 17 years of an eating disorder, I have more bad days with food than good. So it's something to get happy about when I can manage to get some nutrition in me. I got a lot of work done today also, spent most of the afternoon at my desk and computer getting things completed.
I just hope I can make it last. I want this feling to be able to last for more than a few minutes. I want to feel like I can handle something on my own and not need to depend on Caroline, Missy, or anyone else to do it for me.
December 15, 2004
Being treated like individuals
I got presents in the mail today from Judy. That was so nice. Mae is so excited because she got something she really wanted, and I got some beautiful things too.
It makes such a difference...its really amazing, actually, how little things can make such a big difference...when someone treats you as the individuals you are.
December 17, 2004
helping Mae find some help
Mae went to therapy yesterday. i'm not sure exactly what she said or what happened. she cried though but i dont know why. i think it was flashbacks... i dont know. i would need to ask our therapist.
but she had Mae call inside for someone to help.
i came to help her. it took me a little while.
nervous. very nervous to.
she saw me there to help her and i guess that it made her feel better to know i was there to drive her home. i didn't say anything to our T since it was Mae's time there... i just sat behind her about 8 feet away and let her know i was there in the dark.
she really wanted S. i know that. i told her i know that. she wants our therapist more than she wants me. i would too. Mae's a smart kid. she knows where she can get real hugs and hold hands with a person on the outside. she might be little but she can tell the difference between outside and inside people. if i had to choose betwee S and me, I'd choose S. too.
S said something to Mae about "someday you will want her more than you want me" and Mae just panicked inside. she thinks that S is planning to leave her already. i cant write about this. it makes Mae get all upset inside. she doesnt want anyone but our therapist. I dont think Mae can imagine that me,C****,Pilgrim,Claire,Tuck, or any of the rest will ever have a relationship with her the way she does with our t.
i have to figure out some ways to keep Mae safe on vacation. we have things coming up that are making Mae really scared. she's panicking a lot.
December 18, 2004
Using different names at age 12
I just realized something on my own (this is pilgrim), even though the one who calls herself nobody told this to my therapist the other day, i didn't realize it was true...but now I have my own memory of it, and i realize she was telling the truth. oh my gosh. i feel so strange.
When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I had a best friend I'll call Hannah. She had a hard time dealing with me a lot of the time. She didn't like my "mood swings"... she had a hard time handling all the different people I seemed to be. (now that I realize how tough this must have been on her to deal with at 12 years old, I almost feel bad for her).
I can remember now how she used to write me notes... and she would write them to: "[my name]/Missy/ Jo"....oh my gosh. i remember how she called me Jo sometimes. People made fun of me at school sometimes because it was because a tv show I liked had someone named Jo on it... but that was not it at ALL...
already the personalities of nobody(jo) and Missy were there.
Hannah often had to deal with things she didn't know how to handle. Sometimes I was mean, bossing her around (hello, can you say Missy?), I refused to talk at school for a year..
i just realized
something else happened in 8th grade too that screwed me up inside. a boy at school.
made me go inside farther.
like i'm going to do right now.
December 21, 2004
Yesterday I received a book in the mail entitled Got Parts? An Insiders Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder by ATW. Check out the website.
I started reading it and I can see already that its going to be so helpful to me. It has ideas and information in it that I haven't come across before, that I'm definitely going to start working on and share with my therapist.